That I Do

Have a "feeling" day today
where I am just coming out
and saying what I feel.

Look out world;
this is never a pretty process.

Everything from selfish, bullying drivers
to lovely, aging ladies who are trying to lead others in outdated and useless processes
are the focus of my verbalisations at the moment.

This is not to say that I am walking around abusing people
no, that is not what I do
but certainly biting my tongue is not what I do today either
not bowing graciously in silence when precious time and effort
is wasted when it could be much better utilised
through simple communication
and organisation.

So, that is me today
and it kind of feels good to feel
but I do realise
that I have a tendency to upset the apple cart at these times
and that when I feel I have been playing a role
that isn't me and I get to the whole crucible stage
rather than managing things step by step as they occur
then I'm really no fun at all for anyone else.

The other thing
perhaps separate
perhaps very much related
is that I have not slept well the last few nights
but without normal reason or cause
and have been very disconcerted
by the many, many energies around me
to the point where this morning
a voice woke me up
she told me "something"
just one or two words
and I think she counted to three
or was it from three to one?
and it wasn't like it was a dream
and it didn't feel like I was in a hypergognic state
it felt like she was standing next to the bed
actually saying whatever it was she said
and it wasn't worrying
if anything I had a sense of an explanation
like what she said made sense
and the problems sleeping made sense
but now I can't remember what she said.

So I have been very carefully and diligently
cleansing the energy around me
and creating a layer of protection around me
but am still feeling
penetrated
so maybe I'm meant to be feel more
maybe that's what this is about.

Oh, who knows
I'm just going to have to
work with it
day by day
and seek progress
in all that I do.

Sleep

Slowly backing away
but not sure why
I seem to have slipped
and am seeking
the same destructions
and today I have found
that I have double-booked
which I hate doing
as the best of times
but particularly on this occassion
as one appointment is very much overdue
and is one that has been trying to happen
again and again
but which can only be scheduled
in the narrowest of windows
and even then
has needed to have been
rescheduled so many times already
and now here I am
having to reschedule again
because the other appointment
is unavoidably necessary.

I've felt the energy changing
so much lately
swinging back and forth
like a pendulum on speed
and I seem to be
stuck to the pendulum
and swinging back and forth, too
only the pendulum
lives in Dorothy's Aunt Em's house
and is caught up in the magical tornado
that spins between the worlds.

Yes, that's where I feel like I am at the moment -
in a tornado between the worlds.

And there's no fairy dust in this tornado
and all I want to do is sleep.

To Be Again

A thousand years ago today
or was it a thousand and two?
I closed the lid
on a box I keep
and hid it from sight
until its memory slipped
beyond my consciousness
through my dreams
and wallowed in the pool
of never to be thought of.

As the days passed
and the moons waxed and waned
a hundred new lifetimes were born
and in each one
there was a need for the box
but the lid remained closed
for reasons as unknown
as the memories of the contents became.

Now I find
I am not only ready
but I am actively choosing
to explore those reasons
and through the steps I am taking
I am finding my strength
to face my demons
and without ever planning
or realising
or hoping to dream
about this forgotten box
the lid has suddenly and silently
been lifted
and there is has gifted me
with a beautiful and completely serendipitous experience
of remembering a little of the contents of that box
and while it is very much in need of a spring clean
it contains exactly what I need right now
and while it was with me all along
I was not ready
to open it
for I was
building my experiences
that will serve me in the next phase
but first
it really is time
to face those demons
and get the rest of the lid of that box
opened
and aired out
and dusted off
and cleaned up
for in that box
is who I really am
and who I am ready
to be again.