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Selfish

2011-08-08T20:16:00.000+10:00

Depression is selfish.

It steals your view
of the outside world.

It stands between you
and the people in your life
and laughs as they, too
fade away into the distance.

It holds your gaze
so your can't behold
the beautiful parts
of the world
as they pass you by and by.

It trips you over
and kicks you when you're down.

It won't be reasoned with
but it loves to argue
and to spend countless hours
convincing you
of the futility
and the pain.

It is cold.

It is hungry.

But most of all,
it is selfish
and it consumes us
with the might of the power
that we really have at our own disposal
although we can't see it
because depression is so, so selfish.

Not Possible?

2011-07-31T01:47:00.000+10:00

Constantly haunted
by memories of images
I have never seen before.

Dreams
melding with reality
so much so
that it's hard to tell
one from the other.

Yet the scenes appear so strong
and the people so real
that I find it hard to believe
I don't "really" know them
and am drawn to think
about alternate realities
and the ability of the human being
to day walk between the two.

Who's to say
this is not possible?

My Friend

2011-07-31T00:15:00.000+10:00

Chaos
usually so hard to deal with
but lately
it is an acceptable companion.

This has surprised me
to no end.

Usually I find myself
entering overwhelm
with my physical surroundings
echoing my mental state.

Currently
circumstances
have created a physicalchaos
everywhere I look
but it doesn't seem to bother me.

In this current chaos I see opportunities
progress
necessary changes
and all of these things
I welcome in my life.

Despite a huge
and dramatic
inexplicable
downturn
last week
that left me
truly
dumbfounded
this week
I am ok
or atleast
somewhat approaching
whatever version of ok
seems to be real
for the time being.

Despite terrible circumstances
befalling me and mine
I am still positive this week.

Next week
well who knows
but this week
chaos is good
and necessary
and something that I can
and want to
work with.

Chaos seems to be
my friend.

My Sleeve

2011-07-14T00:38:00.000+10:00

One step forward
two steps back.

The big guy is a bully.

That's how he became a big guy.

And also why I'm just a little guy,
because and don't
won't
and hopefully never will
lower myself
to the actions
that move you through your life.

I'm so angry.

But I refuse to feel helpless.

There is always something
we can choose to do.

And even a non-risk-taker like me
still has a few surprises
up my sleeve.

What Comes Of It

2011-07-07T00:30:00.000+10:00

There are so many words
floating around my head.

Coming to me
at the most unexpected
and impractical
times
and they appear to be
pure poetry to me
but because I can't record them
I don't have the benefit
of being able to sit back
and reflect on them critically
in order to ascertain
whether they truly are worthy
or just
y'know
words.

While I read so many
truly amazing literally works
and while there are many, many more
perhaps ever more worthy
that I haven't read
I'm not sure whether my own efforts
really measure up
but I can say
I feel a deep and insistent calling
to put my word thoughts to paper
(or at least electronic copy)
and see what comes of it.

Myself Again

2011-07-05T00:17:00.000+10:00

My sister

my roomie
my defender
my guide
my protector
my trend-setter
my benchmark
my first best friend.

What happened?

Why has it been so long
since last we spoke
or made any sort of contact.

There really is no reason.

I have to wonder
if I am feeling so betrayed
by each member of my family
(which I do)
behaps I
as the common denominator
am really the cause
of the problems
and therefore
am really the cause
of my own pain.

How did we get here?

Well, I needed you
and I couldn't ask
because I could barely
do the most basic of things
to make it through each day
let alone put myself out there
so vulnerably
when any time I have done that before
you still just see me as strong
and like I should be doing better
and like the pragmatic warrior within me
would take over
so you didn't need to worry.

But that pragmatic warrior
put down her sword
and began to cower behind her shield
a long, long time ago
and you never even noticed.

So at my lowest
I offended you
by not being able to venture out of the house
and I understand why you might be hurt by this
but you haven't even tried
so push aside my mask when it was at it's thinnest
and see what I was at that time
what I was going through.

And now
as I am getting better
all of the hurts that I am trying to heal
keep being torn open again
because we don't know each other anymore.

And while I know that the images and scenarios I see around me
of connected families
are either misrepresented
or come with their own burdens
I still miss you.

And I can't explain to my kids
why we don't see you
and your kids - my neice and nephew
and while it weighs so heavily on my heart
I know you don't process things the way I do
and where I have pain
you have dismissal
and there is no way
I can ever trust any reconciliation
should one ever be forthcoming
(even though this is not something
I can even envisage at this time)
so I won't
extend my hand to you
because doing so
would again extend my heart to you
and
like a sprained ankle needs strapping for protection
and rest to allow it to heal
so to does my heart
and you are now
harmful to my recovery
and I cannot do that to myself again.

Time

2011-06-29T23:44:00.000+10:00

Control.

More of an illusion
than reality.

Striving for control creates struggle.

Relinquishing control invites nothingness.

How to find the balance.

What is helpful?

What is instinctual?

At what point does action reject a tendency or inclination?

Answers lead to more questions.

More to think through.

Which is taking up
even more of my already limited time.

One step at a time.

Sometimes it's just one minute at a time.

Success of sorts tonight.

Seeking control.

Creating struggle.

But winning.

One small victory
in a never ending battle
but a victory never the less.

Striving to repeat the positive action
to create the positive habit.

Getting there.

Slowly.

Maybe.

One step at a time.

Divinity

2011-06-29T11:50:00.000+10:00

So, so many ups and downs.

This is my life.

As it is the life of many
I would suspect.

Today I am hopeful
and that counts as an up
even though my mind is racing
with the multitude of things
that I need to be on top of
and my anxiety levels
are teetering on the edge
as some recent unexpected setbacks
int he mundane world
have put me so much further behind.

Until recently
I have only ever seen
God at work in my life
and never a negative "force"
that worked in the same way.

So many times
it is like I have been delivered
exactly what I needed.

Some small things
some big things
and I have been grateful
not only that I have received these things
that I have seen as gifts from God
but also because
my heart has been open
to see them that way at all.

But lately
there have been a few instances
more than just coincidences
where I have felt positive about something
had a good plan
been motivated
and something happens
that seems to speak to me
as directly as those positive things
but in a negative and destructive way.

This has really left me questioning
some of my beliefs about the shadow side of divinity.

Worlds Apart

2011-06-28T00:47:00.000+10:00

This is everyone.

Worlds apart.

This Time

2011-06-26T00:44:00.000+10:00

As loss is only temporary
so is the pain of loss.

Some things have a way
of working themselves out
and this leaves me grateful
as I had beeen
before the fall.

Tonight I am content.

Things are not perfect.

Indeed,
they are really so far
from perfect
that it's not fully.

But things are stable.

And that about as good
as I can expect
at this time.

Within You

2011-06-24T22:14:00.000+10:00

Something I have long pondered
and possibly even blogged
(but who knows)
is the illusion of relationships.

We
as human beings
are designed
to form relationships
but
by the nature of life
our relationships
almost never
last as long
as our individual lives.

As a result
we
as human beings
are therefore designed
to be able to overcome
the loss of any given relationship
no matter how deep
or how shallow.

That does not
however
mean we dont suffer
great pain
when we lose
a relationship.

Whether someone is taken from us
or whether we are discarded
doesn't really matter.

The end result is the same.

We are alone.

As we were made.

As we will end.

And so we must overcome
the loss
of a relationship
a friendship.

We can always hope
it is just temporary.

And we can always offer
love and support
from our side of the relationship
even if it is not wanted.

And we can always console ourselves
that these things
are often
more about the other person
than ourselves.

But from my point of view
my feelings didn't change
and I want to be there for you.

But at the moment
I just feel discarded
and I feel
like you never really meant
anything you said to me.

I know you must do
what you feel
is honouring your own truth
but I am still hurt
that you treated me as a friend -
what I thought was a real friend -
and at the moment
that seems not to count for anything.

So now
all I can do
is send you love
and hope that
whatever hurt
or misalignment
or whatever it is
that has brought you to this decision
and this action
heals within you.

Me Today

2011-06-20T00:40:00.000+10:00

Why is my life so behind
when my mind races
a thousand million miles
ahead of where I am
at any given time.

This seems to create a state
of insynchronicity.

And it sucks.

But meanwhile,
back in my dreams,
there was an amazing house
that may not be everyone's cup of tea
that I fell in love with
and we negotiated to buy.

It felt nice there.

Other than that
my lesson to day
is that you can't find motivation -
you have to create it.

That is the biggest message
coming through\
for me today.

My Dreams

2011-06-17T23:23:00.000+10:00

There is so much to say
and none of it makes sense.

How can I explain
what I am feeling
when I can't
make sense of it myself.

My dreams
even though I know
they are not my reality
seem to be
the most real of all.

If only I could exist
day to day
within my dreams.

I Want To Believe

2011-06-08T22:25:00.000+10:00

Good days.

Bad days.

They are all merging into one.

One elastic existance
stretched so tight
that it has lost all elasticity.

Flux.

Change.

Yet somehow completely stagnant.

I am just one of a million
billion
trillion
gazillion
points
in the eternal question of life.

Yet
amongst all this
I have a feeling
that these are truly
the best days of my life.

My children are happy, healthy and adore me as much as they know I adore them.

My marriage is overflowing with love, support and connectedness.

My home is comfortable and is being paid off.

My friends are true blessings.

I have work.

I have food.

I have heat.

I have clothes.

I have many luxuries and many reasons to live.

It's hard to work out where my head is at
when I know these things
and I feel them
and I really do experience profound love and happiness
but sometimes I am just sad beyond sad.

I don't need a reason.

I don't need an explanation.

I just need some sort of consistency.

Some sort of logic.

Some motivation to keep going
that I feel in my heart
to support what I already know in my head.

I still believe this will come.

And I want to believe.

With Purpose

2011-06-06T00:33:00.000+10:00

There has never been
a time in my life
where I have felt
on top of things.

I see now
that seeking control
over one's life
is folly
but I still see the difference
between a harmful state
of seeking control
and an unstable state
of feeling out of control.

My life
is well and truly
the latter.

Am I lazy
because I don't do the things
that I would like to do?

Or do I think to much
and spend so much time
in my head
planning
creating new ideas
that I don't leave enough time
after the mundane tasks are attended to
(or not attended to as the case may be)
to progress my ideas, plans and projects?

Ego hopes it's the latter.

But the little voice
full of words
that force cognitive fusion
tells me it is because I am useless
pathetic
worthless
incapable
weak
lazy
selfish
and so on
and so fifth.

However it is
or however I suppose it to be
I am not living
the life I want
to the point
where I don't feel
like I am living at all.

I have never felt
an absolute purpose
above random and whimsical desires
that lack any semblance of concrete reality.

There is nothing that I do
well enough
to forge into a vision
of who I am
that I would then be able to
manifest into being.

Drifting.

That is all.

Sometimes floating.

Sometimes sinking.

But never charging ahead
with purpose.

Will Be

2011-05-28T21:34:00.000+10:00

When was that simple time?

A time I have never known;
and one which I will
never know again.

I never knew
how things were meant to be
and in that absence of vision
my present was formed.

How can I keep doing this?

Nothing is.

Nothing was.

And nothing ever will be.

I Have

2011-05-26T13:57:00.000+10:00

How did I go
from the me I was a few days ago
to the me I am today?

Such a short distance
in time
but as far from one another
as the sun is from Pluto.

How?

Why?

Can I get back on the path I was on?

Do I even want to?

What other options do I have?

Still Okay

2011-05-25T20:59:00.000+10:00

So today you saw a glimpse
of the fragility
that is the surface
of my existance
and you didn't run screaming from the room
as I wanted to
at feeling so exposed.

So today you saw a glimpse
of the reality I face
and even though it was just a fraction of my thoughts
and how they affect me
you could still see how deeply these waters run
and you didn't show the replusion
that I feel
at being me every day.

So today you saw a glimpse
of how I view the world
and the tears that fall
a million times
on the inside
of whoever it is I am
and you came to me
and you help me
and you made me feel loved
and supported and understood
rather than turning your back on me
and my pain
like so many of the people
I have loved
have done.

So today you saw a glimpse
of me
and I hated it
but I am grateful
that you were there
for me to open up to
in more than the many words
that we have shared before
and it made me scared
but it was still okay.

Miss Me

2011-05-24T23:13:00.002+10:00

I miss you.

I miss not having you in my life.

I miss not the faded memories
of the time
when we knew each other
and when we didn't think
anything of being together
because it was our lives
at the time.

I miss those days.

I miss those nights.

I miss the troubles of then
which are nothing
to the troubles of now.

I miss you.

I miss me.

I Know

2011-05-21T21:26:00.001+10:00

Such a balanced day today
so different
from so many
of the days recently.

Everything has seemed
like it is swinging
so far
from one extreme
to the other
but the highs
are not so high
while the lows
have still been
so low.

But today
everything feels different.

I am reacting differently.

I am focusing differently.

I am planning differently.

I just feel different
and it is the kind of different
that I am happy to feel.

There are so many questions
within myself
and of those questions
there are a lot
that I know the answers to
that I can see the lines
where they are drawn
where they lead
and I know what it means
and what has to be done.

Why, then
do I not do
what I know?

Beseeching You

2011-05-10T18:33:00.000+10:00

When the gleaming
beam of light
streaming through the clouds
screams as loud
as the crowd of angels
on the chords
of God's word
then I know
you are reaching for me
as I am searching for
and beseeching you.

Like This

2011-05-02T23:05:00.000+10:00

Today has been
a day of unexplained overwhelm.

I could feel it coming.

The first thing
I usually notice
is that I lose my words.

It's like I am talking
and my brain is used to the words
just flowing
and I suddenly stop talking
and have to strain
and search
and forrow my brow
(which seems to help with the straining and searching)
and try on different words
to realise they don't fit.

This has been happening
for a few weeks now
coming and going
ebbing and flowing
in intensity
and while I had noticed it happening
I didn't realise
how much this was affecting me
until this morning
when out of the blue
I found a word
that I had lost
weeks ago
maybe longer.

The other thing that happens
is that my confusion increases
with the noise level
particularly
if there are several noises
going on at once
which there usually is
in my life.

Then in the last few days
I've felt
like someone on heavy sedatives
(although I am not)
standing on the edge of a cliff.

It's like I know about the impending danger
and I'm sure it is close
but I don't really feel fear
or anything at all for that matter
and when I do start to feel
the first thing I feel is overwhelmed
like every task is insurmountable
and I go very quiet
and make slightly unusual decisions
about normal routine things
just to try and get through each minute
because I know
that each minute I survive
is one less minute I will have to feel like this.

Many Levels

2011-04-27T22:39:00.000+10:00

A painful night
means not enough sleep
means grumpy me.

Having a whole list
of things to do
and adding to my normal
(whatever THAT means)
lack of motivation
is my grumpiness
and today has been
uber unproductive.

Apart from work
which I usually quite like
buy whick today I loathed.

One of the products
of being grumpy.

Pain set in again
with the setting sun.

No dancing around the issue -
straight to the pain relief.

Why do I have such a strong inclination
to typically resist
taking any pain relief?

It's like
before I take it
there is always another
possibility of relief
but there is the constant fear
that if I take it
and it doesn't work
then that is the end
of all posibilities of relief.

Irrational, I know.

But that is just me
on so many levels.

Know

2011-04-26T00:23:00.000+10:00

Where is the relief?

A pause
a break
a respite
but without change
there is no relief
for the world continues to turn
and life goes on
and with it
the incessant thoughts
of my cluttered mind.

I've heard change
described as something
that occurs in an instant
but in truth
most change
takes time
but we still so often seek
the instant gratification
that we an imagine
without the boundaries of time.

And change is not always lasting
so it seems
that when some things change
and then revert
the change brings regret
and dashes the hopes
that were held
when the potential of change
was first dreamed of.

Where is the relief?

I do not know.

Not Fair

2011-04-25T11:38:00.000+10:00

I hate ANZAC day.

It's not that I'm not patriotic.

It's not that I am not grateful.

It's not that I am selfish.

It's just that I can't see past
all of the atrocities
all of the lives destroyed
all of the lies
the pain
the loss
the waste
the fear
the blood
the cripling effects
that live on
and continue to scar
generation after generation.

I am a child
of a Vietnam Veteran
and I have grown up
with a father
who continued to serve
in the army reserve
while I grew my awareness
of the far reaching ripples
of the propaganda
and stupidity
that so many people suffered because of
except for those
who were really at fault.

One of my strongest values
is a great vehemence for war
and everything it entails.

I wish for a world
where war could not exist.

War epitomises
the dark side
of the human spirit.

That I have never had to
stare down the barrel of a gun
at another human being
and feel the need to kill
is the only thing I am grateful for
when it comes to ANZAC day.

I am not proud
of a country
who committed human lives
that were not thiers to give
and who destoyed so much
to so many people
and expected everyone to move on.

There are no positive feelings for me
when it comes to ANZAC day.

Just sadness.

And reminders
of the realisations
I grew up with
and knowing
that for so many, many more
my realisations
were their reality.

And that's not fair.

The Point

2011-04-23T22:11:00.000+10:00

Again I have found
that trying to create balance
only creates a struggle.

Why is balance
so hard to achieve?

It's like
when I have some things
going well
I have to
push and push
elsewhere
until the whole house of cards
come crumbling down.

Hopefully
this will only
take me
a few steps backwards
and I can get on
with moving forwards.

I realise
that set backs
are part of life
butI still find myself
left wondering
what is the point.

Just Works

2011-04-22T15:12:00.000+10:00

Day by day
things change
and I would have it
any other way.

Today is slow
lethargic
after more than
eleven hours sleep
yet I am still tired.

I haven't had less than
seven and a half hours sleep
every night
for the last week
and yet still I am tired.

Perhaps
I am relearning
the forgotten art
of sleeping in.

For now
I am just doing
what I think is best.

There is still
so much to do
and so little motivation
but bit by bit
I am working through
and I am truly blessed
by the most wonderful family
who
although the little ones are messy
and create so much work
they are loving
and affectionate
and are always happy
to give me hugs
whenever I need them
and to do everything they can
when I am sad
to make me happy.

They are
truly beautiful children
inside
and out.

And the starchild
is also troubled
but so so strong
when I am not
and is more and more
open to me
when I can be strong
for him.

Somehow
it just works.

This Day

2011-04-21T22:15:00.000+10:00

Today has been
one of the worst days
for a while
particularly so
for the absence of any reason
for it to be such.

Panic.
Anxiety.
Overwhelm.

Physical symptoms
the unwelcome companion
to the rest of the shit
I just happen to be going through.

Tears.

Where are they?

Now
when I feel like crying
the tears
no longer fall
so I don't even get
the benefits
from their bitter sweet cleansing.

Tired.

Awake.

Aching.

Yet somehow
keeping on top
of the day
and therefore
not loosing too much ground
to be recovered
once I emerge
on the other side
of this day.

Be Seen

2011-04-14T22:30:00.000+10:00

I've been dazed and confused
for so long it's not true.

Once passionate
my whole being
seems to have slowly but surely
faded into a faceless stream of placidity.

Yet I have noticed
some things
have really pushed my buttons recently.

Not that I am outwardly angry.

It's like I am having these feelings
but it has been so long since I felt them
that I no longer remember
what to do with them
so they whirl around inside me
and bounce off the walls
trying to get me to react.

But I don't.

Then
through this tumultuous calm
I see the point.

A realisation
opened to me
by the emotions
that are felt
without the clouding
of the physical
and I see
that it is a clue.

Something to point me
to drive me
to tell me
what I can
and should
be doing.

But do I have the energy?

Do I have the motivation?

Do I have the time?

In all honesty
I truly believe
that I do have all of these
if I only choose to find them
but whether or not I will do this
remains to be seen.

My Existence

2011-04-10T01:05:00.000+10:00

Masks.

Something we all wear.

They make us feel safe.

But they also
make us feel
other than ourselves.

We take them up
and don them
willfully
instinctually
and yet
we long to take them off
to expose ourselves
for who we really are
to the rest of the world
and perhaps also to ourselves.

But are the masks necessary?

Do we wear them
for a good
and positive
reason?

Is this yet another case
of being careful
what we wish for
when we wish
for a world
where we can live
without masks?

For the last few years
I have been pealing away
layer after layer
of the masks I wear
most of which
I didn't even know existed.

And I didn't really like
what I was left with.

With my mask
went my motivation
to maintain
self esteem
self respect
standards.

It has only been recently
that I have come
to appreciate
the masks
as a means
to smile
and to brighten the days of others
and to work hard
when I would otherwise
have no reason
and would aim
merely for the lowest standard
which is some kind of instinct
and is on some level who I must be
but it just feels so wrong
so bad
so depressing
that I need
to break it's hold
and to put my mask back on
and respect my mask
not as something that I hide behind
but as something
that is formed from my own face
my own heart
my own mind
my own soul
and which reflects me
and which maintains me
and which stops me
from sinking
deeper and deeper
into the doldrums
of the non-existence
of my existence.

All These Years

2011-04-06T00:49:00.000+10:00

Feeling
a slow and steady anxiety
feeding
off a veritble feast
of the unstable banquet within
as the world around me turns
and life goes on.

Staring
with recognition
but without understanding
at the wounds I score
into the fabric of the present
without apparent cause
but knowing
there must be some reason
why I make these choices.

Hoping that the understanding
will epiphasise
or emerge
or fall into my lap
or manifest in some goddamn way
just so I can do
whatever work it is
that I am alledgedly here to do
and then move onto the healing part
so I can finally move onto the living part
which has somehow otherwise elluded me
all these years.

My Soul

2011-03-29T22:16:00.000+11:00

So many thoughts
ideas
inspirations
concepts
little sparks
lighting their way
into the world
through me
at the minute
but not a moment
of motivation
to take them
to nurture them
to feed and water them
into their next phase
of existence
and so they are
forgotten
with their only legacy
being little scraps of paper
that hold the little sparks of ideas
which will soon be recycled
though never completed.

My muse
is not amused.

How long
will she linger
where she is appreciated
but not honoured?

How long
will she bless me
with the thoughts and inspirations
that I let wane
in each and every cycle?

When there is no deadline
there is no pressure
that I seem to strive for.

It seems that my hyatius
is at an end
and
once again
I have failed
to appreciate
and utilise
what has been afforded me
and now it is a waste.

A messed up few days
making the abnormally normal
events of my life
more complex and complicated
I will grant
but staying nevertheless
in the pattern that I have created.

A word today
on reprogramming.

The method
questionable to my soul
but the concept
yes, the concept
one that makes much sense
and one
that fits with many of the pieces
that have been floating around
my micro-cosmos
and which have now
found a matching
puzzle piece
with which
to be tried against
for a good fit.

With some tweaking
I'm inclined to think
this concept
could be adjusted
to create a reprogramming
that completely aligns
with the inherent values
I hold as true
in my soul.

Ever Received

2011-03-27T00:47:00.000+11:00

So surprised
to hear your words
from a third person
unbiased
and without reason
to be taited.

So surprised
that the sadness I felt
that the failure I felt
that the shame
the heartache
and the the constant regret I felt
couldn't have been
further from the truth
of your feelings
on our shared experiences.

To know that you think of the good things
the things I gave
that I resented your ungratefulness of
that I had always hoped
you would one day appreciate
and to have confirmation
that your appreciation
has truly been longstanding
and that you have forgiven me
of my failings
and shortcomings
means more to me
that I could have possibly hoped.

I can't help but thinking
that the peace that I am now feeling
and the affirmations I have received
from a third person
has to do with my magical workings
that were directed entirely
at my own inner healing
without need of expectations
from others
has come full circle
and have delivered
what I never thought
I would have ever received.

PossibleFallacy

2011-03-23T23:40:00.000+11:00

Where are you
in all of this.

This is part of me
that needs to hold you
accountable.

But to do that
I would need to meet you
face to face
and that is not possible.

Not now.

Maybe not ever.

We have a belief
that you hold the answers
but the truth is
the answers are irrelevant
when we don't even know
what the questions are.

I know you are there.

I know you are listening.

I can feel you in every breath
every heartbeat
every degree of rotation around the sun.

Yes, you are there
and I choose to believe you care
but why in the world
so I expect the same
of the creatures you have created.

That is the fallacy.

That is the great lie.

That you would love us so much
deludes us into thinking
we should love one another
just as much
when that
quite simply
is not possible.

Born To Do

2011-03-21T22:24:00.000+11:00

Being busy
and unmotivated
is a terrible combination
on so many levels.

Feeling irrepressibly sad
and thinking this is possibly
an absorption
of the energies around me
which is another
terrible combination
with the energies within me
at the moment.

Knowing I need
to focus on a routine
of many things
including
energy protection
severing energy connections that do not serve
and just trying to
deal with my own shit
rather than
everyone else's
would be a damn good start.

Yes here I am
in a holding pattern
of self destruction
that has become
the pattern of my life
and yet somehow
I manage
better than many other days before
to keep holding on
and believing
things are getting better.

But are they?

And if they are
then to what point
given the state of the woprld
which offers nothing
to get better for.

When I consider
some of the amazingly inspirational people
in my life
I know that I should also be inspired
but I am just awed and confused
and that leads to being
overwhelmed and intimidated
and thus the spiral starts again.

There has been one thing
that should be intangible
which seems to have
powerfully manifested
on my soul
and that is a solitary ritual
I held the other night
around my fite pit
where I made poppets
of the people that I find myself dwelling on
in hurt
and dissapointment
and disallusionment
and anger
and I was surprised
at how few there were
and how much perspective that point alone gave
and I spoke to each of them
and told them how I felt
and why I felt that way
and then I forgave them.

One by one
I forgave them.

And then I burned the poppets
and released all of the painful and negative thoughts
that I had been holding onto
and handed them over to the universe
and now
when my mind thinks of these people
there is nothing
but what I chose for there to be
in my head and in my heart
but mostly
it is just nothing
and that is ok for now
and I know that this is the point
from which I will move on
and find the place
that I am meant to be
in these particular relationships
and I will be able to accept this
without regret
fear
or hurt.

Each day
I am still in gratitude
and I acknowledge
my many blessings
give thanks for
all of the things that really matter in my life
and I appreciate the moments
when my muse stirs
and I hear her voice
and know that there are things
I can do
and that I will do
because it is getting better
and I will forge my own path
where it has worn so thin
that it is hard to follow
because that is what
I was born to do.

Leave Behind

2011-03-08T22:33:00.000+11:00

Caught a glimpse
of me in the past
so many years ago
in a photo
that I had never seen before
and didn't even know existed.

Oh, what a difference
between what I thought I was
and what I really was.

Things that seemed so hard then
are nothing
to the hard things today
and so I wonder
will the hard things of today
be easy
compared to the hard things of tomorrow?

How much harder
can life get?

It was surreal
so see the picture
and find it hard
to even recognise myself
but to have a distant memory
of the place
the day
the feeling
the friendships
the things that were important then.

I had to actually look hard
at the clothes and shoes and socks
I was wearing
and remember them
as being part of my daily mundane life
to convince myself
that it was actually me in the picture.

Dreams about coffee machines
even though I don't drink coffee
and getting the right sized light bulbs
and packing up to move house
and deciding there were so many things
that we could leave behind.

Myself

2011-03-06T23:33:00.000+11:00

A roller coaster ride
is life
for sure
or
as the Starchild
likes to say:
swings and roundabouts.

But it still feels like
one step forward
and two steps backwards
some days.

Today has been
a bit like that.

It's interesting
to observe
how the dynamics
of a relationship
change over time
especially when that time
reaches the point
of being half of your own lifetime.

Things are so wonderful
in so many ways
and which are the ways
that really matter
and it seems to me
that all of the work
over the last 18 years
has been working towards
this wonderful state
and even in my depths
I am so aware
of this deliverance
into my life
and am grateful
for everything that has fallen
into the exact
right
place.

But then I take a step back
and am able to see the wider picture
and it terrifies me
to think that this
is where and how I exist.

To see the crisis
upon crisis
on which my life
has been built
and I wonder
how I could have ever
had made it this far.

And then I take
another step back
and I see the people around me
and I get only glimpses
of the after shocks
of the terrible suffering
and in many cases the trauma
that has been
inflicted upon them
and I wonder
how they could be so strong
and yet feel so weak
and to continue
each and every day
with their own struggles.

And then I take another step back
and I see our country
and the degeneration
of what seems like
every aspect
and I fear the loss of hope
that so many already live with
and all feel powerless
to stop the cumbersome
forward motion
into societal oblivion.

And then I take another step back
and I see the whole world

and the horrors
and atrocities
that are everyday living
if you can call it living
for more people
than are fathomable
and it astounds me
that this could ever be possible
let alone possible
in this day and age.

And through the
momentous sadness
of this view
I have so much awe
for the strength of these people
and there is a part of me
that believes there is a
chamber of fortitude
that hides dormant
somewhere within me
and I wish
that I could call on
that resilience
that drive
that determination
that passion
that courage
that will to live
just by wanting it to be so
but I continue to live
if you can call it that
in passive
slothful
fear
that I will find the key to that door one day
but the universe will be forcing my hand
because I have taken too long
to open it myself.

Go Away

2011-03-01T23:56:00.000+11:00

Many challenges
have I faced;
each seemingly
more challenging
than the last.

A breakdown today.

Foreseeable, yes;
but only from the outside.

The world is not about
what is fair.

The big fish
will always try
to intimidate
the little fish.

But this is
just about
too much to bear.

Logical
does not always
prevail.

Personal vendettas
regardless of justification
have momentum.

With all that I am trying to work through
and all that my wonderful husband
is also dealing with
this is really
the straw
that may break
the camels back.

Strangers
writing non-truths.

Strangers
rebuilding
their own tainted and damaged selves
by focusing their hate and negativity
on the undeserving
because we are small
and have little to lose
which may also be everything
that we have.

Spending time
researching an alternate life.

Perhaps
this is what
was meant to be anyway.

Alcohol doesn't help.

Reaching out
and making plans
to help get me through
each day
that I may
have any chance of being
who I need to be
if he won't
ask for the help
that he needs as well
so that it will all be
just up to me
to support us both
through this travesty.

Something
that I am realising
again and again
is how much I downplay
major incidents
in my life
in an effort
to just get through them
and by denying the incidents
I also deny
my own right
to experience them fully
so they end up
accumulating
and developing into
the crucible
that I live each day.

How I wish
it would all
just go away.

At All

2011-02-28T23:45:00.000+11:00

Control
is an illusion
but there is no reality harsher
than a reality
where there is no control at all.

We Live

2011-02-26T20:31:00.001+11:00

Anger is for the young.

As we grow older
we neither
want
or need
anger.

Is this our virtue
or is it
our fault?

With our increasing perspective
comes the illusion
of wisdom
but is our apathy
for the causes
we held to so vehemently
in our youth
our maturity
or our contribution
to a world
we cannot change?

The essence
of these questions
is whether
we should
hold a macro
or micro
outlook
on the world.

This is the
crux
of so many juxtapositions
of the life we live.

I Save

2011-02-23T22:26:00.000+11:00

There is a story
about a young girl
on a beach
standing amongst
hundred of starfish
that were being
washed up
onto the shore.

The story goes
that the little girl
was picking up
the starfish
one by one
and throwing them
back into the water.

She kept doing this
over and over and over again
even though
the starfish she threw back
into the water
were undoubtedly
being washing backed onto shore
over and over and over again.

A stranger on the beach
happens upon this scene
and as the stranger approaches
they ask the girl
why she is going to such effort
with the physical exursion
as well as the emotional heartbreak
and the young girl replies
that if she is even able
to save one lone starfish
then all of her pain
will have been worth it.

I love this story
and I also love it
when the moral of this story
resonates with
events in my own life.

That has been me
in the last few days.

I don't know
if there really is a grand plan
and it concerns me
that so many people
are so concerned
with determining their position
on this matter.

What I do know
is when there are things that happen
that I don't understand at the time
then if I have an opportunity
to find some positive
and make a difficult situation
feel like is has some purpose
and that I can do something
of worth
because of the experiences
that I have had
then that is the part
that really matters.

Despite having a really hard time
towards the end of last week
I have actually been able to feel
so blessed
in that I have felt
and have known myself to be
a massively important support
to one of the most important people
in my life.

My wish
is that he be the starfish
that I save.

Full Of

2011-02-18T08:40:00.000+11:00

Keeping my moments
of weakness
close to me
is a self-defence mechanism
that I think
I need to start
to let go of.

I've never been comfortable
being a squeaky wheel
and I know
that no one is able
to click their fingers
or wave a magic wand
and solve my problems.

I don't want to be a burden
and I don't want to
give more power
to the weaknesses I feel
so I hold it close
and carry it with me
where ever I go
and somehow
end up feeding it
through the act of
denying it.

So, in an effort
to banish this particular demon
today I open up
and make myself vulnerable
and allow myself to be judged
and say
I am struggling.

Although I know
I have come so far
in the last few month
and that the progress
that I had seen as intangible
for more years than I ever realised
has actually begun to feel real
when I am tested
I can see
that I still have a long
long
long
way to go.

In this
I can still see
the progress
of actually wanting to keep going
where this was not
a safety net
that I have ever
known in my heart
ever since I can remember
so the fact that it is here now
is a real blessing
for myself
and for my family.

But it is a close call today.

I need help.

All I want to do
is to close down
to run away and hide.

I have no interest
in anything.

I am starting
the things that I need to do
to get myself and my kids
through the mundane demands of the day
and I am walking away from them
because even simple things
seem so hard.

And I remember
when I lived like this
every moment
of every day
and I know
that my current "moment"
is far from that
state of existence
when I lived without living
and I know
ever though I can't really feel it
that I have gratitude for that.

Everything is starting to seem
permanent again.

There is no answer
and I feel like failing
and like I would welcome failure
but I hold on to the belief
that failure only truly comes
when we give up
and that is not an option
for the moment anyway.

So here I am.

I am better
yet worse
but I am prepared.

I have a plan
which includes
another option
to get help
and I am ready
and willing
and wanting
to put it into action.

Bad news
is bad news
and even bad news
that is out of my control
that could have
massive repercussions
or mild ones
or none at all
is something
that I need to again reclaim
the resilience
that I am at this stage only able to assume
I once possessed
as that is what life
is full of.

We Desire

2011-02-10T22:22:00.001+11:00

Charles Darwin said,
"It is not the strongest of the species that survives,
nor the most intelligent that survives.
It is the one that is the most adaptable to change.”

In our world that exists
in each moment moving forward
only because of change
this is so very true.

We may spend our time
sitting around
lamenting
what we cannot do
because of
this
that
and the other
or
we may spend our time
giving some thought and planning
to the things we see as barriers
to the things we want to do
and then take a step back
and strip our wants and desires
to their bare cores
rather than how we have
dreamed they will manifest
and through this process
we will be able to
work out other ways
or simply
remain focused on
true and authentic objectives
so that the universe can provide
and we can move forward
and change
with the world
and thereby be delivered
all that we desire.

To Know

2011-02-08T23:57:00.002+11:00

How do you see the world?

What colour are the lenses
of your glasses?

How do you want to
see the world?

I don't ask
because
I want to know.

I ask
because
I want you to know.

More Grateful

2011-01-29T23:33:00.000+11:00

Spending time outside
really seems to help
even when I don't want to be there
if there is a breeze
then I feel blessed.

Spending time inside
preferably wasting time on the computer
even when I should be doing something else
is how I would live my life
if I was alone
and I know that my life is meant for
more than this.

Spending time writing
allowing the spark
that comes easily in terms of flow
but with great difficultly in terms of time
reminds me how long things can take
but how much I love and value them
and how much they make me love and value myself.

Spending time sleeping
doesn't usually make me feel less tired
but it does make me feel
like I have invested in myself
and my health
and I cherish the days
that I can do this.

Spending time smiling
and reflecting on the things I am grateful for
warms my heart
and fills my soul
more and more these days
and every time this happens
I notice it
and am even more grateful.

Those Days

2011-01-28T22:10:00.000+11:00

Sometimes
it's hard
not to start a post
with the word 'sometimes'.

Today
is one
of those days.

Sometimes
I can feel
the energy
that is generated
by the turning of the world
flowing all around me.

Today
is one
of those days.

Sometimes
it seems
like nothing will ever change
at the same time
that I realise
how much has changed
in such a short space of time.

Today
is one
of those days.

Sometimes
I get so caught up
in trying to work out
whatever it is
that I'm meant to be
working out
rather than
just getting on
with my one true purpose
which is
to just be me.

Today
is one
of those days.

Sometimes
I feel
a million miles away
from the people
I am closest to.

Today
is one
of those days.

Sometimes
I am so damn tired
and I don't even seem
to have done anything at all.

Today
is one
of those days.

Sometimes
I just can't help
wasting time
on things
and making myself
late for where ever I'm meant to be.

Today
is one
of those days.

Sometimes
I feel the irrepressible drawing
of addictions
in many forms
and I am consumed
by a burning passion
to submerge myself
in those desires.

And I am forever grateful
that today
is NOT one
of those days.

The Meanings

2011-01-26T18:29:00.001+11:00

It's almost too hot to move
but move I have.

If only I could
maintain this level of motivation
every day.

Trying to avoid going outside.

Passed on a social event
that I was really looking forward to
and was keen to take the kids along to as well
and while I would have really liked to go
the ridiculously hot weather was the reason not to go
not an excuse not to go
and that is progress.

A little something
of the many things
that came from a recent
serendipitous encounter
was that I will get more at the minute
from doing things in the sun
rather than doing things under the moon
because the moon is also a mirror to the sun.

Is this talking about balance?

Is this talking about re-emergence?

So many things to contemplate
but I'm actually looking forward
to piecing together
the meanings.

Change It Now

2011-01-24T22:15:00.000+11:00

I can't work out
if my life is currently
too complicated
or not complicated enough.

It's true that
the story of my life so far
is pretty complicated
(we wouldn't want it to be boring now, would we?)
but my day to day
of actual living
is no where near
as complicated as it has been in the past
and yet
I still have many days
where I feel like
I have been running
for a million years
and I am weary to my very soul
so that the simplest of tasks
is a momentous victory
and therefore
makes my life
appear to be a pathetic waste.

I've really felt
that this forced simplification
was the universes way
of giving me
the opportunities I need
to follow my path
but it has been ever so long now
and I know I have made progress
but that progress seems
so intangible to me
that I find myself
thinking about making
some really huge changes
and really shaking my world up
and turning it all upside down
so I can start with a clean slate
and put the pieces back how I want them.

But the reality is
that I have dependents
and I need to consider
the implications
of all I do
and how it will
affect them.

This has also been my choice.

But as I approach my 36th birthday
and realise
this has been my pattern of limitations
for half of my life
as I have been doing this now
since I was 18
it really worries me
and I don't know what to do
to change it now.

To Do

2011-01-18T15:12:00.000+11:00

Sometimes
it's as if
I can actually
feel
the world moving.

That incessant turning
that I am simple
not part of.

It rattles
in the hollow corners
of my endless mind
adn does me no good
what so ever.

Rarely
(though rarely is not never)
do I feel
like I am moving
in sync
with the world.

More often
it is like
I am sitting somewhere
just beyond the rim
and if I reach out
my fingertips
almost get
within skimming distance
but I never know
where the rim
is smooth as it looks
or whether it is
deceptively sharp
and will burn the skin
from my fingers
with it's unstoppable
friction.

At the minute
yes
I can feel the world moving
and no
I do not feel
like I am part of that movement
but I finally feel
like I am moving too.

Moving along my own course
that I have to trust in
whether I can see it or not
as that is the only path
I have to follow
and I am the only one
who will ever
be able to follow it
as I am destined to do.

2011 - So Mote It Be

2010-12-31T23:54:00.000+11:00

New Years Eve
almost here
and so glad I am
to see the back
of 2010.

I've been doing
a hell of a lot
of looking back
over my life
and am finally starting
to see things
much more clearly
than I ever have before.

Not all of it is pretty
and there is much of it
that was downright horrible
horrendous
and I am finally starting
to see all of that
for what it was
and to actually feel
the things
that I should have let myself feel
at the time.

This has been very tough indeed
and even though this year
has not has as many of these
terrible events
which I am honestly grateful for
it has still made
2010
one of hardest years of my life.

And while opening myself
to all of this past pain and hurt
that still affects me today
has been tough
it was work that I had to do
and to do in my own time
when I was ready.

Even though 2010
for me
has not been a very good year
it has still been
much of what I expected
on some levels.

One of the strongest feelings
that I started this year with
was that I would experience
personal revelations
in the way I looked at life.

Copernican shifts
was the term
that stuck with me
and 2010
has been very true to that indeed.

I've done a lot
of stripping things back
of stripping myself back
and with the end of 2010
I feel I am now ready
to move out of that stage
even though
for me the transition
probably won't fully occur
until my birthday in February
I can still feel the change
beginning now
and am well and truly
welcoming it into my life.

Even so
this has been one of the happiest Christmases
I have had for a very long time.

This year's summer solstice
blessed me with
such amazing energy
and was such a shift in itself
but I see this
more as a move
into the next phase of my life.

This new years eve
I am starting the year
how I intend for it to finish
and will do
all in my power
to make that so.

I have but one wish
for new years eve
and that is health
for I accept responsibility
for all of the other blessings
and I know
that my life is now
as I have created it
and through that knowledge
and experience
I have the power
to make my future
all that I want it to be.

May all of my family and friends
also have the gift of health
and have a year that is free from illness and injury
so that the rest of what we long for
can find a place in our lives as well.

In 2011
so mote it be.

Know God

2010-12-30T01:37:00.001+11:00

That everyone
explores
and decides upon
their own belief system
is of paramount importance
in my eyes.

Whatever you decide
let it be your own choice
and may you enjoy the freedom
to express your beliefs
without fear of prejudice
and without distraction
to allow for the respect
of every other person's beliefs.

But
no matter what you decide
I cannot help
but hope
from the greatest depths of my heart
that you have an understanding of
the divine
and that you find your key
to connecting
to that universal energy
and really knowing your creator
so that you have a sense of belonging
and connection to
by whatever name you shall know
God.

My Reality

2010-12-30T00:39:00.001+11:00

I know
you mess with my head
but I still
after all these years
don't know
if you mean to or not.

Once foes
now careful allies
maybe even friends
how ever things were
and
how ever things are
it is good
healthy even
to be able to
honestly
truly
put aside
all of the hurt
betrayal
doubt
and just enjoy
one another's company.

Even so
you always seem to say
something
that keeps me wondering
and opens me to the mystery
that is your past
and makes me think about
how much of that
I should let in.

There are so many times
where you have
completely and utterly
summed me up
without the sugar coating
and again you do that for me
and I seem to learn from it
in a positive way
in the face of
negative words.

And never do I
take offence
to what you say
about me
but it is the things you say
about others
the ones I love
on whose authority
can you speak
and say the things you do
that leave me wondering
and leave me second guessing
your motives
their motives
and even my motives
by the way you look at things
and the things you say
that mess with my mind
even after all these years.

I've said it before
and I'll say it again:
family is a strange beast
and it is one that extends
beyond the blood lines
to those we give passage-way
into our lives
directly
or by proxy.

Any you are in mine
and it has been so
so
so
painful at times
but the pain seems to have gone now
and I am ready
to learn the lesson
and take that lesson
into the next phase
which I can feel building
and forcing it's momentum
into my reality.

Afraid Of

2010-12-23T08:45:00.000+11:00

Finally
finally
finally
a day filled with
the feelings of
real possibilities.

Such mid-summer energy
has suddenly
collided with my consciousness
and pushed out
overwhelm
lethargy
apathy.

Cautious though still
fearing burnout
but so wanting
to harness this energy
and also truly needing to
this close to Christmas
with family responsibilies
all resting on my shoulders
while my husband works
17 hour days.

But even that seems
manageable today.

Taking things
one step at a time
and being realistic
about only being
a tentative few steps
in front of a time
of not even being able to crawl
let along being able to
put one foot in front of the other.

Filled with gratitude today
for my family
and my friends
for those who have had me
in their thoughts
as their prayers
have today reached my heart
and I feel connected
as I should be.

Now there is a "should"
that I am not afraid of.

No Interest

2010-12-22T18:59:00.001+11:00

No interest.

No Energy

2010-12-22T18:39:00.000+11:00

No energy.

I Should Be

2010-12-22T00:45:00.000+11:00

It's not like
it's any surprise
that life
is constantly changing
but
more and more
I am realising
that I can do change
but can't do change as well.

It's not that I mind
that things change
it's just that I never seem
to be in the now
of any given change
so when the next change comes
I really hardly notice it
because I am still
focusing on
the previous state
in a feeble attempt
to be
wherever the Hell
it is that I should be.

Be Seen

2010-12-20T15:59:00.000+11:00

So many things
going through my head
at the moment
but no productive actions
because I am either
existing in the past
or in the future
but never in the present
and therefore
never find myself doing
the things that are right
for my time.

Yes, I can acknowledge
that this is the thought pattern
of some individuals
who do extraordinary things
and while I sometimes feel
this is in my potential
it more usually feels
like it is so far removed
from my true existance
as I had never even been able
to dream it may have been.

Everything
seems just
out of my reach
and there is nothing
that I feel
is within
my actual capabilities
at the minute.

Still,
with my resent thoughts
on failure
I know more
to be true
that failure
only really occurs
when you give up
and
thankfully
I am not
giving up
and therefore
I am not failing.

How that evolves
remains to be seen.

Deserve That

2010-12-13T22:31:00.000+11:00

Little pockets of anger
have become
my newest companions.

Perhaps it is because
I have denied them for so long.

Perhaps I have been blind.

Perhaps I didn't feel
like I was worthy
of getting upset over.

But now
it is invading
my sleep
as well as my waking moments.

I think you will feel
like I have abandoned you
rejected you
but the real problem is
I feel
abandoned and rejected
by you.

Family is a strange beast.

A strange beast indeed.

For people we know
and who we know
know us
and who our rational mind
tell us
that when we are apart
we do not need
one another
our subconscious
tells us
a completely
different
story.

Family
is who we are connected to
despite the reality
of who we are
and sometimes
when we feel
we cannot heal
the wounds of family
we know
in our heart of hearts
that we cannot escape them either.

Tonight
I sit in silent contemplation
and wish you well
as much as
I wish you wished me well.

I really think we both deserve that.

The Case

2010-12-13T22:22:00.000+11:00

Feeling like
I have admitted
and accepted
defeat.

Knowing that
the choice is no long mine
no longer in my power
and that
handing this over
have been my failing
and entirely my doing
because I couldn't do enough.

Fearful that
things will get better
at the same time as
being fearful that
things will get better
and that the only way
that this can ever happen
is totally beyond my ability.

Wishing that
all I am
would be enough
but feeling that
this will never be the case.

My Passion

2010-11-27T22:28:00.000+11:00

Knowing something
understanding it
is not the same
as being able to define it
and it is this skill
that I have been
increasingly lacking in
over the last
however many years.

Just very recently
however
I have noticed
this is something
that I have started to regain.

To not be able to say
what I think
or to express it
and also remember it
has plagued me
like a gaping hole
in my very consciousness
that I had an awareness of
as this was still knowledge
and understanding
but I just couldn't define it.

It is only now
that I am starting to
regain this paradise of words
that I can see
how much it has affected
my sense of self
because as human beings
we look for patterns and
dare I say it
labels
to find understanding
but this process must work
in both directions
and words are the tools
that separates us
from the beasts.

Some reading I am doing at the moment
with a 'how to' type book
has made me realise
just how many of these techniques
I had already known
and actually been apply
from a very early age
but that had become
lost in the ether of my existance
and this realisation
has been incredibly eye opening
but not regretfully so
for a very, very nice change.

There are so many things
that I am trying to sort out
about who I am
versus who I was
and who I never was
and never will be
and in this process
I am pleasantly surprised
to find that some things that I had longed for
yet given up hope on
are actually still part of me.

That rediscovery
is inspiring
and something
that I know I can build on
and is key
to finding
my passion.

In Life

2010-11-22T22:39:00.000+11:00

There are so many things
that I don't understand
least of which
is why the things I think
and the things I want
are so far away
from the life I live.

Each day
starts with such promise
and there is so much
that I want to do
and I feel so busy
yet so tired
right through to my bones
so even though
I feel like I never stop
I'm still not doing
the things that I want to do
and plan to do
and seem to see
others doing.

Expectation has a lot to answer for
and that is something
that I understand
and accept
but am still so painfully aware
of the incongruence
between my mind
and my existence.

Yet somehow
through the fog and calamity
I still feel hope
and that is something
that I hadn't felt
for such a long time
so when I feel it now
I am grateful.

I am also grateful
for the lessons I learn
and I know that
even those that I forget
stay with my subconscious
like the messages of my dreams
and build on the creation
that I was born to be
and to continue to develop into
and to fulfil my purpose in life.

Passing On

2010-10-26T22:04:00.000+11:00

My mind at the minute
is a mass
of whirling experiences
competing for relevance
in a world where relevance
is my whole existance.

Sensation overload
feeling everything
and being okay
with much more
of what I am feeling
at the minute
than those same exposures
would cause
just a few short months ago.

One thing
leads to another
and timeframes
overlap in all of this.

Seeing things
in a non-linear way
and truly seeing a glimpse
of the bigger picture
enough to know
that I do not need to know
and that I only need to live
right here
right now.

So much to do
and still not enough energy
or motivation
but
at
least
not
complete
dibilitation
so
counting
my
blessings
on
that
front
at
least.

Feeling
so much
acceptance
for the experiences
of others
and the
validity
of their
responses -
that is what
is bringing me to tears
these days.

Still a great longing
for things of the past
but now coupled with
a pulling
that is getting stronger and stronger
towards the future
and complete and utter gratitude
for those who have travelled with me
in the past
in the present
and who will be with me
in the future.

Thank you, all,
you are all so valuable to the world
in your existence
in my existence
and in the existence of others
and I am so amazed
at the way the world works
to create a perfect synchronicity
in all that is.

My prayer tonight
is that all who are seeking
will find
at least one piece
of their own puzzle
as well as
at least one piece
of someone else's puzzle
that they can have the honour
of passing on.

Company

2010-10-14T14:40:00.000+11:00

Today is
bright and shiny
for me
and for that
I am so very, very grateful.

There are
of course
things going wrong
in my life
in the lives of my friends
and in the world in general
such as there is everyday
but today
I seem somehow better equipped
to live amongst these things.

What has made today different?

Or, more accurately,
what has made today the same
but me different?

To be honest
I just don't know.

Does it matter what is different?

Well, in a way, it really does,
because without knowing what is different
I won't know what I need to change
next time I am feeling down.

There are certainly
tricks
I can use
to try to ward off
the darkness
but do any of these really work?

Clearly I'm not of the kind of disposition
to just stop questioning and accept
so in the absence of answers
I will continue with all of my many questions
to keep me company.

To Stand

2010-10-13T22:21:00.000+11:00

It occurs to me
today and many other days past
that in the last few years of my life
I have been in a kind of recession
in that bit by bit
the universe has worked
to change my life
and I have felt that involvement
so strongly
and even at terrible times
I have felt a contentment and trust
that what was happening
was happening for a reason
and even during the times
when I no longer cared
what that reason was
what I was doing
was actually rejecting
what I knew was true
not changing my beliefs
so that even though
I truly believed
there was a purpose
and a reason
I had chosen
in those dark times
to refuse to take part.

It's amazing to realise
that even after years and years
of things not actually getting better
and of separating from my beliefs
that they still existed
and are still here waiting for me
as I start to emerge.

But over these last few years
it seems that as a direct result
of the pressures and
my great strength that became my great weakness
things have changed in my life
and I have always known
that I was where I was meant to be
and have had peaks and troughs
in many different things
there has been a massive downward trend
in a lot of the pressures
and I have developed the habit
of working to further reduce and protect
my existence.

Now, with a book
that is not particularly famous
interesting
or relevant
but is one that I know
I would usually chose
to protect myself from
I have instead found myself
listening to and acting on the synchronicities
and have decided to seek out
and read this book
even though it contains
some of the most horrendously true attrocities
and I don't really need to read it
somehow I actually do need to read it
and there is a fear within me
that I am not ready
and that I never really was ready
or ever really will be ready
and that everything is just easier
when I bury my head in the sand
and pretend bad things don't exist
when the truth is
I know they do
and I feel unable to accept
that living in this world
is an acceptable option
but never the less
I am reading this book
and I know what happens
and how it ends
and none of it is good
yet still I read
bit by bit
and
it occurs to me
that reading this
may help rebuild the wall
of who I am
in the place
where the wall
of who I need to hide away
used to stand.

But Me

2010-10-10T22:56:00.000+11:00

Today I have noticed
that there has been a change in tone
in some of the memories
that I have been
holding in my hand
and against my heart
as I have been taking
my usual trips down memory lane.

As usual
I have been revisiting
many different
trials and tribulations
and I remember being angry at the time
or resentful
or disappointed
and looking back
sometimes in regret
sometimes in remorse
sometimes still in anger
but always with at least one eye
focused squarely
intensely
and critically
on myself.

This
of course
has resulted over the course of many years
in a weakening of the walls
only now I am realising
that I had every right to build those walls
and that many of them
made me who I was
and that tearing them down
brick by brick
at a time in my life
when I hadn't even had the chance
to build them fully
was a huge disrespect
to myself as a person
and has had a huge impact
on the state I now find myself in.

It is good to be looking at these challenges
with the benefit of hindsight and maturity
and seeing them for what they were
and that is totally fucked up
and more to the point
totally not my fault.

I haven't always believed
that I did the best I could
because even though
I knew with all honesty
how hard I was trying
and how much I cared
I was still somehow
demanding and expecting
more of myself
and that wasn't right.

Now I can see
and I can truly feel
and I can also accept
that I did do my best
and my best is actually
quite fucking awesome
and even if it wasn't properly understood
or appreciated
or just simply all I could do in a terrible situation
those short-falls were not my short-falls
and I should have still been able to
wear my thoughts and actions
with pride and honour
because it was who I was
and more importantly
it was who I was meant to be
and who I was meant to continue to grow into.

In all my many, many hours
of wallowing in what never was
rarely am I
so forgiving of myself
as I have found myself being today.

It has always bothered me
when I see people
who have been horrendously treated
returning to those who have hurt them
on the basis that
for them
true forgiveness
is only possible
when the person who has caused the pain
is part of your life in a loving way
and I'm not sure
if it bothered me
because I felt it lacked self-respect
or because I felt some things should not be forgiven
or for any other number of reasons
and I was told recently
that it was perfectly okay
for me to be bothered by this
because this solution did not have to "fit" me.

Knowing this was a huge relief
and now I find that I am taking the next step
and rather than trying to work out
how I can forgive some things of others
I have actually been able to
turn the concept of forgiveness
back onto myself
and I am starting by forgiving me
which is a huge and surprising step forward
and I know that I still have such a long way to go
but it feels kind of like hope
to consider a future
where I don't have to carry
all of the blame that I had taken on
and to be able to consider a future
where I don't need
to rebel against judgement and condemnation
and to strive for
acceptance and validation
from anyone else but me.

Know How

2010-10-08T22:25:00.000+11:00

Did I mention already
that the day time wears me down?

Today has been no exception
and it is a tough night indeed.

There is just so much
that I would change
but I just
don't
know
how.

Will Too

2010-10-08T11:40:00.000+11:00

By the end of the day
I am usually worn out
physically
emotionally
and spiritually
but
something that has surprised me
is that I seem to be
starting each day
in a much better
frame of mind.

For this I am
both relieved and grateful.

Around me I am seeing

many friends
who are unhappy.

Throughout my most recent bout
of soul-deep unhappiness
the only constant source
of tolerability in this existence
has been a reflection on the natural world
and my belief in
the beauty and benefit
of the turning of the wheel of the year.

This is just something that I understand
something that I accept
even when I am in the midst
of rejecting all else
every aspect
of myself
of other people
the turning of the wheel
retained it's resonance
with my soul.

As each day passes
and I am feeling "better"
my love of the wheel of the year
has deepened
and broadened
and I have accepted
more and more
of what it includes.

For this I am also
both relieved and grateful.

But when I am seeing
my friends
unhappy about
what I am now seeing
to be intrinsically linked
to the turning of the wheel
it saddens my heart
that they are not seeing
the beauty
that is there
or that they are seeing the beauty
but are allowing their vision
to be tainted
and manifest itself
in negative comments
and compaints.

It makes me sad
because they are missing out
on an opportunity
for happiness
but also
they are taking a negative view
on the only thing
that got me through
the absolutely darkest period of my life.

Each day we are given
opportunities to learn and grow
and I am relieved and grateful
that I am again moving
in a positive direction
and am accepting
that I am still
and perhaps always will
be walking over rough, uneven ground
as I travel my path.

My focus at this time
is to work on mindfulness
of living in the moment
and of appreciating everything.

My prayer at this time
is that you will, too.

To Live

2010-10-05T10:25:00.000+11:00

Even in my darkest moments
I always knew that
my life
was a direct result
of my choice
and that my current situation
was also a choice.

The problem was
I felt that I had made
so many terrible choices
in the past
and that I was a thte point where
even though I knew I had a choice
in that very moment
I had no interest
in positive change
and I just could not see
how
to actually choose
and make choices
anymore.

I didn't feel capable
of being in control
and all I saw
about the times
when perhaps I had been in control
was mistake after mistake.

In short,
I wasn't honouring myself
and my life lessons.

Even knowing that
didn't change the way I felt about it.

Sometimes I still feel that way
but less and less often
and for shorter and shorter periods
and to shallower and shallower depths.

And for that I am so grateful.

There is no reason
in these feelings
and as a logical being
this intensified the feelings
of overwhelm
and being out of control
and powerlessness to change anything.

Now I can see the choices a little clearer
and once I made the choice
to change
and once I accepted
that it had taken a very, very long time
to get to the point that I was at
so therefore it was also going to take
a very, very long time
to move in a stable and controlled way
to the place that I wanted to be
this was the only choice that mattered
and I made it the founding choice
for everything else
and that has helped.

It is still a long road
and even on the days
when I feel
what could possibly resemble
some sort of normality
and that I don't need the same things
that I needed when I made the choice to get better
I know that I do actually need to continue them
and that it is okay to need that support
for a little while longer
and that there is no need
to feel like I am only strong
when I am going it alone
because true strength
is in utilising all of your resources
and alchemising them
into the future I want to live.

Meant To Be

2010-10-04T10:29:00.000+11:00

We are holistic beings
meaning
everything we do
has affects and consequenses
on other aspects of us
and our lives.

What works for some
does not always work for others
in terms of paths and attitudes
but there are undeniable basics
that work for all.

These are the natural laws
under which we all live
and which I believe
are the ongoing work of God
and when chronology is seen as a concept
rather than another natural law
the real natural laws
can be seen as creation
and the science of God
where the two work hand in hand
and are one
as are we all.

So many times
I think about getting back to these basics
of existence
but so many times
I fail to make it through even one day
where all of my choices
support what I
with all my heart and all my soul
believe will help.

This is where it is obvious
that I am an individual
and like all individuals
I have my own path
and my own attitude
and need to find my own way
with who and what I am
to get to the point
where I am holistically honouring
who I am
and who I am meant to be.

Again Now

2010-10-02T10:14:00.000+10:00

Mixed messages
from the universe.

How unusual.

How to sort out
what I'm thinking
and what I'm feeling
and know
how to move through each day
working towards
living a purposeful existence?

How to find the time
and the inspiration
and the motivation?

Do these things even exist?

I'm beginning to doubt
that there was ever a time
when these things were
part of me
part of my life
so how can I expect
to find them again now?

Don't

2010-09-29T09:21:00.001+10:00

Standing on the outside
not even bothering
to look very far in
because I don't like what I see.

That is me today.

It's hard to look in
because looking in
reinforces the fact
that I am on the outside
and I have no idea
why I'm here
and not in there
although there is a level of belief
that tells me
this is partly my own doing
and partly my own destiny
so on that logic
it is not you
who does not let me in
it is not you
who makes me feel like I do not belong
it is not you
who excludes
it is just who I am
and who I am meant to be
on the path I am meant to walk.

Do I like it?
Am I happy about it?
Would this be what I chose for myself
if I felt I actually had a choice?

No, not at all.

But what else can I do?
Do I want to struggle?
Do I want to feel
like I am constantly battling against myself
and the universe?

When I barely have the strength
or the fortitude
or resilience
to fight the daily fight of existence
how could I possibly believe
I have the energy
to fight such other enormous forces?

And to that
the answer is simple:
I don't.

Purposeful Life

2010-09-27T11:26:00.000+10:00

Always a million things
circling around
in the limitless limits
of my cranial cavity
bumping into one another
or travelling their merry path unhindered
such is the existence
of each solitudinous thought.

Today seem an abundance
of active thoughts
of thoughts about thoughts taking a back seat to deeds
and yes, indeed, there are many deeds, of which I am thinking today.

So many plans
so many things to do
teetering on overwhelm
but somehow controlled
because somehow seeming
more possible today
than other day
that are otherwise identical
other than the ability to work with overwhelm
rather than be engulfed by it.

Something I have decided lately
is that while I long for a more simple life
of things being easier
with less to do
this is not what I want at all
because it is these things
that make me feel alive
and that give me a passion for life
and for living
and the inspiration and drive
to continue each day
and to seek out a purposeful existence
and that is the way I want to live.

As much I am not really doing
crazy, overwhelming, ridiculously busy life
I don't think I could do
simple, easy, routine and boring life either.

What I need to be working towards
is not simplicity
although that works well for some
for me it is my fate
to be busy
and to learn that planned down time
is not laziness
and that relaxation
can also be purposeful
but most of all
I seek to live a full
and busy
and purposeful life.

That I Do

2010-09-22T12:47:00.000+10:00

Have a "feeling" day today
where I am just coming out
and saying what I feel.

Look out world;
this is never a pretty process.

Everything from selfish, bullying drivers
to lovely, aging ladies who are trying to lead others in outdated and useless processes
are the focus of my verbalisations at the moment.

This is not to say that I am walking around abusing people
no, that is not what I do
but certainly biting my tongue is not what I do today either
not bowing graciously in silence when precious time and effort
is wasted when it could be much better utilised
through simple communication
and organisation.

So, that is me today
and it kind of feels good to feel
but I do realise
that I have a tendency to upset the apple cart at these times
and that when I feel I have been playing a role
that isn't me and I get to the whole crucible stage
rather than managing things step by step as they occur
then I'm really no fun at all for anyone else.

The other thing
perhaps separate
perhaps very much related
is that I have not slept well the last few nights
but without normal reason or cause
and have been very disconcerted
by the many, many energies around me
to the point where this morning
a voice woke me up
she told me "something"
just one or two words
and I think she counted to three
or was it from three to one?
and it wasn't like it was a dream
and it didn't feel like I was in a hypergognic state
it felt like she was standing next to the bed
actually saying whatever it was she said
and it wasn't worrying
if anything I had a sense of an explanation
like what she said made sense
and the problems sleeping made sense
but now I can't remember what she said.

So I have been very carefully and diligently
cleansing the energy around me
and creating a layer of protection around me
but am still feeling
penetrated
so maybe I'm meant to be feel more
maybe that's what this is about.

Oh, who knows
I'm just going to have to
work with it
day by day
and seek progress
in all that I do.

Sleep

2010-09-13T10:44:00.000+10:00

Slowly backing away
but not sure why
I seem to have slipped
and am seeking
the same destructions
and today I have found
that I have double-booked
which I hate doing
as the best of times
but particularly on this occassion
as one appointment is very much overdue
and is one that has been trying to happen
again and again
but which can only be scheduled
in the narrowest of windows
and even then
has needed to have been
rescheduled so many times already
and now here I am
having to reschedule again
because the other appointment
is unavoidably necessary.

I've felt the energy changing
so much lately
swinging back and forth
like a pendulum on speed
and I seem to be
stuck to the pendulum
and swinging back and forth, too
only the pendulum
lives in Dorothy's Aunt Em's house
and is caught up in the magical tornado
that spins between the worlds.

Yes, that's where I feel like I am at the moment -
in a tornado between the worlds.

And there's no fairy dust in this tornado
and all I want to do is sleep.

To Be Again

2010-09-11T17:05:00.001+10:00

A thousand years ago today
or was it a thousand and two?
I closed the lid
on a box I keep
and hid it from sight
until its memory slipped
beyond my consciousness
through my dreams
and wallowed in the pool
of never to be thought of.

As the days passed
and the moons waxed and waned
a hundred new lifetimes were born
and in each one
there was a need for the box
but the lid remained closed
for reasons as unknown
as the memories of the contents became.

Now I find
I am not only ready
but I am actively choosing
to explore those reasons
and through the steps I am taking
I am finding my strength
to face my demons
and without ever planning
or realising
or hoping to dream
about this forgotten box
the lid has suddenly and silently
been lifted
and there is has gifted me
with a beautiful and completely serendipitous experience
of remembering a little of the contents of that box
and while it is very much in need of a spring clean
it contains exactly what I need right now
and while it was with me all along
I was not ready
to open it
for I was
building my experiences
that will serve me in the next phase
but first
it really is time
to face those demons
and get the rest of the lid of that box
opened
and aired out
and dusted off
and cleaned up
for in that box
is who I really am
and who I am ready
to be again.

See It

2010-09-09T13:06:00.000+10:00

A blue day
happens once in a while
and everything forms a question
that serves to create insecurities
but I am floating through this day
in the knowledge
that today is just
that kind of day
and that's ok
because tomorrow
will be a different kind of day
and I am ready
to at least try
to prepare to greet tomorrow
with a fresh eye
and a beating heart
and not to lament
the loss of today
for in each moment
there is success
if we only choose to see it.

So Much More

2010-09-08T07:33:00.000+10:00

Slowly but surely
things are starting to work
including my brain
which has to be a good thing, right?

I always believed
that I had the pieces to the puzzle
although I didn't always feel that to be true
but now I am feeling it a little more
and it is now that I realise
how lost I had been
and how foolish I had been
and how grateful I now am
to be in this situation
rather than that one
which is not where anyone should be.

And while we may know
that we are who we are
and we have what we have
and don't have what we don't have
because of our own choices
that sometimes does nothing
to affect our sense of power
in being about to change any of it
but I am on the path
to reclaiming that
and it feels so much better
even it if still feels somewhat fragile
and I just grateful
that is all
and that is enough
for today
because tomorrow
I will be
so much more!

So Long Now

2010-09-05T21:56:00.000+10:00

The lightest mood
in a long, long time
has found me today
in my hiding place
and I have found myself
rising to greet it
gratefully
and with antiscipation
rather than with the disdain
and rejection
that has settled in as my welcoming party
for so long now.

There were "moments"
yes
and I acknowledge
that my energy
has the energy of others
with which it must interact
for I have chosen them
and they have chosen me
to experience in this life
and setting up protection
is shutting down that energy
when it was meant to be
so what is really called for
is inner strength
and resilience
and perspective
and tolerance
and a multitude of other things

that have been sadly lacking
for so long now.

But I am nothing
if not stubborn
and I am feeling the strength
in that stubbornness
and I am feeling the determination
and inspiration
and energy
and passion
in that stubbornness
and am embracing it
even though the awareness
of it's potential fleetingness
lurks
never far from the surface
it is something I can accept today
and maybe again tomorrow
and then maybe the day after that
I will find that the lurking
starts to begin to commence
fading further and further
below the surface
and then
in any moment
it will all start to feel
much more normal
having that strength
and fortitude
which I should have had
for so long now.

In This Moment

2010-09-04T22:04:00.000+10:00

Change is sometimes a state of mind
often a state of mind, in fact
and even though I feel ready
that feeling is sometimes only temporary
often only temporary, in fact
but it is one I choose to embrace
in this moment.

Out There

2010-08-26T16:28:00.000+10:00

A difficult day
a difficult time
but it's time to peel the onion
and see if I can make parfait
(that's a little joke for all of the Shrek fans out there)

Don't Do It

2010-08-24T10:01:00.000+10:00

Again
I was reminded
yesterday
of what is still
only just below the surface
of so many of us
who have lost
and who know
and accept
with their heads
that the end has come
and has also now gone
but in their hearts
and in their dreams
they still don't accept it
and that is still causing
so much pain.

I don't believe
there is a single person
in the whole
broad
circle
who isn't feeling the same way.

And in each one
there are so may lessons learned
and we all know
so much more
about who we are
and about what we want
and almost as importantly
about what we don't want
and we know there are things
that we can do
but somehow
we just don't do them.

This is the way with so many aspects of our lives

and it makes me confused
because I can't understand
how we know what to do
but we still don't do it.

Indeed

2010-08-20T09:40:00.000+10:00

A facebook friend
who is a chef
but for some reason
have a preference
for random insiprational
and thought provoking comments
but only some days
posted the following today:

You find your path not by thinking, feeling, or doing but by surrendering. This reveals the impulses of spirit beneath the mask of ego.

It wasn't credited
but I understand
that it is from
Deepak Chopra.

Sounds like as good a plan as any
but am thinking
about the act of surrender
because it is a giving
and therefore there is also
a receiving
both by what is meant in the quote
but also you are surrendering
letting go
to another
and that's the bit
I need to get my head around
yes, Wendy logic
has kicked in again
and I get that this is an act that requires
the absence of logic
but if I can just prepare to release logic
by applying logic first
then I'm going to find it so much easier

something from scouts
that has been running around in my head
is their saying that
scouts do not give into themselves

so applying that to the Deepak Chopra quote
you don't give in or surrender to yourself
you can give in to God or the divine
or whatever label you use for such things
but is it just me or do others feel
like they are just left hanging there
when you do that

hmmmm
much to think about
indeed

The Alternative

2010-08-16T21:34:00.000+10:00

It's one thing
to be at the point in your life
when you are looking back
on things that happened
twenty-three years ago
and to realise that there actually was
a "twenty-three years ago"
and how old that makes you feel
and then to realise
that there were things from that time
that are still affecting you now.

I'm not sure which realisation is worse.

I've reached a point
where my old demons
who were once young
and fresh
and relatively harmless
have gone on unchecked
for so long
that they are now
great pals
with my new demons
and with all of the constant
demands
and stress
and pressure
of day to day life
and wave after wave
of overwhelm
that I now need
to do something
about those old demons
so that I have a fighting chance
of being able to fend off
my new demons.

Some things are harder to do than others
and doing something hard
that you know will be but the first
of many
many
hard things
that offers
only more pain
with no guarantee
of success
or any relief at all
makes a hard thing
even harder.

But I have taken the first tiny step
and although I am dreading it
tomorrow I will take another tiny step
where I open myself up
for someone else to peer around inside
only to judge me
and to confirm my fears
or worse yet
to fail to confirm them
meaning that there isn't even
any hope.

But assuming there is hope
tomorrows "step"
really only equates to
the lifting of one foot
in the hope that there will be
something for it to come to rest on
before I can actually conside
myself to have taken a step at all
and there is pain in every movement
in every tensing
of every muscle
and with one foot off the ground
I have an even greater chance
of falling
again.

But what is the alternative?

Your Own

2010-08-09T11:14:00.000+10:00

Some things
are easier than others
and some days
are easier than others, too.

Sometimes
blue days just happen
and sometimes
blue days turn into blue weeks
and while there are different shades of blue
having long periods of feeling
some shade of blue
is just no fun at all.

It is during these times
that our insecurities
are at their peak power.

We didn't feed them
but we do keep them
and when we are feeling blue
they like to grab at us
with both hands
and whisper into our ears
in a deafening
thunderous
roar.

They ask the questions
that cause the doubts
that we are not strong enough
to resist when we are feeling blue
and they perpetuate the cycle
and make us feel even more isolated
no matter how many people surround us
or even if we usually enjoy
quiet solitude
their roaring whispers
keep us from contentment
and churn us up inside
with feelings of worthlessness.

And where are your friends?
they whisper
Who cares how you are feeling?
What you are going through?
Are any friendships real anyway?

And every absence
from those who have their own
shades of blue days to deal with
and who have their own insecurities
and their own priorities
and demands on their lives
but who
nevertheless
are absent
feeds the doubts more and more
and the long dark tea time of the soul
stretches into the wee small hours
and you're left pondering
what to do
how to change
what mistakes you made
and knowing
that you get out what you put in
so suck it up princess
this is your reality
now go out there and live it
or sit here
in the dark
and fumble around
in the gloom
looking to others to save you
when you weren't even broken, lost or fallen
to begin with
you just allowed the wrong voices
more power than they deserve
when the only one
with any real power
is your own

Never Be

2010-08-07T22:58:00.000+10:00

It's not good enough
and I can't make you
want to want
and nothing can repay
the debt that you owe
but whose keeping score
forever more
because it can only work
if neither of us keep count
but somehow
somethings
don't seem to add up
and there are little things that matter
and big things that matter more
and even though we're not keeping score
i still feel kinda ripped off
and i want to be able to tell you
how i feel
but i need to see
what decisions you make
over and over
that never place me first
or second
or even third
and even though i've never done this before
I'm pretty sure
that' I'm meant to be
in at least the top three
so why can't it be
that when you chose
you could possibly chose me
and when I look at things that way
it's just not good enough
and there is nothing that i can do
to change me
or to change you
and what is will ever be
and to me you will never be

In My Mind

2010-08-07T16:54:00.000+10:00

I think I got it all wrong somewhere along the line.

Things that I thought were truths
turned out to be blind
ideals and now I find
that being kind
is not always being wise
and being wise
is sometimes folly
for although I have tried
to be open and honest
I now feel admonished
for opening myself
and calling you sister
when now that all is said and done
things that I thought were truths
missed the
point and missed the
time
which always moves on
from the time
when we made our promises
and I thought that you made your promises
because you believed in them
but your truths
changed
as your life
changed
and you moved on
because you needed to
but now you find
that those truths
were real
and those truths
expressed what you feel
behind the bravado and the pride
but I am so glad
to be welcoming you back
even though you are still not on track
but that you accepting
and you are seeking
what you lack
because it is part of all of us
and you are ready to turn back
to those truths
from that time
when you made your promises
and I made mine
for you are still my sister
and I am yours
and there is nothing
that will ever change that
in my mind.

Now or Ever

2010-08-02T17:55:00.000+10:00

How can I
possibly tell you
how offended I am
how belittled I feel

betrayed
disrespected
and humiliated

when
if I did tell you
then the best case would be
that you really understood

which would only serve

to make you feel the same
as I feel now

and the worst case would be
that you didn't understand
or didn't care
or didn't accept
how your words
and attitude
and actions
and inactions
affect others

which would only serve
to make you angry at me
which is where the spiral of the end begins
and that is the last thing anyone wants
of that I am sure

On one hand
I know
that your words
and your thoughts
and your attitudes
are yours
and not mine
and the only power
they have over me
is the power
that I grant them

but you are my friend
and my sister
and when I open my heart to you
as a friend and a sister
I am opening myself
to the affects of your words
and your thoughts
and your attitudes

and I don't think
that you even realise
that you have caused me any pain
or upset
or insult
or injury

but you have

And because I do love you
and I don't want to hurt you
and I don't want to close off to you
then all I can do now
is continue to love you
as a friend and a sister
unconditionally
for who you are
and to know that
you have also been hurt

so whether you mean it or not
when you hurt me
you are only protecting yourself
and it is a result
of your own insecurities
which are things we all have

and I am sure
that my insecurities
have also played part
in how I feel
and have also played part
in things that I have said
and done

So for now
we can just both continue to grow
together
as friends and as sisters
and I wont need to work out
how I can possibly tell you
how offended I am
how belittled I feel
betrayed
disrespected
and humiliated

because I can love myself
unconditionally
for who I am

and when anyone else
whether they are a friend or sister
or whether they are a stranger
offends
belittles me
betrays me
disrespects me
and even humiliates me

it does not diminish that love
and that is the only thing
that I need to feed
or to give power to
now or ever

Not There

2010-08-01T22:25:00.000+10:00

i close my eyes
at night
in the darkness
so there's no chance
that i could possibly see
what is not there

My Life

2010-07-12T12:19:00.000+10:00

So many changes
such unusual energy
am being told that this is good
and am definitely seeing
and feeling
many, many improvements
and potential
where not so long ago
was an horrendous void
but am still trying
to get a proper hold
to sink my fingers in
and grip
to find security
amidst the change
that should be good
but somehow
all of the
dark moon energy
seems to be
overpowering
the new moon energy
so all of the promises
of positives
of what is about to be
still seems so distant
that it might as well be
a million light years away
as just around the corner
as is being promised
and even though i do believe
that this positive change
is close
and the negative energy
is definitely in the past
this is like a limbo
that might as well be
a void
because the good
and the positive
is not yet able to
permeate
through the thin veneer of sanity
to get to the heart
of the matters
which have held court
in the dark recesses
from which the shadows still lurk
and all around me
my logical eye
sees and knows
what is about to be
and it sees and knows
this is good
but at the same time
my feeling eye
sees and knows
that there is still much shadow
within us all
and that our path
through the forrest
to the land of promises
is not a wide, smoothly-pathed highway
and we are not
riding in luxury cars or planes
but are being carried
by our own two feet
which are attached to the body
that we tend to take for granted
and prevent ourselves
from making the best progress possible
but when we look at what we have
and what we can do
and position our inner Self
so we are facing forward
and are prepared to simply
get on with the hard work
and the many arduous tasks
that are before us
without stopping to pay the same tolls
over and over again
for other people's choices
so we fail to collect
on the rewards of what we have done ourselves
of that many things we have achieved
and just knuckle down
and move on
then we are just making things
more difficult for ourselves.

So, awake I was
in the wee small hours of the morning
to work with theamazing energies
that are happening around us at the moment
with the new moon
and the solar eclipse
and all of the other changes
that are taking place with the astral bodies
that surround our planet
that affect us
as above
so below
and I have determined my focus
and have set my intension
before the divine
and as I create within
so I will create without
once this new energy
finally enters my life.

A Wonderful Thing

2010-07-02T20:41:00.000+10:00

Six months ago
I wasn't ready
for this outcome.

The entire possibility
seemed so entirely impossible
but it became
very much a reality
very quickly
and for some
just too, too much.

But as heartbreaking a journey
this has been
for me
and for many whom I love dearly
my pragmatic side
is well and truly
in gear
and I am seeing
once again
the present
for what it is.

Necessary.

A strength to build upon.
The right time.

A new beginning.
Positive progress.
The reason and sense to all our yesterdays.

And as much as I
as well as many others I'm sure
wish it were different
the fact is
that it is not.

Could is have been different?
Absolutely!

But should it have been different?
No way.

When I look back
at the ages
and stages
and phases
of my life
and see the last few years
and the many
many
many
journeys I have been experiencing
and then I compare those
to the one I have been on
just in the last six month
when I have had to choose
to work towards
what so many times
seemed like an impossibility
and when my faith waned
my resolved strengthen
not because I thought
what I was doing
would effect the outcome
but because I was doing
what I believed in
and what I believe in still
regardless of the outcome
and even when questioning faith
I was still acting on my choices
and where there was little else
to have faith in
having faith in my own resolve.

And I can now say
that I have done all I could do
and so have you
and that is a wonderful thing
and should be rejoiced
not mourned
and we should be grateful
and I know you are
and I want you to know
that I am, too.

But truth be told
I am tired.

I am so tired
in so many aspects of my life
and there are some that I just have to
keep juggling
but this one
I now know
after the last few years
of training and study
that I can still juggle
but with much more
flexible boundaries
and I am still worried
that I will fail
but less worried
than I have been in the past
because these last few years
and particularly these last six months
have proven to me
what I had lost faith in
after years and years
of travelling
just a few feet off my true path
and that is
that I can choose.

So, today I choose
support
loyalty
friendship
to you
and to me
and while I may not be able to do that for you
exactly how you need me to
that means I can also recognise
that sometimes you may not be able to do that for me
exactly how I need you to
and through that
I see
that we are
truly
doing the best we can
and that is
truly
a wonderful thing.

The World Instead

2010-06-28T20:12:00.000+10:00

So, after thinking I had things sorted out
I tried them on
and didn't like the way they felt either.

So am now even more confused.

And still in a constant state of overwhelm.

And now it's school holidays
and I have kids to entertain
and I have been taking on more and more
and all of the things I have been taking on
are things that I love
and things that I want to do
but I am feeling a little
well
you know
overwhelmed

and none of it is hard
it's just that one of the things
that I am struggling with
more than normal
at the minute
is motivation
just one of the side effects
that harmonises too well
with my natural tendencies

and I really feel like having a whinge
but I won't
because it would only really be seen as just that
a whinge
and wouldn't serve any constructive purpose

It's like I'm expecting people to read my mind
and thats not cool
and is really quite unfair
but that's how I feel
and I think it's better than whinging
so that's how I'm going to be

Other than confused and overwhelmed, that is.

So, it's time to put my head down
and my bum up
and just do what needs to be done.

I don't like Option A
and I don't like Option B
so I'll just have to change the world instead.

And Support

2010-06-26T10:16:00.000+10:00

Looking at some of my past posts
I am even more grateful
for what they gave me at the time
in helping me to work through things
and also for what they are giving me now
which is clarity and affirmation.

Something that I have felt
in a much greater sense than normal
is how every experience you go through
becomes a resource that is available
in your present and your future.

Now I am seeing
why I have been given that message
so strongly
as now
I have worked through some
seemingly impossible lows
and I know there will be more to come
but those lows
have been preparation
for today
so that I can make the decision
that I have been avoiding
for far too long
but which I felt at the beginning of this year
I would make soon.

Well, now is soon enough.

So, the time has come, the Walrus said
to speak of other things.

And while I think that speaking of other things
seems like further avoidance
and also seems like
ignoring my own advice to seek support when I need it
I believe at the moment that it is necessary
and the best option
and I know that I will still seek support when I need it
but in this moment
the things I need to do
are things that only I can do
and I know that I am not alone
and I am grateful and content in that knowledge
because being independant
is not living in a tower alone
it is building the tower
that you choose to live in
and inviting those you love
and whose energy is good and healthy to be near
and who live in their own towers nearby
to come and visit you in your tower
and to build a sense of community
where we can all stand alone
yet at the same time stand as one
in a city of individual towers.

So, I'm building my tower now
have been, in fact, for some time now.

And it is not the best tower
but it is my tower
and I will honour it
as it will honour me
in strength
and silence
and solitude
and support.

As I Am

2010-06-25T08:51:00.000+10:00

My recent soul-shaking existence
has become
*somewhat*
more steady of late.

It has been a really tough few weeks
and that's not something
I say (read: admit to)
often.

But, as part of my current process
that involves reassessing strength
I am trying to be more open
when I am not feeling strong
and
rather than taking it all on myself
because I am never comfortable
be a burden on others
and
because there are so many
drama queens
out there already so I don't think
that the world needs me being another one
I am trying to present it
to those who need to know
and to those who can help
with balance
and with honesty.

Usually I don't like to blog
or make any kind of public display
about my inner turmoil
but this time
I let some of it out.

Part of the problem is that
I don't always realise
how bad things are
until I start to get better.

But this time was really intense
and I was scared
and was in the most extreme
state of overwhelm
(as opposed to the standard state of overwhelm
in which I usually exist)
that I was forcing myself
to count putting a washed and dried frying pan
away in the cupboard
as a victory
an achievement
so I would have even just one little thing
that I could count as something I had done that day.

And yet
through all this
I managed to function
and do so many things
that no matter how much
I resent the label at time
I must be strong
even when I no longer want to be
and even when I have so little belief in myself
to think that such a label could be in any way deserved
I am strong
if for no other reason
than because I am still here.

And I don't need reinforcement of that label.

And I don't need *hugs*.

And I don't need anything at this time
other than acceptance
without judgement
and without the transposing of other people's thoughts across my actions
as my actions are my own
and your thoughts are your own
and there is usually
so little understanding
or so much tainting from your beliefs and experiences
that rarely does the latter
have even the slightest resemblance to the former.

So, strong I am,
and strong I will be
for, now, even when
I don't feel strong
or I don't want to be strong
that is a strength in itself
and that is something that I accept
as part of me
that exists beyond ego
and rejects all energy
that looks upon that strength
in ignorance
and sees
anything other than something
to be proud of
and grateful for.

As I am.

Whatever

2010-06-08T15:44:00.000+10:00

Examining faith.

Yes

I know

there is a problem there already.

Faith *should* exist

in the absolute absence

of examination.

Meh, whatever.

Enough Already

2010-06-07T07:11:00.000+10:00

My unfaithful friend and companion
returned again on the weekend
so suddenly
and unexpectedly
and with profoundly dire implications
on my whole existence
and ability to function
to a degree
that I have never experienced before.

Like a tornado
he blew in
and left a trail
of devastation and destruction
within me
that I didn't think possible
especially considering
all of the excellent progress
I had been making on so many levels
but
he just had to have his say
and that he did
in no uncertain terms
and with no fluffing around the issues.

At least I can rely on him
to always tell it like it is
and even though he is a harsh judge
there is a cold truth in all he has to say.

Then
staying true to the tornado metaphor
he was gone
as suddenly as he came.

I didn't feel him come
and I didn't feel him go
but I knew when he was present
and when he wasn't.

And once he was gone
I was raw
and a little numb
and could start to look at
the damage that had been done
and to consider rebuilding
where just hours before
I never would have thought
that rebuilding of any kind
was even the most remotest of possibilities.

Today
I started the day
at 10pm last night
after three or four hours sleep
and I have been awake since.

I feel like I am in shock
like having been in a car accident
where the car is a crumpled mess
but I have been able to crawl out of it
and walk away
not completely unscathed
but certainly alive
and realising what a near miss I had just had.

Now I continue with the knowledge
that even when I feel he is far away
and safely chained up
that I will never be
completely impervious to his attacks.

That is a reality.

And as distasteful
a house-guest
he is
he must serve a purpose.

This time
some of my core beliefs
have taken a battering
and have been left so
bruised and swollen
that I barely recognise them any more.

Perhaps this was the purpose of this visit.

Just so more things to work through
like I didn't have enough already.E

The Only Way

2010-05-28T10:38:00.000+10:00

Sliding backwards
or downwards
is often
as subtle a process
as the slow ascent
back up from where you were.

This is me at the moment.

I'm still scared
to look back over my shoulder
and to see that place
where I have been
for longer than I could
really acknowledge.

The presence of that place
seems to nip at my heels
and just as a simple carelessness
like an untied shoelace
can serve to trip me up as I move forward
it can also provide
something for that place at my heels
to grab onto
to sink its teeth into
until it can get a good bight of my flesh
and re-start the process of my dismemberment.

And it may only take
a snag of a stray shoelace
or perhaps only even
a moment of hesitancy
as I glance back over my shoulder
and that monster of a place
may once again become my best friend.

So, I'm doing my best
not to go there
and am taking things
day by day
and taking down the wall
brick by brick
and moving along my path
step by step.

Because that really is the only way.

Until You Say Goodbye

2010-05-20T15:24:00.000+10:00

Hearing
a lot
in lyrics
particularly
those that appear
through synchronicities.

I'm not sure
if this is the case
for everyone
but my PlayList hasn't worked
for a while now.

And then today
it started working.

The first song it played
was "Affirmation"
by Savage Garden.

It's a great
positive
uplifting
song.

Here are the lyrics:

"I believe the sun should never set upon an argument
I believe we place our happiness in other people's hands
I believe that junk food tastes so good because it's bad for you
I believe your parents did the best job they knew how to do
I believe that beauty magazines promote low self esteem
I believe I'm loved when I'm completely by myself alone

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye

I believe you can't control or choose your sexuality
I believe that trust is more important than monogamy
I believe your most attractive features are your heart and soul
I believe that family is worth more than money or gold

I believe the struggle for financial freedom is unfair
I believe the only ones who disagree are millionaires

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye

I believe forgiveness is the key to your unhappiness
I believe that wedded bliss negates the need to be undressed
I believe that God does not endorse TV evangelists
I believe in love surviving death into eternity

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye"

It Seems

2010-05-18T19:35:00.000+10:00

Something superficial
is required
it seems.

Something superficial
is something safe
and something safe
is required
it seems.

Moving slowly
carefully
but not carefully enough
it seems.

Trying not to feel
not to open the gates
because then
I will need
my own hands
to be the gates
and I will hold them close
against my face
and try to keep them closed
but once those gates are opened
it is just
too late
it seems.

Sitting on the precipice
where it is not safe
but it is also
not plummeting
completely
and utterly
out of control
all the way
to the bottom
so therefore
must be
some level of control
in an uncontrolled
sort of way
it seems.

Looking around
and seeing wonderful things
and knowing gratitude
but somehow
not really feeling it
like it sits on the surface
or maybe it sits in the depths
but somehow
it doesn't fill the space
in between the surface
and the depths
where I am
on the precipice
and so
I know things
like gratitude
but somehow
I don't really feel them
it seems.

Here there is no comfort
there is just survival
there is fear
but I am able
to block that out
as well
or maybe
I am not blocking it out at all
maybe
the fear
is also
not able to get
in between
the surface
and the depths
to where I am
and so
I am spared
the fear
as well
it seems.

But I know it's there.

And it knows I'm here.

And it waits.

And it watches.

While I rock
carefully
on the precipice
and I try to work out
what things
I need to throw
over the edge
to plummet their way
to the bottom
and I try to work out
which direction
I need to throw those things
when I finally work out
what those things are
because
if I throw the wrong things
or if I throw the right things
in the wrong direction
then I am sure
I will upset
whatever balance
there currently is
and then
I may not
be able to even see the precipice
on which I now sit
and feel unsafe
and uncomfortable
as much
that is
as I can feel these things
it seems.

But it is a precipice
because there are highs
and they are wonderful
and some of them lately
have shown more of me
the real me
than I have seen
in a very long time
and it was
wonderful
amazing
inspiring
to see me
the real me
but it was so short lived
although that glimpse
was so very worth it
if only
there wasn't the formidable
and unstoppable
swing of the pendulum
that never seems to find its level
and makes me doubt
that there even is a level at all
it seems.

So now you will find me
sitting on the precipice
my precipice
and I ask you
to forgive me
my self-indulgent
aloneness
and I ask you
just to think of me
now and then
and send me a blessing
over the air
that will reach me
where I sit
up so high
ready to fall
or to fly
it seems.

At The Moment

2010-05-12T11:23:00.000+10:00

Am in a
very strange place
at the moment.

Not a bad place.
Not a good place.
Not even an indifferent place.

Just strange.

I'm sure
I will know more about it
once I have moved on
but for now
I will just be here
and see what there is to see.

There are very small things
that are playing over in my mind.

Daily things.
Mundane things.

That don't seem to be of any consequence
but which stay with me
until I say them out loud
and sometimes
even after that as well.

A neighbour who I've never met before
whose son is often here
who came here looking for him yesterday.

One of my cat's being deaf
and me worrying about
the practical side
of that transition
but also worrying about
what she makes of it
and particularly worrying about
whether she thinks
that I have stopped talking to her.

An unanswered text message
to my sister.

A dream of a member of my family
from whom I am estranged
who appeared behind me
and who I snapped and swore at
and who then laughed
and said he missed me
and everything was okay
and then meeting someone
in real life
the next day
with the same name
but with no other connection
to me
or my family
other than to serve to keep the dream
fresh in my mind.

Other ideas
that I do nothing with.

Twenty-fours hours in a day
the same for everything
the only thing
that is truly equal
in the lives of
every creature
on this planet.

But where do they go?

And why do my
thoughts and feelings
on each of those
twenty-four hours
change so rapidly
and through so many degrees.

Simple pleasures
that turn into addictions
and create sloth
and seem to sap the pleasure
out of so many other pleasures
so that when even the smallest accomplishment
is finally and actually accomplished
there is such pleasure
in this
stupid
boring
mundane
inane
and sometimes even insane
thing
that the sense of accomplishment
dwindles
so far
and so greatly
and so rapidly
that it would have been better
had it never existed
at all.

Did I mention
already
that I was in
a very strange place
at the moment?

The Self

2010-04-22T23:33:00.000+10:00

Are you taking the time
to create the things today
that you can look back on tomorrow
and say,
"yes! That is where I was then,
and this is where I am now,
and I received messages then
that I needed for my future,
which is finally
my present"?

Ok, so this *exact* phrasing
is probably not *that* likely,
but when you think of it
isn't is really
quite relevant?

What can you find
in and around your home
and your families homes
that reminds you
of a time
and a place
in which you once
existed?

What can you find
in and around your life
that reminds you
of a time
that once was
but is
and can be
no longer?

You have progressed,
yes,
but how do you know this?

How do you see this?

How do you measure this?

And,
most importantly,
how do you learn from this?

PERTH - INITIATION
RAIDO - JOURNEY
ANSUZ - SIGNALS
DAGAZ - BREAKTHROUGH
EHWAZ - MOVEMENT
THURISAZ - GATEWAY
MANNAZ - THE SELF