Indeed

A facebook friend
who is a chef
but for some reason
have a preference
for random insiprational
and thought provoking comments
but only some days
posted the following today:

You find your path not by thinking, feeling, or doing but by surrendering. This reveals the impulses of spirit beneath the mask of ego.

It wasn't credited
but I understand
that it is from
Deepak Chopra.

Sounds like as good a plan as any
but am thinking
about the act of surrender
because it is a giving
and therefore there is also
a receiving
both by what is meant in the quote
but also you are surrendering
letting go
to another
and that's the bit
I need to get my head around
yes, Wendy logic
has kicked in again
and I get that this is an act that requires
the absence of logic
but if I can just prepare to release logic
by applying logic first
then I'm going to find it so much easier

something from scouts
that has been running around in my head
is their saying that
scouts do not give into themselves

so applying that to the Deepak Chopra quote
you don't give in or surrender to yourself
you can give in to God or the divine
or whatever label you use for such things
but is it just me or do others feel
like they are just left hanging there
when you do that

hmmmm
much to think about
indeed

The Alternative

It's one thing
to be at the point in your life
when you are looking back
on things that happened
twenty-three years ago
and to realise that there actually was
a "twenty-three years ago"
and how old that makes you feel
and then to realise
that there were things from that time
that are still affecting you now.

I'm not sure which realisation is worse.

I've reached a point
where my old demons
who were once young
and fresh
and relatively harmless
have gone on unchecked
for so long
that they are now
great pals
with my new demons
and with all of the constant
demands
and stress
and pressure
of day to day life
and wave after wave
of overwhelm
that I now need
to do something
about those old demons
so that I have a fighting chance
of being able to fend off
my new demons.

Some things are harder to do than others
and doing something hard
that you know will be but the first
of many
many
hard things
that offers
only more pain
with no guarantee
of success
or any relief at all
makes a hard thing
even harder.

But I have taken the first tiny step
and although I am dreading it
tomorrow I will take another tiny step
where I open myself up
for someone else to peer around inside
only to judge me
and to confirm my fears
or worse yet
to fail to confirm them
meaning that there isn't even
any hope.

But assuming there is hope
tomorrows "step"
really only equates to
the lifting of one foot
in the hope that there will be
something for it to come to rest on
before I can actually conside
myself to have taken a step at all
and there is pain in every movement
in every tensing
of every muscle
and with one foot off the ground
I have an even greater chance
of falling
again.

But what is the alternative?

Your Own

Some things
are easier than others
and some days
are easier than others, too.

Sometimes
blue days just happen
and sometimes
blue days turn into blue weeks
and while there are different shades of blue
having long periods of feeling
some shade of blue
is just no fun at all.

It is during these times
that our insecurities
are at their peak power.

We didn't feed them
but we do keep them
and when we are feeling blue
they like to grab at us
with both hands
and whisper into our ears
in a deafening
thunderous
roar.

They ask the questions
that cause the doubts
that we are not strong enough
to resist when we are feeling blue
and they perpetuate the cycle
and make us feel even more isolated
no matter how many people surround us
or even if we usually enjoy
quiet solitude
their roaring whispers
keep us from contentment
and churn us up inside
with feelings of worthlessness.

And where are your friends?
they whisper
Who cares how you are feeling?
What you are going through?
Are any friendships real anyway?

And every absence
from those who have their own
shades of blue days to deal with
and who have their own insecurities
and their own priorities
and demands on their lives
but who
nevertheless
are absent
feeds the doubts more and more
and the long dark tea time of the soul
stretches into the wee small hours
and you're left pondering
what to do
how to change
what mistakes you made
and knowing
that you get out what you put in
so suck it up princess
this is your reality
now go out there and live it
or sit here
in the dark
and fumble around
in the gloom
looking to others to save you
when you weren't even broken, lost or fallen
to begin with
you just allowed the wrong voices
more power than they deserve
when the only one
with any real power
is your own