Friday, October 30, 2009

For Sure

Is time going by faster than normal for anyone else?

I wanted to get a job riding horses but it didn't happen. I've sent a few enquiries to a few places but I'm not holding my breath. But don't worry - there's always a Plan B (or Plan C in this case). We have a friend who has a horse and I'm going to ask her if I can ride with her. Being paid to do it would be wonderful but the main thing is that I just want to ride. It would be nice if everything we wanted just fell in our laps but that isn't the way the world works so when you want something you just have to go out and make it happen - and there's some free advice that you can take all the way to the bank!

In other news, it's going to be another busy weekend: dancing photos tomorrow morning, then driving to Sydney for a Wedding rehearsal and supposedly getting the wedding present then our church is relocating on Sunday and there is a set up and music practice at 5pm. I can't see how it will all happen and I'm thinking of skipping the Wedding rehearsal. I don't want to go anyway as I know I will cry. It's a long story but due to the different traditions there are a number of compromises that have been made for the ceremony. Apparently for Coptic Orthodox it is traditional for the parents to walk down the isle at the start of the ceremony but Virgo Nurse was adamant that she wanted The Starchild to give her away (which is our tradition) that means that I could either walk down the isle by myself, with my step-son or not at all. I said I'd do whatever Virgo Nurse preferred but she was entirely non-plussed so I've said out of the three options I'd prefer to just be seated at the front rather than having to walk down. That's not the part that will make me cry though. It will be having to watch her birth mother and her partner walk down the isle and to see them in this position of honour in front of everyone when the reality is that she hasn't been much of a mother. She has made so little effort often not even bothering to turn up to access visits, has never paid a cent of maintenance, has given broken and sometimes even stolen gifts for presents, has openly prioritised going to the club over spending time, money and effort on her children, has subjected them to the verbal and physical abuse from her partner and that's why I'm going to cry. I never tried to be a mother and I made so many mistakes myself as well but I was the one who was there and I know that they know that in their hearts but there just isn't a way to have both traditions work. The Starchild offered to walk down with me and then walk out again and to walk down with the Virgo Nurse but that would be as ridiculous and uncomfortable as the other options. There's just no nice way to do it and I'm just going to have to bear is as I have had to bear all of the other insults and heartbreaks that have come with being a step-mum but if I have to do it then I'd prefer to only go through it once.

There's more on my mind and in my heart at the moment but I don't think I can go through it all now. I had a bit of a bad day yesterday and am worried but still seem to have a fighting spirit somewhere inside of me that all of the voices don't seem to have been able to scare away yet. I'm feeling raw and increasingly unmotivated (if that's even possible) but I'll take things one step at a time because I know that as long as I keep moving then I will be making progress. There's a lot of things that I don't know and even more that I thought I knew but have been questioning lately but the thing about keeping moving is something I do know for sure.


Natalie said...

I think I would do as you are going to do...sit down the front. It is a bitter pill to swallow for sure. xx

Jewell said...

sending love xxx and hugs to you