Again Now

Mixed messages
from the universe.

How unusual.

How to sort out
what I'm thinking
and what I'm feeling
and know
how to move through each day
working towards
living a purposeful existence?

How to find the time
and the inspiration
and the motivation?

Do these things even exist?

I'm beginning to doubt
that there was ever a time
when these things were
part of me
part of my life
so how can I expect
to find them again now?

Don't

Standing on the outside
not even bothering
to look very far in
because I don't like what I see.

That is me today.

It's hard to look in
because looking in
reinforces the fact
that I am on the outside
and I have no idea
why I'm here
and not in there
although there is a level of belief
that tells me
this is partly my own doing
and partly my own destiny
so on that logic
it is not you
who does not let me in
it is not you
who makes me feel like I do not belong
it is not you
who excludes
it is just who I am
and who I am meant to be
on the path I am meant to walk.

Do I like it?
Am I happy about it?
Would this be what I chose for myself
if I felt I actually had a choice?

No, not at all.

But what else can I do?
Do I want to struggle?
Do I want to feel
like I am constantly battling against myself
and the universe?

When I barely have the strength
or the fortitude
or resilience
to fight the daily fight of existence
how could I possibly believe
I have the energy
to fight such other enormous forces?

And to that
the answer is simple:
I don't.

Purposeful Life

Always a million things
circling around
in the limitless limits
of my cranial cavity
bumping into one another
or travelling their merry path unhindered
such is the existence
of each solitudinous thought.

Today seem an abundance
of active thoughts
of thoughts about thoughts taking a back seat to deeds
and yes, indeed, there are many deeds, of which I am thinking today.

So many plans
so many things to do
teetering on overwhelm
but somehow controlled
because somehow seeming
more possible today
than other day
that are otherwise identical
other than the ability to work with overwhelm
rather than be engulfed by it.

Something I have decided lately
is that while I long for a more simple life
of things being easier
with less to do
this is not what I want at all
because it is these things
that make me feel alive
and that give me a passion for life
and for living
and the inspiration and drive
to continue each day
and to seek out a purposeful existence
and that is the way I want to live.

As much I am not really doing
crazy, overwhelming, ridiculously busy life
I don't think I could do
simple, easy, routine and boring life either.

What I need to be working towards
is not simplicity
although that works well for some
for me it is my fate
to be busy
and to learn that planned down time
is not laziness
and that relaxation
can also be purposeful
but most of all
I seek to live a full
and busy
and purposeful life.