I Should Be

It's not like
it's any surprise
that life
is constantly changing
but
more and more
I am realising
that I can do change
but can't do change as well.

It's not that I mind
that things change
it's just that I never seem
to be in the now
of any given change
so when the next change comes
I really hardly notice it
because I am still
focusing on
the previous state
in a feeble attempt
to be
wherever the Hell
it is that I should be.

Be Seen

So many things
going through my head
at the moment
but no productive actions
because I am either
existing in the past
or in the future
but never in the present
and therefore
never find myself doing
the things that are right
for my time.

Yes, I can acknowledge
that this is the thought pattern
of some individuals
who do extraordinary things
and while I sometimes feel
this is in my potential
it more usually feels
like it is so far removed
from my true existance
as I had never even been able
to dream it may have been.

Everything
seems just
out of my reach
and there is nothing
that I feel
is within
my actual capabilities
at the minute.

Still,
with my resent thoughts
on failure
I know more
to be true
that failure
only really occurs
when you give up
and
thankfully
I am not
giving up
and therefore
I am not failing.

How that evolves
remains to be seen.

Deserve That

Little pockets of anger
have become
my newest companions.

Perhaps it is because
I have denied them for so long.

Perhaps I have been blind.

Perhaps I didn't feel
like I was worthy
of getting upset over.

But now
it is invading
my sleep
as well as my waking moments.

I think you will feel
like I have abandoned you
rejected you
but the real problem is
I feel
abandoned and rejected
by you.

Family is a strange beast.

A strange beast indeed.

For people we know
and who we know
know us
and who our rational mind
tell us
that when we are apart
we do not need
one another
our subconscious
tells us
a completely
different
story.

Family
is who we are connected to
despite the reality
of who we are
and sometimes
when we feel
we cannot heal
the wounds of family
we know
in our heart of hearts
that we cannot escape them either.

Tonight
I sit in silent contemplation
and wish you well
as much as
I wish you wished me well.

I really think we both deserve that.