tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-75013262200179130792024-03-14T22:19:55.815+11:00¢üŘĩ☼ü§Əŗ ÅΏĐ ¢üŘĩ☼ü§Əŗ...through the looking glass...Wendyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10974190496077346318noreply@blogger.comBlogger438125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7501326220017913079.post-37147909608463639392014-11-30T17:53:00.003+11:002014-11-30T17:53:53.654+11:00Mirage<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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A hundred thousand summer days<br />
A million summer nights<br />
A hundred million loving ways<br />
A billion shining lights<br /> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The ghost of summer never fades<br />
Forever in my heart<br />
The minutes soon become decades<br />
Before they even start<br /> </div>
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All this from a glimpse of you<br />
Walking down the street<br />
The summer heat<br />
Like a mirage<br />
You're just a mirage to me<br />
You were never, ever there<br />
You're just, just a mirage</div>
Wendyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10974190496077346318noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7501326220017913079.post-12915985741028308182014-10-09T15:48:00.001+11:002014-10-09T15:48:43.230+11:00Completely SaneThey whisper secrets in my dreams <br />
Then flee as daylight breaks<br />
<br />
They call the shots <br />
And join the dots<br />
<br />
That I'm sure I've joined before <br />
But as I rise<br />
And rub my eyes <br />
<br />
I long to sleep some more <br />
So they can tell me once again <br />
That I'm completely saneWendyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10974190496077346318noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7501326220017913079.post-6757679530328735572014-10-07T22:35:00.000+11:002014-10-07T22:35:04.788+11:00Left UnsaidHow could I know just what it meant?<br />
My dreams! My dreams! Were never what they seemed.<br />
How could you steal what I had lent?<br />
My themes! My themes! Were whispers in my head.<br />
How could I stop my quick descent?<br />
My seams! My seams! Were torn and unredeemed.<br />
How could I take such deep torment?<br />
My screams! My screams! Were better left unsaid.Wendyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10974190496077346318noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7501326220017913079.post-26354645315619608662014-10-06T21:32:00.002+11:002014-10-06T21:32:33.518+11:00And meJust a moment<br />
If you please<br />
Let's chew the fat<br />
Let's shoot the breeze<br />
Let's take a walk<br />
<br />
Down memory lane<br />
I'm sure we've both <br />
So much to say<br />
<br />
So stop a while<br />
Pull up a pew<br />
Even though<br />
We've things to do<br />
We'll never have<br />
This day again<br />
So lend an ear<br />
To this old friend<br />
To pass the time<br />
As we're meant to do<br />
With fellowship<br />
Just me and you<br />
For that's what matters<br />
That's the key<br />
That's the value<br />
Of you and me.<br />
<br />
Wendyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10974190496077346318noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7501326220017913079.post-75865866262737853382014-09-28T12:30:00.000+10:002014-09-28T12:30:39.105+10:00Is NewerIn a heart beat<br />
In a whisper<br />
Life moves on<br />
When we would linger<br />
<br />
In a whisper<br />
In a season<br />
Endless change<br />
Forgotten reasons<br />
<br />
In a season<br />
In a hurry<br />
Just don't stop<br />
Another worry<br />
<br />
In a hurry<br />
In a moment<br />
Turned to look<br />
One more postponement<br />
<br />
In a moment<br />
In a Christmas<br />
Raise a glass<br />
Don't blink, you'll miss this<br />
<br />
In a Christmas<br />
In an absence<br />
Just once more<br />
This fragment passes<br />
<br />
In an absence<br />
In the present<br />
Mending hearts<br />
Seeking contentment<br />
<br />
In the present<br />
In the future<br />
Don't look back<br />
Ahead is newerWendyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10974190496077346318noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7501326220017913079.post-43844630974022984752014-09-24T16:45:00.002+10:002014-09-24T16:45:36.786+10:00You, TooDon't talk<br />
For fear you may be heard<br />
And then you wouldn't be able to say<br />
No one ever listened to you.<br />
<br />
Don't ask<br />
For fear you may understand<br />
And then you wouldn't be able to cry<br />
Over all the misfortune you went through.<br />
<br />
Don't care<br />
For fear you may lose your enemy<br />
And then you wouldn't able to re-direct the blame<br />
When perhaps some of that blame belongs to you, too.Wendyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10974190496077346318noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7501326220017913079.post-33971934160827638082014-09-20T00:25:00.000+10:002014-09-20T00:25:21.136+10:00Was RealYour light comes from the darkness<br />
You cast a ghostly glow<br />
Your smile reveals<br />
A heart so cold<br />
<br />
Tainting all you thought was real<br />
<br />
<br />Wendyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10974190496077346318noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7501326220017913079.post-39697340122771090572014-09-13T17:33:00.000+10:002014-09-13T17:33:17.702+10:00Let Them In<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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She drank to drown her demons</div>
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But the bastards learned to swim</div>
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With tooth and claw</div>
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They climbed the wall</div>
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And screamed about her sin</div>
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Why did she ever let them in?</div>
Wendyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10974190496077346318noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7501326220017913079.post-16895187999526308672013-08-15T22:44:00.001+10:002013-08-29T19:41:40.046+10:00Caring for<p dir=ltr>When my world keeps falling apart,<br>
Why do I keep picking up the pieces? </p>
<p dir=ltr>My life is a direct result<br>
Of my choices. </p>
<p dir=ltr>This is something<br>
I firmly believe. </p>
<p dir=ltr>But everything is 20/20 vision<br>
In hindsight. </p>
<p dir=ltr>My mistakes were made<br>
With the best intentions. </p>
<p dir=ltr>Because I believe<br>
In others. </p>
<p dir=ltr>Because I believe<br>
In loyalty. </p>
<p dir=ltr>But I am betrayed<br>
Again and again. </p>
<p dir=ltr>I keep making the same choices<br>
The same mistakes. </p>
<p dir=ltr>I keep believing<br>
In the people I love<br>
But I keep being shown<br>
That all this leads to<br>
Is me being hurt<br>
And them not caring. </p>
<p dir=ltr>I don't know<br>
If I can stop caring<br>
And I don't want to find out. </p>
<p dir=ltr>I want to care. </p>
<p dir=ltr>I just need people in my life<br>
Worth caring for. <br>
</p>
Wendyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10974190496077346318noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7501326220017913079.post-18776080188599876752013-07-23T22:43:00.002+10:002013-07-23T22:43:30.080+10:00Try itSometimes stuff<br />
just jumps in my head<br />
like a line to a song<br />
that replays in your head<br />
over and over<br />
until you find the connection<br />
or something else<br />
diverts your attention.<br />
<br />
For me<br />
at the moment<br />
it is<br />
semi-permeable membranes.<br />
<br />
It is the thing<br />
that I visualise<br />
when I am feeling<br />
vulnerable<br />
when I know that<br />
protecting myself from the bad<br />
doesn't mean<br />
stopping the good<br />
from getting in.<br />
<br />
I was first introduced<br />
to semi-permeable membranes<br />
in high school science.<br />
<br />
I did well in science<br />
first in the year when it was compulsory<br />
but stupidly<br />
didn't take it as an elective.<br />
<br />
To me it was too intrinsic<br />
to try to define<br />
and I struggled with that<br />
and didn't realise<br />
that the system wasn't designed<br />
for you to learn<br />
more about<br />
the things that you were<br />
truly interested in<br />
and that you could grown from<br />
but was more about<br />
the things that you could define<br />
that you could meet the criteria for<br />
without extending yourself<br />
or challenging the conventions<br />
which are the things<br />
that have such an influence on<br />
the results you are measured by.<br />
<br />
But I digress.<br />
<br />
In high school science<br />
I was introduced to<br />
semi-permeable membranes<br />
<br />
A simple and demonstrable experiement.<br />
<br />
One substance<br />
in dialysis tubing<br />
of a differnt colour<br />
to a different substance<br />
in which the tubing is submerged.<br />
<br />
Some particles<br />
can't pass through<br />
the membrane<br />
but others can pass<br />
both in and out.<br />
<br />
This is my understanding<br />
of how we can exist<br />
in a world with such negativity<br />
with a heart driven by positive forces. <br />
<br />
The semi-permeable membrane.<br />
<br />
Also termed a<br />
selectively permeable membrane.<br />
<br />
But who makes the choice?<br />
<br />
Ultimately<br />
we do.<br />
<br />
So<br />
I am the membrane<br />
that allows some things in<br />
while keeping others out.<br />
<br />
I let the good things in.<br />
<br />
I stop the rest from penetrating.<br />
<br />
A very powerful visualisation.<br />
<br />
Try it! Wendyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10974190496077346318noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7501326220017913079.post-42107611548457294912013-07-19T00:21:00.001+10:002013-07-22T20:58:46.431+10:00No MoreTo stand so close<br />
so far away<br />
makes me stronger, sadder, bolder<br />
and there's nothing that you say<br />
in your silence<br />
in your gloom<br />
there's no action<br />
justice not<br />
for the absent part you play.<br />
<br />
So take me in your arms<br />
while you reject me in your heart<br />
that doesn't even try to know<br />
the soul<br />
the spirit<br />
never trie <br />
from end to start.<br />
<br />
An understanding<br />
ever absent<br />
ever longed for<br />
never born<br />
a youth unclaimed<br />
a soul untamed<br />
left to languish<br />
peices torn.<br />
<br />
Weeping nightfall<br />
weeping dusk<br />
weeping noon-time<br />
weeping dawn.<br />
<br />
Weeping heartbreak<br />
weeping anger<br />
weeping sorrow<br />
weep no more.Wendyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10974190496077346318noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7501326220017913079.post-39752818482366025632013-07-19T00:14:00.002+10:002013-07-19T00:14:28.707+10:00Can doWhen I bared my soul<br />
you stood cold.<br />
<br />
Did you smile?<br />
<br />
Are you that<br />
sadistic?<br />
<br />
When I opened my heart<br />
you willingly took<br />
but with resentment<br />
that has festered into blame<br />
because your couldn't bear<br />
to share.<br />
<br />
You had to be the centre<br />
you had to be the all<br />
and rather than growing up<br />
and learning about the world<br />
you aimed for the closest target.<br />
<br />
I was close<br />
because I was there<br />
but that is not even acknowledged.<br />
<br />
You have cut off<br />
those who don't worship you<br />
because just liking you<br />
is not enough.<br />
<br />
They must bow down.<br />
<br />
They must lift you above all else.<br />
<br />
They must rebel<br />
in vehemenent condemnation<br />
without honest and fair representation<br />
of the reality<br />
so that you are seen as perfect<br />
when perhaps you're just sick.<br />
<br />
But I am not<br />
the bad guy here.<br />
<br />
I made mistakes<br />
but they were honest ones<br />
and the good<br />
was far greater<br />
so why don't you just<br />
acknowledge that?<br />
<br />
Giving of yourself<br />
in practical ways<br />
that have an underlying<br />
yet undeniably narcissistic foundation<br />
is not really<br />
giving of yourself at all.<br />
<br />
Giving of yourself<br />
is opening up.<br />
<br />
Is being vulnerable.<br />
<br />
But that is a weakness to you<br />
not a strength.<br />
<br />
And you pride yourself<br />
on hating those<br />
who are able to do this.<br />
<br />
And you are wrong.<br />
<br />
But that doesn't mean<br />
you don't have worth.<br />
<br />
It is just a temporary state.<br />
<br />
But it is one<br />
that will remain<br />
until you let it go.<br />
<br />
You are holding on.<br />
<br />
You are keeping it in the present.<br />
<br />
I'm sure you hurt<br />
but you have been offered<br />
love<br />
kindness<br />
understanding<br />
empathy<br />
acceptance<br />
yet you are do unwilling<br />
to accept these gifts<br />
and offer them in return.<br />
<br />
We all have failings<br />
and my youth<br />
and struggles in the absence of support<br />
have<br />
no doubt<br />
affected you<br />
but can you just stop for a moment?<br />
<br />
Can you just take a look around you?<br />
<br />
Can you image the alternatives?<br />
<br />
Can you see all that was done for you?<br />
<br />
You are not asked to repay.<br />
<br />
You are not asked to<br />
make the same sacrificies.<br />
<br />
You are not<br />
held captive<br />
to an unrepayable debt.<br />
<br />
You are just asked<br />
now that you are well beyond the age<br />
and intelligence<br />
and experience<br />
and capabilities<br />
to acknowledge<br />
and to stop<br />
the unfair<br />
active<br />
vehemenent hate<br />
that drives your existence<br />
and affects those<br />
who love you.<br />
<br />
But I am on the outer.<br />
<br />
I am the stranger.<br />
<br />
And there is little<br />
I can do. <br />
Wendyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10974190496077346318noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7501326220017913079.post-57159164741105058872013-07-17T21:45:00.001+10:002013-07-17T21:45:47.387+10:00Absolute Turmoil<p dir=ltr>Feeling<br>
In the full swing<br>
Of life lessons.</p>
<p dir=ltr>Surely<br>
All of this pain<br>
All of this confusion<br>
All of this struggle<br>
Has a purpose<br>
Has a reason<br>
Has a blessing.</p>
<p dir=ltr>Why do I<br>
Keep trusting people<br>
Who let me down<br>
Who betray me? </p>
<p dir=ltr>Is it my expectations? </p>
<p dir=ltr>Is it my view on life? </p>
<p dir=ltr>Is it my interpretation<br>
Of my experiences<br>
And how that relates<br>
To what I observe? </p>
<p dir=ltr>Why do I evoke<br>
Such an aggressive attitude<br>
In others?</p>
<p dir=ltr>Why don't people<br>
Understand<br>
Trust<br>
Respect<br>
Accept<br>
Acknowledge? </p>
<p dir=ltr>Why do I let people<br>
Into my life<br>
My experiences<br>
But am not<br>
Invited<br>
Accepted<br>
Into theirs?</p>
<p dir=ltr>Why do people<br>
Shut me out? </p>
<p dir=ltr>Why are my intentions<br>
Perceived so differently<br>
By others?</p>
<p dir=ltr>Why do I not do<br>
What I know in my heart<br>
To be for<br>
My greater good? </p>
<p dir=ltr>Why does the drive<br>
For self sabotage<br>
Dominate all else? </p>
<p dir=ltr>Why the struggle? </p>
<p dir=ltr>Where is the<br>
Self-acceptance? </p>
<p dir=ltr>Life lessons. </p>
<p dir=ltr>Feeling confused<br>
And guilty<br>
That my life lessons<br>
Seem so<br>
Incongruent<br>
With the real<br>
Unchangeable<br>
Uninfluencable<br>
Struggles<br>
Of others<br>
Who share my timeline. </p>
<p dir=ltr>Am I living<br>
In the future<br>
Of our world<br>
Or<br>
Am I living<br>
Too internally<br>
Being too selfish<br>
Too self-centered? </p>
<p dir=ltr>What I feel<br>
I am giving<br>
To others<br>
To the world<br>
Is not received<br>
Is not accepted<br>
Is not recognized<br>
But more than that<br>
It is shunned<br>
It is rejected<br>
It hurts<br>
It causes conflict. </p>
<p dir=ltr>What are my gifts? </p>
<p dir=ltr>How can I give them? </p>
<p dir=ltr>I try<br>
But I am misunderstood<br>
In such a negative way. </p>
<p dir=ltr>Life lessons. </p>
<p dir=ltr>Lessons have a purpose. </p>
<p dir=ltr>They have a deliverable. </p>
<p dir=ltr>Why is what<br>
I feel driven<br>
Compelled<br>
To give<br>
Is so unappreciated? </p>
<p dir=ltr>Why are my gifts<br>
My strengths<br>
Not of benefit to others. </p>
<p dir=ltr>Every day<br>
For as long as I can remember<br>
I have felt out of step<br>
And have felt the struggle<br>
Of trying<br>
And never succeeding<br>
And of not knowing<br>
If I should change<br>
Or if I should try<br>
To change the world. </p>
<p dir=ltr>Arrogant? </p>
<p dir=ltr>I don't know. </p>
<p dir=ltr>Somethings<br>
Even the things<br>
Within me<br>
Don't make sense to me. </p>
<p dir=ltr>I try to live<br>
Without the labels<br>
But it is the labels<br>
That help us make sense<br>
Of our experiences. </p>
<p dir=ltr>I know I am difficult<br>
For those around me.</p>
<p dir=ltr>I know<br>
People feel insecure<br>
Feel threatened<br>
By things they don't understand. </p>
<p dir=ltr>But why do they<br>
Judge me so harshly? </p>
<p dir=ltr>I believe in my heart<br>
That I am good<br>
That I am here for a reason<br>
That I have something to give to others<br>
But my experiences<br>
My interpretation<br>
Is so conflicting<br>
To what is in my heart. </p>
<p dir=ltr>What I don't know<br>
Amongt the multitude of things<br>
That I don't know<br>
Is how to exist<br>
Day by day<br>
With these unanswered questions<br>
That fill me with<br>
Such absolute turmoil. </p>
Wendyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10974190496077346318noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7501326220017913079.post-12115535124278436692013-07-10T07:04:00.001+10:002013-07-10T07:04:36.150+10:00In place<p dir=ltr>Trying to remain hopeful<br>
Tring to remain open<br>
Trying to remain optimistic<br>
And listen to the messages<br>
From the universe. </p>
<p dir=ltr>But struggling. </p>
<p dir=ltr>Realising today<br>
That I am once again<br>
reliant on the mask.</p>
<p dir=ltr>The mask that<br>
I worked so hard<br>
To live without. </p>
<p dir=ltr>That I was able to<br>
Discard<br>
Through acceptance of<br>
And kindness to<br>
Myself. </p>
<p dir=ltr>The ine I once again<br>
Need to wear<br>
In order to<br>
Find a way to live<br>
Without offending<br>
those around me.</p>
<p dir=ltr>I feel so misunderstood<br>
And unappreciated<br>
And unworthy<br>
And judged. </p>
<p dir=ltr>In a world<br>
Full of people<br>
Who write me off<br>
And put me down<br>
Without even trying to understand<br>
Me<br>
Or my struggles. </p>
<p dir=ltr>Trying to listen<br>
To the universe<br>
But getting<br>
Mixed messages. </p>
<p dir=ltr>The synchronicities are strong<br>
And powerful<br>
And they resonate<br>
But they tell me one thing<br>
In one moment<br>
And the opposite<br>
The next. </p>
<p dir=ltr>Knowing<br>
That there are many things<br>
To work on<br>
And that many of my actions<br>
Do not heed the good advice<br>
That is in my heart and my head<br>
But not knowing<br>
How to stop<br>
Self sabotaging. </p>
<p dir=ltr>Knowing<br>
I am being told<br>
That these things are important<br>
That they need to change<br>
But needing the distraction<br>
They provide. </p>
<p dir=ltr>Knowing<br>
That I am a challenge<br>
And knowing<br>
That most find it difficult<br>
And deal with this<br>
Based on their own<br>
Experiences<br>
Strengths<br>
And weaknesses<br>
But when I am deemed<br>
To have no offsetting value<br>
Is demoralising.</p>
<p dir=ltr>I don't deserve<br>
To be treated like shit<br>
And I have a right<br>
To stand up for myself<br>
But this only makes it harder<br>
To get along. </p>
<p dir=ltr>The mask is safer. </p>
<p dir=ltr>It disrespects<br>
My spirit<br>
And my soul. </p>
<p dir=ltr>But it is the only way<br>
To make it through. </p>
<p dir=ltr>I feel<br>
And I speak<br>
But these things<br>
Are not valued.</p>
<p dir=ltr>Broken friendships.</p>
<p dir=ltr>Broken heart.</p>
<p dir=ltr>Trusting no one. </p>
<p dir=ltr>Safer to withdraw<br>
And to only come out<br>
When my mask<br>
Is securely in place. </p>
Wendyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10974190496077346318noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7501326220017913079.post-74986533370630392242013-07-08T21:24:00.001+10:002013-07-08T21:24:31.697+10:00I do<p dir=ltr>Feeling<br>
Like I am working harder<br>
And being less appreciated<br>
Than I have ever been before. </p>
<p dir=ltr>I struggle with ego. </p>
<p dir=ltr>Not so much mine<br>
Or at least more than average. </p>
<p dir=ltr>But I struggle<br>
With the ego<br>
Of others. </p>
<p dir=ltr>I find it confronting<br>
When someone says something<br>
Only to be shot down<br>
Or my advice'd<br>
Or me, me, me'd by another. </p>
<p dir=ltr>Rather than simply<br>
Being listened to<br>
To being heard<br>
To being able to express themselves<br>
Without judgement.</p>
<p dir=ltr>There is no safe space. </p>
<p dir=ltr>We wish for it. </p>
<p dir=ltr>We imagine it. </p>
<p dir=ltr>But it does not exist. </p>
<p dir=ltr>Because no one else<br>
Can ever be trusted<br>
With our inner most thoughts.</p>
<p dir=ltr>These are the ones<br>
That we need to process<br>
Independently. </p>
<p dir=ltr>Without the influence<br>
Of others<br>
Who have a different perspective<br>
A different focus<br>
A different grasp on reality. </p>
<p dir=ltr>And that necessarily means<br>
The world is<br>
In all reality<br>
Made up in some<br>
Complete arseholes. </p>
<p dir=ltr>But that is the nature<br>
Of The World. </p>
<p dir=ltr>And as much<br>
As I hate it,<br>
I see it for what it is...</p>
<p dir=ltr>I live that exists<br>
Beyond the ideals<br>
Of decency<br>
Of common sense<br>
Of all possible outcomes. </p>
<p dir=ltr>Time is cruel. </p>
<p dir=ltr>It teaches us things<br>
That we learn alone<br>
That we can only dream to share<br>
With those who can do<br>
Anything about them. </p>
<p dir=ltr>It takes so much<br>
And delivers so little. </p>
<p dir=ltr>It deprives us<br>
With little reward. </p>
<p dir=ltr>It promises the world<br>
And delivers an atlas.</p>
<p dir=ltr>Life is full<br>
Of swings<br>
And round abouts. </p>
<p dir=ltr>We go up. </p>
<p dir=ltr>We go down. </p>
<p dir=ltr>As we constant go<br>
Round and round<br>
None the wiser<br>
But certainly more<br>
Dazed and confused. </p>
<p dir=ltr>None if it makes sense.</p>
<p dir=ltr>Most of it is confusing. </p>
<p dir=ltr>Much of it is abhorrent. </p>
<p dir=ltr>But what can we do.?</p>
<p dir=ltr>What can we change? </p>
<p dir=ltr>What could we effect<br>
Even if we still had<br>
The heart to do so? </p>
<p dir=ltr>Regretfully<br>
Painfully<br>
Aware. </p>
<p dir=ltr>Seeing the good<br>
As well as the bad<br>
But only seeing the bad<br>
As having any longevity<br>
And resonance. </p>
<p dir=ltr>Enough. </p>
<p dir=ltr>Is what I've had. </p>
<p dir=ltr>But I've this point and time<br>
Just what can I do? </p>
Wendyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10974190496077346318noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7501326220017913079.post-64815345732714482272013-06-30T02:58:00.001+10:002013-07-08T21:07:26.831+10:00Easily Ruptured<p dir=ltr>It's been you all along<br>
Undermining<br>
Destabilising<br>
And now you have lost your hold<br>
Your position of power<br>
You can see<br>
That yours was a tower of cards<br>
That was built on ego<br>
That rejected love<br>
And as your tower falls<br>
And you are left with nothing<br>
Within the hollow chambers of your heart<br>
Because you shut everyone else out. </p>
<p dir=ltr>It was your doing<br>
Your choice<br>
You wanted to protect<br>
Your sick<br>
Twisted<br>
Perception<br>
Regardless of who you hurt<br>
And now your chickens<br>
Are coming home to roost<br>
And you speak<br>
When you used to be silent. </p>
<p dir=ltr>The still waters<br>
That run so deep<br>
Are dark<br>
And malice filled<br>
And when you speak<br>
You are showing others<br>
What I have seen<br>
All these years<br>
And it's not very nice. </p>
<p dir=ltr>And that's exactly<br>
Who you are. </p>
<p dir=ltr>I thought I was mad. </p>
<p dir=ltr>I thought I had it wrong. </p>
<p dir=ltr>I thought I was unfair.</p>
<p dir=ltr>But it was you<br>
And your twisted<br>
Sick<br>
Desires<br>
To be everything<br>
To someone<br>
Who did everything<br>
But who has to go on<br>
Without you<br>
And you have grown<br>
Because that is how the world works. </p>
<p dir=ltr>But not in your head.</p>
<p dir=ltr>In your head<br>
You were all<br>
That he needed.</p>
<p dir=ltr>But that's not right. <br>
That's not natural. <br>
That's not fair. </p>
<p dir=ltr>But that didn't stop<br>
Your childish<br>
Selfish<br>
Ego<br>
That still<br>
After all these years<br>
Can't see anything<br>
From anyone else's point of view. </p>
<p dir=ltr>That's not fair. </p>
<p dir=ltr>You're not fair.</p>
<p dir=ltr>Your words hurt. </p>
<p dir=ltr>But at least they have finally been said<br>
And what I have seen<br>
Is now being seen by others. </p>
<p dir=ltr>And even though<br>
They will forgive you<br>
I will not. </p>
<p dir=ltr>You don't seek forgiveness<br>
Because in your eyes<br>
You are perfect<br>
When in reality<br>
No one is perfect<br>
And it would be laughable<br>
Except that you have hurt<br>
Those who have done more <i>for</i> you<br>
That anyone else in the world. </p>
<p dir=ltr>Blood or not<br>
You only offer rejection. </p>
<p dir=ltr>I would pity<br>
Your sickness<br>
But I am to hurt<br>
And you are old enough<br>
To know better<br>
But you choose to hold onto anger<br>
And that prevents you from seeing<br>
The sacrifices that were made for you<br>
Willingly<br>
Gladly<br>
Without any need<br>
For anything in return<br>
But this is too much. </p>
<p dir=ltr>I can't keep giving<br>
When getting kicked in the teeth. </p>
<p dir=ltr>This cuts to deep<br>
For me to forgive<br>
When no responsibility is accepted. </p>
<p dir=ltr>I can't keep<br>
Putting myself out there. </p>
<p dir=ltr>You may not have grown up<br>
But there are only 10 years between us<br>
And I have grown up<br>
And you are as dead to my present<br>
As a stranger<br>
Because that is the only way<br>
I can look at you<br>
And move forward<br>
When you are beyond selfish. </p>
<p dir=ltr>You are hurtful. </p>
<p dir=ltr>You are spiteful.</p>
<p dir=ltr>You are passive aggressive. </p>
<p dir=ltr>And I finally respect myself enough<br>
To reject your twisted reality<br>
That wants everything<br>
But without  acknowledgement<br>
Of how our why you have it. </p>
<p dir=ltr>I wish it were different. </p>
<p dir=ltr>My heart is big enough<br>
To embrace all you are<br>
But it is not strong enough<br>
To not be effected by your distasteful<br>
And offensive selfishness<br>
And so I end it. </p>
<p dir=ltr>You will always be in my life<br>
But my life lesson<br>
For having you in my life<br>
Is to stand strong<br>
And not let your particular brand of crazy<br>
Destabilise all I have built. </p>
<p dir=ltr>I am not codependant.</p>
<p dir=ltr>I am not pathetic. </p>
<p dir=ltr>And I will no longer be<br>
Your source of amusement<br>
And sadistic pleasure<br>
When I am not afraid to show<br>
That I am human. </p>
<p dir=ltr>When I'm cut<br>
I bleed<br>
But bleeding stops eventually<br>
And the scar tissue<br>
Is Not as easily ruptured. </p>
Wendyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10974190496077346318noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7501326220017913079.post-26136903433670688532013-06-17T00:08:00.000+10:002013-06-17T00:08:04.551+10:00AcceptanceAcceptance.<br />
<br />
That is all.<br />
<br />
That is everything.<br />
<br />
What it means to me<br />
May not be<br />
What it means to you.<br />
<br />
Where it is hurting within me<br />
May also be<br />
Where it is hurting within you.<br />
<br />
Acceptance.<br />
<br />
Rather than trying<br />
to understand<br />
to explain<br />
to reconcile<br />
the feelings within me<br />
that may also be<br />
the feelings within you<br />
and the resonance<br />
my passion echos<br />
I need to just<br />
accept.<br />
<br />
Not to deny.<br />
<br />
Not to justify,<br />
<br />
Not to explain.<br />
<br />
Not to reconcile<br />
<br />
Just to accept.<br />
<br />
That is all.<br />
<br />
That is everything.<br />
<br />
Acceptance. Wendyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10974190496077346318noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7501326220017913079.post-17847860593213967482013-04-28T22:22:00.001+10:002013-04-28T22:22:33.535+10:00One of ThemSnap.<br />
<br />
Yes indeedy.<br />
<br />
Big, mighty, and powerful.<br />
<br />
Snap.<br />
<br />
And the build up<br />
was obvious<br />
and the outcome<br />
was inevitable<br />
and the fallout<br />
was terrible<br />
and now<br />
the air is clear.<br />
<br />
The fear of<br />
holding it all in<br />
finally became greater<br />
than the fear of<br />
letting it all out.<br />
<br />
And let it all out I did.<br />
Yes indeedy.<br />
<br />
Tumultuously so.<br />
Tempestuously so. <br />
Terrifyingly so.<br />
<br />
With so much<br />
physically<br />
emotionally<br />
and spiritually<br />
to pick up afterwards.<br />
<br />
Some things are<br />
irreparibly broken,<br />
but only the things<br />
that don't really matter<br />
and that perspective<br />
is a true blessing.<br />
<br />
Some things have been<br />
thrown away<br />
but only the things<br />
that I should have thrown away<br />
a long time ago<br />
and that release<br />
is also a true blessing.<br />
<br />
Some things<br />
still stand<br />
bent but not broken<br />
and their persistence<br />
is a reminder<br />
of the depth<br />
of their love<br />
and a recognition<br />
of mine<br />
and those are the things<br />
that really matter<br />
and are the truest blessing of all.<br />
<br />
And I know<br />
this is not the end<br />
of this struggle.<br />
<br />
And I know<br />
life is full<br />
of swings<br />
and roundabouts.<br />
<br />
But just for now<br />
all of the pain<br />
all of the anger<br />
all of the confusion<br />
has taken a step back<br />
and provided me with<br />
an opportunity<br />
to take a step forward.<br />
<br />
I can still see it<br />
feel it<br />
lurking<br />
not even in the shadows<br />
but even those two steps<br />
between my now<br />
and my yesterday<br />
are enough.<br />
<br />
Do I want it gone forever?<br />
<br />
Yes.<br />
<br />
And<br />
no.<br />
<br />
For as unbearable as it seems<br />
and as close as I am<br />
to the precipice of the abyss<br />
never knowing<br />
if I will take my next step<br />
forwards<br />
or backwards<br />
it is part of my journey<br />
it is something I need<br />
to experience<br />
to learn from<br />
it is part of who I am meant to be<br />
it is me.<br />
<br />
And acceptance<br />
is the only thing<br />
that negates the struggle.<br />
<br />
Not always easy<br />
when betrayal<br />
and abandonment<br />
always want to<br />
tag along for the ride.<br />
<br />
And acceptance<br />
is more than tolerance.<br />
<br />
Acceptance<br />
needs<br />
respect.<br />
<br />
But does it have to be<br />
a two way street?<br />
<br />
Is it something<br />
I can project<br />
without receiving?<br />
<br />
The me of today<br />
answers in the affirmative<br />
but knows there are some<br />
where this is not the case<br />
and wonders<br />
with equal parts of<br />
loathing and desire <br />
if she will ever<br />
be one of them.Wendyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10974190496077346318noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7501326220017913079.post-20820589248629719472013-04-24T00:33:00.000+10:002013-04-24T00:33:02.802+10:00Any of youFamily.<br />
<br />
Strange<br />
and<br />
estranged.<br />
<br />
Trying to learn to live<br />
without them<br />
when they are still here<br />
is impossible. <br />
<br />
Wondering<br />
how it will feel<br />
when they are no longer here.<br />
<br />
Regretful?<br />
<br />
Yes, surely.<br />
<br />
Wistful?<br />
Indeed.<br />
<br />
But what can I change?<br />
<br />
There are only so many times<br />
I can reach out<br />
and try<br />
and try<br />
and try<br />
in the face of your condemnation.<br />
<br />
None of you need me.<br />
<br />
None of you want me in your lives.<br />
<br />
These things are<br />
all too painfully obvious.<br />
<br />
Why do you defend<br />
the attacker<br />
and not the one attacked?<br />
<br />
Because I am strong<br />
does that mean it's ok<br />
to tear my family apart<br />
and then move on<br />
leaving me<br />
hurt<br />
bewildered<br />
unrecovered?<br />
<br />
If I am the one<br />
who always valued family<br />
more than anyone else<br />
(your words)<br />
how did I end up<br />
being the one<br />
left out in the cold?<br />
<br />
Is is because I dared to speak up<br />
again<br />
as I do?<br />
<br />
I'm not here<br />
to win friends and influence people.<br />
<br />
I'm not interested in games<br />
and power plays<br />
and manipulation<br />
and competition<br />
and controlling others.<br />
<br />
I'm just interested<br />
in my family<br />
my parents<br />
my siblings<br />
my nieces and nephews.<br />
<br />
But I'm the one<br />
still crying<br />
still hurt<br />
who has tried to forgive<br />
but finds that so hard<br />
when there is no acceptance<br />
no responsibility<br />
no apology.<br />
<br />
When every time I reach out<br />
I am ignored<br />
and then lectured.<br />
<br />
And again I ask<br />
what you would have me do<br />
to try to fix this rupture<br />
that I didn't create?<br />
<br />
You suggest this.<br />
I remind you of each time<br />
I have tried exactly that.<br />
<br />
You suggest that.<br />
But I have examples of that too<br />
which I have tried so many times<br />
and you know<br />
and you agree<br />
and you see that I have don't just that.<br />
<br />
But somehow<br />
I am the one<br />
who is the problem<br />
because I don't think<br />
it's acceptable to lie about me<br />
in my mothers house<br />
to refuse to acknowledge me<br />
within the walls<br />
of the home I grew up in<br />
to ignor my greeting<br />
after driving my family<br />
2 hours<br />
to be there<br />
to abuse me<br />
because I don't roll over<br />
any just take it<br />
while all of my family<br />
sits around the table<br />
passing the salt<br />
and raising their glasses<br />
in silent affirmation<br />
that it's ok<br />
to treat me this way.<br />
<br />
I want to say that it is ok<br />
to not be part of each other's lives<br />
but it's not ok to me.<br />
<br />
I wish I could<br />
just get over it<br />
and move on<br />
but every day<br />
that my family aren't in my life<br />
is another day<br />
of betrayal and abandonment.<br />
<br />
Another year<br />
Birthdays<br />
Babies<br />
Weddings<br />
Funerals<br />
Even just the daily grind. <br />
<br />
Another year<br />
or ten<br />
or twenty.<br />
<br />
Another lifetime.<br />
Where did the time go?<br />
Who are you now?<br />
Who are your children?<br />
What have you told them?<br />
<br />
I bet you haven't told them<br />
about the physical<br />
mental<br />
and emotional abuse.<br />
<br />
I bet you haven't told them<br />
about who I really am. <br />
<br />
<br />
I know that<br />
the reality is<br />
you have all moved on<br />
very happily without me<br />
and the fact that is fine with you<br />
keeps my wounds open.<br />
<br />
I have tried to move on<br />
from each of you<br />
for different reasons<br />
in the same way<br />
you have moved on from me <br />
but after all these years<br />
I admit defeat.<br />
<br />
I am the common denominator.<br />
Everyone else is fine. Obviously.<br />
<br />
I can't do it.<br />
<br />
I can't know myself<br />
without my family.<br />
<br />
You are my blood.<br />
<br />
I did not choose you<br />
you were chosen for me.<br />
<br />
And whatever I am<br />
and whatever I am not<br />
the bottom line is<br />
I'm just not as important to you<br />
as you are to me.<br />
<br />
And I don't have the energy anymore<br />
I don't have the resilience of spirit<br />
I don't have whatever is needed from me<br />
to get you all back in my life<br />
even if you did want me there<br />
but didn't know how to make it happen either.<br />
<br />
Some of you have known me<br />
all of my life<br />
and yet my words<br />
my actions<br />
my reasons<br />
are what you say they are<br />
not what I say they are.<br />
How can that be right?<br />
<br />
You know who I am.<br />
You know I am honest.<br />
<br />
You know I am sincere.<br />
You know I am loyal<br />
and supportive<br />
and loving<br />
and caring.<br />
<br />
And you know I am hurting.<br />
<br />
But none of that matters<br />
as much as your pride<br />
and your path of least resistance.<br />
<br />
I can't be<br />
whatever it is you want me to be.<br />
<br />
But I guess<br />
you can't be<br />
whatever it is I want you to be either.<br />
<br />
And that's just how it is.<br />
<br />
But it doesn't mean<br />
that I am not filled with longing<br />
every day for my family.<br />
<br />
It doesn't mean<br />
that when I see other families<br />
bent, broken<br />
normal or otherwise<br />
still trying<br />
and being in each other's lives<br />
that I don't covet that too. <br />
<br />
To share each other's joys.<br />
<br />
To support each other.<br />
<br />
To watch our children grow.<br />
<br />
I wish I could just write it off<br />
as your loss<br />
but it is my loss as well<br />
and my children's loss.<br />
<br />
How does that not matter to<br />
any of you?<br />
Wendyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10974190496077346318noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7501326220017913079.post-62739821203162061832013-04-22T14:02:00.000+10:002013-04-22T14:02:07.382+10:00I show youSick of being<br />
disrespected.<br />
<br />
Sick of being<br />
unappreciated.<br />
<br />
I don't need<br />
the constant<br />
barrage<br />
of your stupid<br />
ignorate<br />
absence of care.<br />
<br />
I've got my own baggage,<br />
my own demons<br />
and I don't have room<br />
to carry yours as well.<br />
<br />
I can stand by you<br />
I can be there for you<br />
I can support you<br />
But you can't turn on me<br />
and then wonder why<br />
I take a step away from you.<br />
<br />
Would one fucking compliment be too much to ask?<br />
<br />
Would one fucking unprompted "thank you" be completely out of the question?<br />
<br />
Would one fucking sincere apology be just too much against the grain of your being?<br />
<br />
Take responsibility<br />
without turning it into<br />
a fucking pity party.<br />
<br />
Stand up<br />
and accept when you are wrong.<br />
<br />
Be honest<br />
with yourself and with those around you.<br />
<br />
All I ask<br />
is that you just<br />
show me the respect<br />
that I show you.Wendyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10974190496077346318noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7501326220017913079.post-92064896167804779702013-04-17T23:57:00.001+10:002013-04-17T23:57:02.476+10:00*sigh*Open minded,<br />
intelligent,<br />
free-thinkers<br />
with<br />
one-sided opinions<br />
and<br />
no consideration of<br />
or respect for<br />
the experiences,<br />
values,<br />
beliefs<br />
and the<br />
right to free speech<br />
of others<br />
when they<br />
dare<br />
to see things differently.<br />
<br />
When you<br />
truly believe<br />
there is<br />
value<br />
in everyone<br />
you meet<br />
and<br />
an opportunity<br />
to learn<br />
and<br />
grow<br />
from every encounter,<br />
you will<br />
stop forcing<br />
your<br />
bigotted,<br />
small-minded<br />
views<br />
on<br />
everyone else<br />
and<br />
will really<br />
walk<br />
the<br />
talk.<br />
<br />
*sigh*Wendyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10974190496077346318noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7501326220017913079.post-38280996595614471922012-08-24T10:55:00.001+10:002012-08-24T10:55:12.489+10:00Monsters of the worldTime moves on<br />
things change<br />
blah, blah, blah...<br />
<br />
The discord within<br />
is constant<br />
but not as chaotic<br />
and there is a sense of peace<br />
in that familiarity.<br />
<br />
So many friends<br />
going through so many problems<br />
but at least I feel<br />
like the crashing spiral of events<br />
has finally stopped<br />
and while it hasn't come to a complete rest<br />
and we still can't even<br />
begin to assess<br />
the full extent of the damage<br />
there are still things that can be done.<br />
<br />
Denial is such a wicked friend<br />
but I am working on my footing<br />
and am starting to stand a respectful distance<br />
and am actually working on<br />
some of the things that can be done.<br />
<br />
And part of me<br />
is still screaming inside<br />
to just walk away from it all.<br />
<br />
To start again.<br />
<br />
Where we can focus on<br />
building our dreams<br />
rather than allowing our dreams<br />
to be tossed to the wind<br />
and eaten by the monsters of the world. Wendyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10974190496077346318noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7501326220017913079.post-83403445756356796072012-04-30T07:52:00.000+10:002012-05-01T00:37:08.112+10:00MeWhy is everything so fucking hard?<br />
<br />
Everywhere I look<br />
I am overwhelmed<br />
by what seems to be<br />
expected of me<br />
but which I fail<br />
to interact with<br />
in way that seems to be the design<br />
of the human race<br />
in the infinity of the universe.<br />
<br />
Words can't describe<br />
how much I hate<br />
this life<br />
this world<br />
just how much hate<br />
and loathing<br />
is inside me.Wendyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10974190496077346318noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7501326220017913079.post-64871521739638724532011-08-08T20:16:00.000+10:002011-08-08T20:16:30.178+10:00SelfishDepression is selfish.<br />
<br />
It steals your view<br />
of the outside world.<br />
<br />
It stands between you<br />
and the people in your life<br />
and laughs as they, too<br />
fade away into the distance.<br />
<br />
It holds your gaze<br />
so your can't behold<br />
the beautiful parts<br />
of the world<br />
as they pass you by and by.<br />
<br />
It trips you over<br />
and kicks you when you're down.<br />
<br />
It won't be reasoned with<br />
but it loves to argue<br />
and to spend countless hours<br />
convincing you<br />
of the futility<br />
and the pain.<br />
<br />
It is cold.<br />
<br />
It is hungry.<br />
<br />
But most of all,<br />
it is selfish<br />
and it consumes us<br />
with the might of the power<br />
that we really have at our own disposal<br />
although we can't see it<br />
because depression is so, so selfish.Wendyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10974190496077346318noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7501326220017913079.post-76671383071653283482011-07-31T01:47:00.000+10:002011-07-31T01:47:55.396+10:00Not Possible?Constantly haunted<br />
by memories of images<br />
I have never seen before.<br />
<br />
Dreams<br />
melding with reality<br />
so much so<br />
that it's hard to tell<br />
one from the other.<br />
<br />
Yet the scenes appear so strong<br />
and the people so real<br />
that I find it hard to believe<br />
I don't "really" know them<br />
and am drawn to think<br />
about alternate realities<br />
and the ability of the human being<br />
to day walk between the two.<br />
<br />
Who's to say<br />
this is not possible?Wendyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10974190496077346318noreply@blogger.com2