Inspiring Energy

Had a very wonderful experience at church on Sunday with music. Our musical guest was leading and I was excited from the moment I read the set list she sent through on Saturday. Five songs, which is not too unusual although four is more typical. Nothing amazing and one of the songs I'm not all that fond of but it fit in well.

Rehearsal before church was fairly normal, we started late and were a little pushed for time to practice all of the songs but all ok. There were quite a few new faces in the congregation, but we are still only little, perhaps 40 or so people including kids.

I love it when our musical guest leads, she has a beautiful voice and really interacts well. There were a few hiccups with the song words as one of the kids was in charge of that and probably needed a little more guidance but from the start everyone just seemed really present. I didn't have a foldback speaker so couldn't hear the full sound we were making but it was one of the few times I have been able to hear the singing from the congregation; everyone was just really into it. We did three fairly up beat songs to start and then there were announcements and the kids were released to happy land whereas they usually stay for all of the songs, which I think is a bit too long. The next two songs were slower, more powerful songs and it was so moving to feel the energy in the room. At one point I looked out and absolutely everyone had their eyes closed and were all singing, most with faces and hands upturned. I became a little overwhelmed a couple of times and found it difficult to keep singing!

After the service, everyone seemed to still be buzzing and we actually had a few compliments, which is probably more because of the new people but it was so nice as some weeks it just seems like we are going through the motions and it is rare for people to give feedback. Also, the pastor has a bit of a bugbear about people not looking at church as a thing to get something out of but rather a thing to make a contribution to, which is fine to a point but he seems to put it in too black and white terms and his examples include not thinking about what you do and don't like but for me that is fine as long as there is a balance and it is a two way street. Anyway, not wanting to go on about that but just wanting to say that the music was fantastic and it was awesome to feel that beautiful and inspiring energy.

Lack of Concentration

Nearly another 12 hour sleep last night. Reality seems very fluid at the moment. Seeing more and more of the alternate life that I first glimpsed a few days ago and I want it but I don't want it at the same time. Further hurtful communications from my younger sister; I'm the horrible one, apparently, and I'm sure that's true to a point but I'm having difficultly working out exactly where that point is. With everyone, really.

Lots of dreams last night. I remember more of them than I've remembered on other nights recently. Getting jobs writing documents for a child care centre; parking my car near the beach and leaving my bag in a florists; organising money; trying to find a lost message from a dead friend and re-living memories of that time.

Am still sorting through things. Day by day things become clearer and I feel more awakened but still powerless to change anything because most good change happens slowly and I am impatient and lack concentration.

What Tomorrow Brings

Yesterday morning I got through to 7am when the smiley monster climbed into my bed and still couldn't remember any of my dreams but then I drifted off and in that short 10 mins or so I had a terrible, terrible dream and the horror of it stayed with me for hours.

School holidays is not my favourite time. I fear it shows me up as a terrible mum because I don't really like to spend hours on end giving my children all of my attention. Don't get me wrong, we do stuff, and I am grateful to be home for them and have their friends over and things, I just feel like they demand more of me than I have to give most of the time.

On top of all this, I have received a few upsetting messages from my younger sister. I've been in self-defence mode with her for a while because I opened up to her at at extremely delicate time and I feel that she just used me so rather than tell her how I felt, which I have done in the past and as I don't feel she takes responsibility for her actions, neither of us end up any better off. But this last time was a really serious issue, or rather, two very serious issues, and I don't want to be in that situation again so i've just taken a step back. But she has decided to "fix" the problem my sending me messages that have been pretty offensive. I refrained from saying exactly what I was thinking in the first one but her second message was worse so I have opted for a more direct approach. I know it won't make any difference though. She has no concept of responsibility and is completely happy that way so will never understand that I have commitments and responsibilities and I make choices for people other than myself sometimes. Yep, it's not always fair, but that's life, isn't it.

Last night I slept for almost 12 hours and still don't feel much better for it. Let's see what tomorrow brings, hey?