Born To Do

How many times do we re-invent ourselves?

I don't mean in terms of reincarnation
just in our present lives

Mostly it is subtle
At least for the casual observer
Even if for us it flows from a resolution so strong that it over takes our whole being

Sometimes it is a Tower moment
Huge and sudden change
Sometimes physical, such as an accident
Sometimes environmental, such as losing our job or having someone new take a sudden and necessarily ongoing leap into our lives
Sometimes it is emotional, such as how we feel in response to a traumatic event

And we just decide
We need to change

But what I'm thinking about at the minute is the former
The subtle change
The change that sometimes creeps up on us
That weaves it's magic in and around our lives
Without us realising
Such as when we start to develop responsibility
Or we take on a new role, like as a parent

Then we look in the mirror one day
And realise that it has been so long since we laughed
Or did something
Or did nothing

And that's when we notice the change

And for a moment we want our old selves back
Are ready to demand our return
Take no prisoners - I want myself back

Perhaps its the lines on our faces
Or the increased level of self-maintenance
Or the loss of tone in our skin and our muscles

Perhaps its the scars
from little cuts and scratches
or bumps and breaks
or horrendous heart aches

And we cry out things like, "This is not what I signed up for"
"This is not what I wanted"

Then we ask ourselves, "Well, what did I want"
And we stumble over the answer
And start listing things that we didn't want
But that wasn't the question

Which is the first clue
To what we need to do
In order to turn in the direction we need to turn

And we can lament, and rue and regret
But we can't change the past
And allowing ourselves to dwell there, in the past,
Is confirmation that we still haven't learnt anything
Nothing at all

Or, we can accept the lessons
Acknowledge time as an abstract concept
And value unmeasured moments only
The here
The now
And make each one count

That is how we start to make those changes
The repeated actions
The become habits
And create the basis for our characters

So that one day
Many moments hence
We again look in the mirror
And realise that we laugh more again now
But not as much as we would like
And we do things now
But still sometimes find it hard to get motivated
And sometimes, just sometimes, we get to do nothing
We can relax
In a way that we choose

And we realise that there has been a change
But not as much of a change as to make us completely satisfied
(which would probably be the worst of fates)

And this time
The period of resentment subsides much quicker
And we move on to the reassessing stage
And when we look back this time
It is to compare what we now have
With our actual defined points from last time
And we can see
What we need to do

So we reinvent ourselves again
Subtly
With more of those repeated actions
That become habits
And that create the basis for our character

Yes, reinvention, even of the wheel, can sometimes be a wonderful thing
Change does not require fear
But fear requires change

So, let us run towards our fears
In order to change ourselves
Because that is what we were born to do

More Each Day

Another day, another dollar.

Although I just checked my bank account and there is exactly the same amount there as yesterday.

I wonder whose getting all these dollars each new day because it certainly isn't me.

But I do have cute kids.

Although I wouldn't want another kids each day. That would be just too much.

And I was pretty distraught yesterday afternoon with the school, day care, martial arts, dinner, scouts run.

And perhaps I was heard to utter the words, "I'm not cut out for this home-mum business".

But a good nights sleep has done wonders.

Even though I woke up feeling like I could easily catch another 8 hours worth of z's.

Today is getting two kids to school then a swimming lesson with another as the mandatory items on the list. I should also do a grocery shop, which I am kicking myself for not better planning the timing of this need so it now falls on a day when I have a child at home.

At least it's only one child, but it is the youngest and the most difficult.

But he's still cute.

He's standing here now telling me all about Star Wars xBox, which is his current favourite passion and has been for about a year.

Now he has climbed back up to the bench and there is hope that he will actually finish his breakfast.

Sometimes I miss not having a "real" job. I miss the challenges, I miss the interactions, I miss the excitement, the achieving of goals, the stress (I do kinda like the thrill of the stress a bit).

But if I have to miss that or seeing my wonderous children develop each day then I know what I'd rather.

Still, it'd be nice to never have to worry about money.

But the more you have, the more you spend.

And we're doing ok. We are paying our mortgage, the bills are under control, the kids are at a great school, we have food (when I can get off my butt and go out and buy some), the kids do lots of extra activities, I have my own things I do, we have clothes on our backs.

It's all pretty good and I count my blessings for all of these things and more each day.

I'm Sure

Saturday came and went, and so did Sunday, but I liked Sunday much better. Not that Saturday was bad, it was quite good in fact, but Sunday was much better because it included a small gathering of my family to help celebreate my birthday.

My friend, the Tea Lady (who is as good as family) arrived early and I was so grateful. She helped me with the last of the preparations and I was all 100% ready by the time the first guests arrived. The Starchild was an awesome help and did absolutely everything that I needed done in terms of setting up and blowing up balloons and fetching the last few things from the shops that needed to be fresh that morning for lunch.

My father and his wife were the next to arrive. I had just gone upstairs to get dressed for the party when I heard their car pull into the drive. The next thing that happened was one of the candle holders on top of the TV in my room fell to the floor. Weird? A little. Even more weird was two minutes later a picture board in my ensuite fell off the wall. Needless to say I thought that was a pretty bad omen.

My father doesn't like to travel much these days and his wife is still trying to enforce the fact that he has a new family and they take precedent over his old family (a story everyone but her is over all these 20 or so years later) so I was exceptionally surprised when he told me he was planning on coming.

Of course, there were the usual games. He determined he would need three days in order to secure a successful outcome. Step 1 was to delete my email inviting them here. Step 2 was to suck up to his wife in order to be completely in her good books. Step 3 was to surreptitiously contact me to request I send the invitation again but as if I was sending for the first time. Step 4 was to act pleasantly surprised on the receipt of my invitation. Step 5 was to express a desire to attend (yes, this is a whole step in itself). Step 6 was to suggest alternate options and means for him or for them both (including the dog) to attend so that she could decide what they would be doing. Step 7 was to stay out of shit between then and the party. Step 8 was to get here. Everything with my father has an eight point plan. And you can see why I was worried about the things spontaneously falling when they arrived.

But they had a really good time and my step-mum really seemed to enjoy herself. From the eight point plan you would think that she was a terribly, horrible person and she has been from time to time but I'm sure some of conditions are exaggerated in my father's mind and my step-mum can be very lovely and very nice to have around. Sometimes.

Next to arrive were my in-laws, shortly followed by my sister-in-law and her partner and then my older sister and her family. All up, there were 20 of us and it was really lovely. I did not invite my older brother and while it hurts my heart not to even want to invite him, I really do think it is for the best. My mother couldn't come because my step-dad is sick with a heart complaint. He had an exploratory procedure done on Tuesday but they didn't find anything so that means more pain and more tests so I'm praying for his good health to return soon and for great wisdom for his medical team. It was so weird not having mum here, which is another reason that I was really grateful when the Tea Lady arrived early as she helped fill that gap.

My step-daughter and her husband were both working so they weren't able to come and my step son is in Nowra and had a commitment he couldn't get out of so he couldn't come either.

My younger sister and brother didn't come. They both acknowledged the invitation but didn't confirm so I gathered when they didn't turn up that they weren't coming. Overall, I consider all of my family to be very lame when it comes to actually being a family and I think that having lost patience with that fact and expressing it late last year did encourage some more of my family to make the effort. I can understand that they couldn't make it but it still really pisses me off that they couldn't even let me know and they didn't ring or anything on my actual birthday either, which was on Tuesday. I ask The Starchild what he thinks about me telling them that and he says that it's not worth the upset and it won't change anything. I ask the Tea Lady the same question and she says, "You tell 'em, sister!".

Otherwise the day was excellent. The food was good - I love catering (read: over-catering) and everyone indulged me in my request for a round the table expressions of gratitude when we sat down to eat. Everyone ended up staying much longer than planned and I was even more grateful when The Starchild pointed out to me that, with the exception of my in-laws, everyone had driven a minimum of 200kms to be there.

This is a much longer post than I intended. There are lots of other things going on in my head (aren't there always) but I'm still sorting through them and I don't think I'm quite ready to flesh them out in blog land. The time will come soon though, I'm sure.