The Case

Feeling like
I have admitted
and accepted
defeat.

Knowing that
the choice is no long mine
no longer in my power
and that
handing this over
have been my failing
and entirely my doing
because I couldn't do enough.

Fearful that
things will get better
at the same time as
being fearful that
things will get better
and that the only way
that this can ever happen
is totally beyond my ability.

Wishing that
all I am
would be enough
but feeling that
this will never be the case.

My Passion

Knowing something
understanding it
is not the same
as being able to define it
and it is this skill
that I have been
increasingly lacking in
over the last
however many years.

Just very recently
however
I have noticed
this is something
that I have started to regain.

To not be able to say
what I think
or to express it
and also remember it
has plagued me
like a gaping hole
in my very consciousness
that I had an awareness of
as this was still knowledge
and understanding
but I just couldn't define it.

It is only now
that I am starting to
regain this paradise of words
that I can see
how much it has affected
my sense of self
because as human beings
we look for patterns and
dare I say it
labels
to find understanding
but this process must work
in both directions
and words are the tools
that separates us
from the beasts.

Some reading I am doing at the moment
with a 'how to' type book
has made me realise
just how many of these techniques
I had already known
and actually been apply
from a very early age
but that had become
lost in the ether of my existance
and this realisation
has been incredibly eye opening
but not regretfully so
for a very, very nice change.

There are so many things
that I am trying to sort out
about who I am
versus who I was
and who I never was
and never will be
and in this process
I am pleasantly surprised
to find that some things that I had longed for
yet given up hope on
are actually still part of me.

That rediscovery
is inspiring
and something
that I know I can build on
and is key
to finding
my passion.

In Life

There are so many things
that I don't understand
least of which
is why the things I think
and the things I want
are so far away
from the life I live.

Each day
starts with such promise
and there is so much
that I want to do
and I feel so busy
yet so tired
right through to my bones
so even though
I feel like I never stop
I'm still not doing
the things that I want to do
and plan to do
and seem to see
others doing.

Expectation has a lot to answer for
and that is something
that I understand
and accept
but am still so painfully aware
of the incongruence
between my mind
and my existence.

Yet somehow
through the fog and calamity
I still feel hope
and that is something
that I hadn't felt
for such a long time
so when I feel it now
I am grateful.

I am also grateful
for the lessons I learn
and I know that
even those that I forget
stay with my subconscious
like the messages of my dreams
and build on the creation
that I was born to be
and to continue to develop into
and to fulfil my purpose in life.