Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Dreams

I've been very active in my dreams in the last four nights but the first two of these were the most intense. The other two have already all but faded from memory, so I will go back to the dream I had in the first of this lucid series.

In my dream I was reading the paper (which I make a habit not to do) and there was a story about a man having been sentenced to death by lethal injection. On reading the story I found that the man was a guy I used to go out with. I'll call him Leroy Brown for the sake of this entry. I was a bit shocked to read the article and there was an explanation of what he had done to be handed such a sentence, but I can't remember that any more.

The next thing I knew, I was with this Leroy Brown in my dream. He was wearing a white tunic thing like you wear in hospitals and he told me that he found a way to make the lethal injection not work straight away. He told me that it made him look like he was dead and the doctor has duly pronounced him so with the absence of any vital signs, but he had an arrangement with the porter and had woken and walked out of the hospital so he could come and see me.

Even in the dream I hadn't seen him for years, literally a lifetime between then and now. There was a very important reason that he had to come and see me and he explained it to me but it has also faded and the only recollection I have of that time of the dream is how he just wanted to be with me. How I had broken his heart and how he had toughened himself on the outside but how what he wanted more than anything else on his death bed was to just hold my hand again. Such romanticism was never a part of our reality but it quickly allayed the fears I'd had in my dreams of a walking love-zombie come back from the brink of death to spend his final hours with me. Insert ghoulish laughter here, I guess.

So, we spent time together and he explained what had happened as to why he had been sentenced to death, and it was fair and he wasn't trying to escape his punishment, only wanting to put it off for a few hours. I guess he must have kidnapped me in a sense but I ended up being a willing companion, but it was purely platonic, as they say. As a married woman or otherwise, snogging a zombie was beyond my personal boundaries of acceptable behaviour it would seem.

At the end of the dream it was very sad. There was some witch-doctor voice-over explaining how to tell me the secret of how he had postponed his death but it became very graphic with dismembered midsections being required to extract the antidote to the poison and there was a sense of futility as the only way to get the required midsection was from another victim of the same fate and thereby of no use as it was also poisoned.

Very weird.

The next night I had my usual recurring dream of betrayal in love. These dreams usually start around the time that I find out The Starchild has been unfaithful. There is usually a denial of "the facts" and then a full confession. At first I am numb and feeling like I will just have to accept it and then the anger sets in. I start to yell and flail my arms at him and he takes it because he deserves it but it doesn't change "the facts". I ask for details of who and where and when and eventually am told and it doesn't help my broken heart.

My screaming in my dream wakes me up and I am so surprised that I am not really screaming and am so convinced that I should be screaming that for a moment I almost will myself to lash out in wakefulness and continue my vocal anguish. Then I realise it was just a dream. And I tell myself that no matter how convincing my dream was, and no matter how many times I have different variations of the same theme, and no matter how plausible it might be, it just doesn't add up by the light of day.

I've worked out in the past that I often dream these dreams when I subconsciously feel The Starchild is neglecting me for the Virgo Nurse and the nine live cat with clipped wings. It was quite comforting to have drawn this conclusion. But that is definitely not how I am feeling now. So I am confused. And I even had questions on the tip of my tongue to ask. He gets up so early and is so clouded by sleep himself. I told him I had a bad dream and he said "I'm sorry" and I almost started screaming again for real then, but he couldn't have been sorry for the content of my dreams as he didn't know what they were. And I don't tell him about them anymore as I think it is unfair and insulting. He works so bloody hard and my stupid unconscious wants to torture me into thinking I am being neglected and betrayed in the worst way. Pffh to that, I say.

The next nights dream was about a market stall in the streets, I've had that one before as well. But I can't remember any more. And there is nothing about last nights one at all that I remember. I might be coming out of the lucid dream phase. It was over the new moon so I'll keep an eye on that.

Nothing else to report except that I'm feeling divine and like I will shine in 2009!

New Years Resolutions

Well, mayhaps not actual resolutions, am thinking more like buzz words as they're a little airy-fairy to be concrete goals or rules or whatever "resolutions" are supposed to be. I've had a million and one affirmations floating through my head but for the most part the words are:

* Organisation - I am an organised person professionally but as my personal life and my professional life are becoming inextricably intertwined, I need to practice living an organised life in a broader sense. Applying organisation - that's what 2009 needs to be about for me.

* Willpower - I can't say that I will never allow my willpower to falter but I will focus on building it up - the word power is there for a reason and I intend to increase that power and have a stronger resolve of my will. I'm bloody stubborn enough so I'm really doing myself an injustice not to practice being stubborn in terms of my willpower as well, me thinks.

* Expression - I've been doing more crafty things in the last year and I've really enjoyed it so I am making a conscious decision to invest in the aspect of me more this year. Oh, it's 11.11pm - what a wonderful time - I must be on the right track for that the be the time when I am writing this!

* Magic - I will also look for practical applications of magic - whether it is in meditation and mindfulness or in manifestation or in spell craft, it will all be part of my life in 2009. I am feeling a great ability to fulfill the obligations I have chosen and am very excited that this is part of me creating my future.

As I say, there are more things I will be making part of my life in 2009, but to practice organisation, willpower, expression and magic are key to the path I chose to take in 2009.

And Then Now

I wrote this poem in April 2008, at the commencement of my YAAD studies, but when transferring it into my BOS last night I thought it would be a nice poem to dedicate to you all for the passing of 2008 and the welcoming of 2009. It was originally entitled 'Where Bryn Begins' but I was fascinated by the last line of each stanza and so it was renamed for this publication...

AND THEN NOW…

Merry meet my merry eyes
that glance upon your face;
Merry meet my merry feet
that dance upon this place;
Merry meet my merry arms
that mirror you embrace;
And merry meet my merry lips
that nearer draw in space.

Merry meet me in the north
that lights the fire within;
Merry meet me in the west
that delights the earthen kin;
Merry meet me in the south
the air that warms my skin;
Then merry meet me in the east
where waters ends begin.

Merry meet my merry words
that memory retain;
Merry meet my merry heart
that ever will remain;
Merry meet our merry paths
that love and light contain;
Now merry meet and merry part
‘til we merry meet again.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

The Manifestation Mobile

After much cable-rearranging and de-dust-bunnying, I have successfully set up our new DVD player in the bedroom. If things go well for us this year, I would like to have a new telly, power point and aerial outlet installed as well. And while I'm on the wishful-thinking wagon - or should that be the manifestation mobile? - I'm about ready for new bedroom furniture as well: New bed (just the surround, I'm happy with our mattress), new side tables, new set of main drawers and a floating shelf for the DVD and video player.

Perfect Day and Beyond

This year was definitely the best Christmas ever. I didn't want it to end but if that had been the case then I wouldn't have had all of the other wonderful days since.

Christmas eve ended up being organised, despite my subconscious determination to do nothing. The Starchild made it down to visit the nine live cat with clipped wings and back without incident. He didn't end up having to do any other shopping and dropped Sister C at the outlaws on the way back home. The Virgo Nurse also finally made it here ok, despite a bit of traffic, and it was wonderful to have even one little addition to the zoo on Christmas night.

I woke around quarter to seven, had a shower and gathered the widdies for breakfast in preparation for an 8am arrival of the outlaws and Sister C. We all opened our Christmas presents together and despite being a one income family of five plus pets, thanks due mostly to the outlaws, there were loads of presents for the kids and absolutely everyone was exceptionally pleased with all of their gifts. The Bear and The Republic of K-land arrived just before 10 so there were more gifts and then preparations commenced in the kitchen. Big thanks to the Bear, who was invaluable and greatly appreciated, even though she tried to get out of helping by slicing her finger quite badly.

Blister in the San and Clan got very held up by traffic but arrived in the early afternoon, so there were more presents and then lunch! We had two tables end to end and a bench full of kids to accommodate everyone and it was just wonderful - so reminiscent of Christmas lunches as a kids on the Bear's side of the family.

The Starchild spent the bulk of the day assembling the smiley monster's new bike, then the trampoline and then starting on the swing set. He maintains that I was a big help, although I'm sure my biggest contribution was just in moral support at the right times (and at the right times only - tough gig but years of practice has greatly aided my judgment in these matters). We still have a fair bit of work to do in the yard but it is very cool having so many things for the kids to play with. We should probably have it all completed in time for the grandkiddies to enjoy *lol*

Everyone trickledfed out in the later afternoon with Blister in the San and her clan the last to leave. Spent some quality time with her and each of her kids and was very sad to see them go.

Other than that I have been very, very happy and cruisey and we finally have all of the toys away (although still some present wrapping remnants in our room) and better still even have all of the clothes folded and put away. Am turning my thoughts to 2009 but am feeling more open than decided on what I will / will not make the year into. We went to church today for the first time in months and it was good, although I found the sermon very objectionable on a personal level in regards to black and white dictatorial concepts of what opinions are and aren't acceptable in terms of enjoying church, including rehashes of the exact same items that were causing me concern on the last few times I was there. The idea that the only way to find oneself is through unconditional self-sacrifice is very unbalanced to my mind and the spiel about self-help being the wrong focus for life and ultimately harmful to the world, well, I just don't truck with that. It gave me a few thoughts for actions but I'll pray / meditate (substitute appropriate term depending on religious beliefs of audience - hmmm, I'm increasingly revisiting the peace I had with that and thinking I need to find equilibrium there again) on it and see how I feel after that. There were still some good messages about trials and how they can strengthen us or weaken us, and the quote was from the book of James so that was fairly pointed and got my (and The Starchild's) attention. Keeping an open mind, I guess.

No plans for New Years Eve yet. I've been strangely out of communication at the moment - not doing emails, text messages, or blogs, for a few days. Not sure where that is coming from but it seems to be necessary so I'll let it run it's course.

Overall, I'm really happy and contented. I love this time of year with the potential that the upcoming year promises and am feeling very blessed with my life at the moment, even though I still clearly have much to work on.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Who's Next?

OK, still haven't found any motivation yet - but think it's about to burst forth. Didn't get a proper nap, thought I'd sort the clothes into Piles of Ownership while watching Elf on DVD - Will Ferrell is so much fun to watch in that movie. Anyway, then I got caught up watching it and wasn't falling asleep so turned it off but only dozed very, very lightly until it became annoying and I decided to keep watching Elf.

Now, it's a Red Bull with a shot of vodka, the vacuum is going, the bins are being emptied, the Kman's camp paperwork is being sent and the kitchen is starting to look wary as it has the feeling it's next.

Bounce, Bounce, Bounce

Had an unexpected trip to the shops this morning as one of the pressies for Binn's clan broke three seconds after opening :-(

It was really busy when we got there about 9-ish but much more settled when we left an hour and a half later. I picked up the replacement gift - but not the same as there were none left so I had to put the thinking cap back on for another idea - and also knocked over a few items that were on The Starchild's list. Had two widdies with me and they were rewarded with thick shakes and donuts that they didn't finish so I had to help out with - the donuts were fresh and soooo yummy!

The main present for the outlaws is now purchased - Flight Centre GV to add to Sister C and the Virgo Nurse's purchased of the same. What else do you get people in their seventies who deserve the best of everything but don't really need anything?

The Starchild is on his way to Sydney to visit the nine live cat with clipped wings (which I have waiting on hold for half an hour on an STD call to confirm is still on after recent cancellations) and will bring Sister C back up with him. The Virgo Nurse will be coming up after work as well. I really hope the traffic won't be heavy and that they all have a good run back home. The Starchild is planning on one more trip to the shops and will then be back home - and no work for him until the new year - whoo hoo x 2425157412452 and then some. I usually have to create human life for him to have time off work and then he usually goes back as soon as I am home from hospital. I am so looking forward to us all spending time together as a family, even if it is just for a short time.

Am starting to think about New Years Resolutions. I usually make them as I love any chance to set goals, although I don't usually like to wait to start them once I decide on them. Nothing revolutionary is coming to mind, although making a go of our own business is a bit of a step. I'm gonna need a lot of focus as self-direction is not really my strong point.

Am also thinking about a nap, then getting stuck into things. I'm much more active as the day wears on and will have more energy after a nap. The world at this time of year is such a mixture of extreme emotions and I am feeling a bit at a loss as to where I'm at. I am quite cruisey in general still and sort of excited but still a bit flat it seems. I'm sure as the house starts to fill up with people I will be a bit more bouncy.

Hi-ho, Hi-ho

Starting the day on Christmas Eve. Stayed up way too late last night, wrapping presents with The Starchild until I was a zombie. He does the no sleep thing so well. Then a shower together and wonderful love making. We've been together so long you'd think it would be boring by now; but no - it's still wonderful. Stayed awake through Dirty Sexy Money - starting a show at 11.30pm is just ridiculous. We only had a few more presents to get and The Starchild has "volunteered" to get them.

We've agreed to not getting each other much this year, but with him at the shops at the last minute he's sure to break his end of the deal. He knows I love surprises. There are some things I know I'm getting, like the latest Stephen King book. He's also spend more money at JB Hi Fi than he's talked about in gifts so that will be a good thing. I did drop a hint about a particular CD but we'll see if that's what I end up with. I'm always really happy with his choices for me from there anyway.

We have less things for the widdies this year, but only marginally. The outlaws spent heaps and they are coming up to open the presents so that it will be a big, happy Christmas morning. We also have the trampoline and swing set so that will be great! I can't wait either. I've somehow managed to hurt my right wrist last night so I'm really looking forward to finding out what damage I'll do to myself on a trampoline.

My mission today, if I chose to accept it, is to get all of the clothes folded and put away and to finish cleaning the house. I'm feeling better today so it's entirely possible that I will succeed. So, hi-ho, hi-ho, it's off to what I am reduced to calling work even though it's a personally completely unstimulating exercise, I go!

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Almost There

Yes, only two sleeps till Christmas, and despite having "all the time in the world" on my hands, I still don't feel prepared. I have no idea who I have shopped for and who I haven't. I was planning on going through it all tonight however The Starchild took a job down to the Central Coast and is still not home and after starting his day at 2am, me think he will be of absolutely no help at all. To make it all worse, all of the presents are in our room so I will undoubtedly be a right royal pain in the proverbial trying to make up for lost time in getting organised.

On a positive, the food and drinks are all under control. Did a grocery shop today and identified before even unloading the bags the things I would need to nip out for at the last minute so went and did that as well. Dropped pressies that we bought on behalf of the outlaws down to them to wrap. Had our musical guest and miss curlz and also he whose name is not what he is called, which was a very nice addition. Have half-organised a meal with them between xmas and new year. Must write that down somewhere.

Have just about every article of clothing out of the draws, worn, washed, dried and sitting on lounges waiting to start the cycle again. Being ahead on the washing, as the tea lady likes to think of it, does not make it any easier to get through. Was another thing I had planned to do. Had two sick kids on Sunday and Monday then I was a little sick on Sunday, very sick on Monday and recovering today. Hopefully the last one will remain unaffected.

Well, better get on with dinner, showers and bed for some and more work for me. I am actually very happy - I just wish I had more energy with which to be happy with!

Saturday, December 20, 2008

The Twelve Days of Litha

I thought I'd try my hand at a little adaptation so we could have a "Christmas" song for the southern hemisphere pagans. I searched the net and couldn't find anything similar but I'm sure something like it has been done somewhere along the lines. So, here it is: The Twelve Days of Litha...

On the first day of Litha the Goddess gave to me,
~ The longest day of the year.

On the second day of Litha the Goddess gave to me,
~ Two deities,
~ And the longest day of the year.

On the third day of Litha the Goddess gave to me,
~ The Threefold law,
~ Two deities,
~ And the longest day of the year.

On the forth day of Litha the Goddess gave to me,
~ Four elements,
~ The Threefold law,
~ Two deities,
~ And the longest day of the year.

On the fifth day of Litha the Goddess gave to me,
~ A five pointed star,
~ Four elements,
~ The Threefold law,
~ Two deities,
~ And the longest day of the year.

On the sixth day of Litha the Goddess gave to me,
~ Six pendulums,
~ A five pointed star,
~ Four elements,
~ The Threefold law,
~ Two deities,
~ And the longest day of the year.

On the seventh day of Litha the Goddess gave to me,
~ Seven major chakras,
~ Six pendulums,
~ A five pointed star,
~ Four elements,
~ The Threefold law,
~ Two deities,
~ And the longest day of the year.

On the eighth day of Litha the Goddess gave to me,
~ Eight solar sabbats,
~ Seven major chakras,
~ Six pendulums,
~ A five pointed star,
~ Four elements,
~ The Threefold law,
~ Two deities,
~ And the longest day of the year.

On the ninth day of Litha the Goddess gave to me,
~ Nine fairies dancing,
~ Eight solar sabbats,
~ Seven major chakras,
~ Six pendulums,
~ A five pointed star,
~ Four elements,
~ The Threefold law,
~ Two deities,
~ And the longest day of the year.

On the tenth day of Litha the Goddess gave to me,
~ Ten divinations,
~ Nine fairies dancing,
~ Eight solar sabbats,
~ Seven major chakras,
~ Six pendulums,
~ A five pointed star,
~ Four elements,
~ The Threefold law,
~ Two deities,
~ And the longest day of the year.

On the eleventh day of Litha the Goddess gave to me,
~ Eleven magic herbs,
~ Ten divinations,
~ Nine fairies dancing,
~ Eight solar sabbats,
~ Seven major chakras,
~ Six pendulums,
~ A five pointed star,
~ Four elements,
~ The Threefold law,
~ Two deities,
~ And the longest day of the year.

On the twelfth day of Litha the Goddess gave to me
~ Twelve lighted candles,
~ Eleven magic herbs,
~ Ten divinations,
~ Nine fairies dancing,
~ Eight solar sabbats,
~ Seven major chakras,
~ Six pendulums,
~ A five pointed star,
~ Four elements,
~ The Threefold law,
~ Two deities,
~ And the longest day of the year.

To Sleep: Perchance To Dream

Very weird four-part dream, last night. Details are fading already but will try to capture what I can here.

I went to an office which was meant to be the last place I didn't get the job at but the location and everything physically about it was different. I had some papers for the ladies there and there was a new employee at the front desk. I was trying to work out if she was the one that got the job over me. She looked professional from a far but as I got closer to her and watched how she was dealing with people coming in and out (there were some other interviews for a junior position being held) she looked like she was overwhelmed. When I got to her I told her I had papers to drop off and she was really lovely, but clearly not coping. I was trying to delicately find out what her position was to see if it was the one that I had applied for but she didn't even know what her job title was. I felt that perhaps I had missed out on the job because they couldn't afford the money I was asking and that was ok. I also had the hope that they would end up ringing me back to make me an offer as things weren't working out.

When I left, I saw a girl I used to work with, who, for the purpose of this blog, will be referred to as Poison Ivy. She was in the car park with about four or so of her friends, they were laughing and having fun as girls of their age should. She saw me but looked away quickly, but I said Hi. She said something nasty and then one of her friends started to abuse me. I actually felt a bit worried so I got into the car and was trying to lock the doors but the central locking button was weird and then I realised that I was in The Starchild's truck. I remember thinking that this person didn't even know me and from what she was saying she had been told all sorts of things that never happened. I said something to her along those lines and she said that she sticks up for her friends no matter what. So, I just wished them both well and drove off.

On to part three of the dream. I was driving away in the truck and was on a fairly busy road. It was early evening so it had just gotten dark and there was a young child on a bike riding on the road with his father walking next to him. I slowed right down but I couldn't understand why they would be on the road. I was keeping a distance and trying to position the truck so no one else could hit them accidentally. I gave a light beep of the horn and both the man and the child saw the truck but they kept riding on the road and swerving over the lane as little kids do when they're learning to ride. I've been really trying to work on my frustration lately with people driving ridiculously slow on the roads so perhaps this is where this part of the dream came from. Then in the dream the father started to abuse me. I yelled something back about what sort of an idiot takes a small child riding on such a busy road and that he was lucky that I was such a careful driver as it was a recipe for disaster. I remember thinking the rant I would tell The Starchild about it when I got home but then I thought that I wouldn't bother as he wouldn't be interested because he sees stupid things like this on the road every day.

In the last part of the dream I stopped off at a supermarket on the way home and Poison Ivy was there as well as her bff at the time I knew her, Ms Frost. The last time I heard directly from Ms Frost, she was really nice to me and relaxed and not defensive as Poison Ivy tends to make people feel but in the dream she was trying to be a smart ass bitch. Then one of the other lovely girls I also worked with at this time came up and was also ignoring me. This is so out of character for this girl in particular and I have seen her a few times since and she has always been so lovely, even giving me presents for the kids. But in the dream she had been also catching up with Poison Ivy and had been, well, poisoned as well. But I just started talking and being myself and then this girl and Ms Frost also started to remember what I was really like rather than the poison crap they had been listening to from Poison Ivy. Soon, we were all chatting and laughing and having fun but Poison Ivy was just seething with anger. She ended up saying something nasty to me and I just said something about her actively engulfing her life with poisonous lies and what it was making her.

And that's all I remember now.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

I Just Don't Want To Go To Bed

I don't want to go to sleep and I don't know why. There is nothing much on my mind and there is nothing that I particularly want to do. I just don't want to go to bed. I'm not feeling anxious or worried or anything. There's nothing on TV and no other stimulus keeping me from bed. No alcohol, or rather, this is alcohol in the house and I had two drinks earlier in the evening but I don't feel like drinking. I'm not hungry, in fact, I had an angry whopper from Hungry Jacks (coz their ad worked and I really wanted to buy one) at about 1pm and didn't have anything else to eat since. I ended up making a toasted sandwich about 10.15pm for no real reason other than because I could. I still feel fine but I'm just avoiding going to bed. There is something to unlock here and I wish I knew what it was.

I didn't have quite enough sleep last night but I'm feeling ok still. I was in a bit of a silly mood this morning, which is good and reminds me of someone, maybe. I was a little creative last night and I'd like to revisit but tomorrow will be good enough for that. The Plan is not in full swing but I'm getting better and better at it each day. Things are generally positive and I'm feeling good. I just don't want to go to bed.

Who's Winning?

Where has the time gone?

Cute email from my would-be witch niece last night that I spent, oh, about an hour replying to - gee I can waffle on sometimes.

Did some Xmas shopping today. Still have so many people to buy for. Gee I wish I'd said nicer things about KRudd, then maybe he would have given us some money as well.

Appointment with the accountant to look at setting The Starchild up as a business. Keep telling myself that not only will this be a viable option, it will also be prosperous and will allow for growth in this area.

Have a christening in Sydney on Saturday, then visiting on Sunday. The bear is helping out with gifts as well - yay! I'll have to take back all of those mean and uncharitable things I said about her now.

Blister in the San rang yesterday - good chat with general consensus that glitter can solve all of the worlds problems.

It's been outrageously hot but a huge wind has just blown in with some rain that dried up as soon as it hit the ground because the ground was so hot. I wonder what the BOM and also Ken Ring have to say about this.

End of year party at The Cottage last night - very nice with lots of people there. I wonder what next year will bring on this front. I'm in two minds about where I want all this to go. I'm really happy to have kept up with the YAAD stuff and have taken on board the warnings of increased work next year. Obviously the universe thinks that this sort of stuff should be my focus, rather than getting a job.

Stayed up late again last night and got a bit of a sleep in this morning, which was wonderful. Kman is staying at the outlaws tonight and is now booked into camp in January. Car rego is due today and has actually been paid - yippie. Had to get two types and miscellaneous bulbs etc and for some reason the online payment didn't process but I did it over the phone and the best thing of all is that this years rego sticker is purple and I will have it on for the whole 12 months.

That's about all of the exciting news for now.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Ye, Gods!

I'm so drunk I can barely type and I'm fearful of the drivel that I may come out with at the moment.

Odin arrived, as did queen muck. The smiley monster was adorable in a loud an annoying way but they seemed quite taken with Talisman - what worth do humans have over dogs, eh? I found myself preparing in the back of my mind for a big showdown as I am self-vowed to never again play the stupid games that have been going on for 20 odd years but I am still a person who is increasingly enjoying living in the moment for the joys of different personalities and I was surprised that it was the latter that I found more relevant to the interactions of today. I was blunt and did the whole shoot from the hip thing that I so excel at - at the hour and a half mark there were preparations to leave until I blurted out "you've got be be kidding, you haven't even been here for two hours and I haven't seen you for years". Surprisingly there seemed to be an increase in comfort and enjoyment from queen muck at that point on. No, seriously, she seemed to start to relax and have fun after admitting that she only wanted to leave so she could have a 15 minute power nap before they went out for dinner. But I enjoyed it and I am so glad to see Odin. I love him so much and see my true self in him more than when looking in the mirror. If only we each had the balls to be who we are.

On a different (yet maybe strangely similar) note, I have a plan. I don't know that it is very definitive and I don't think it will start tomorrow as theoretically it means that my day begins at 6am with a workout and I just can't see that happening after all of have partaken in this afternoon and evening, but it is a plan never the less. And I will go so far as to Title Case it so is it now The Plan. And I believe in The Plan. And it is good to know The Plan and be instrumental in The Plan. I'm over my little hissy fit - never too old for one of those - and not feeling angry anymore. The Plan has given me hope and it is that eternal optimist that is part of my core that is fighting it's way back to the surface. And I love it. The possibilities of The Plan. It's all good I'm sure.

We have almost competed the trampoline area in the back yard. The Starchild is such a hard worker but I did my limited yet fair share as well today. I'm sure I will be suffering physically over the next day or so as a result but it felt so good to be part of the end result.

The impossible princess was sick last night and Kman and I both felt pretty off-colour today with him yakking and me cleaning into the wee small hours this evening. I hope the rest of the night is better as I'm in no fit state to clean, even if that was something I felt moved to do.

I liked the automatic writing thing so did a quick auto-pilot trip now:

Would like to start by saying that to take off the veil of humanity, one has to take of the veil off life. That we are all here because we have chosen to be and even though that is not what I usually think it is never the less true.

It will be way cool when I can decipher this crap, don't you think?

For now, I am and I am and I am and I am. Aren't you?

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Master Three, Odin, Beliefs and Reality

WOW, so that last post was a bit of a trip. I think I'll do that again sometime. But not now.

It is the smiley monster's third birthday today. He is so cute. The outlaws came over and so did Binn and her daughter. The smiley monster is now the proud owner of a new Buzz and Woody, which he has been longing for desperately - thanks, Binn! Also a Roary the Racing Car DVD (thanks to the outlaws), which he sings incessantly. I hadn't seen it before but I have to say from the bits I've watched today it looks way cool. Also, some other presents for the monster and a good day has been had by all. So far.

I cried a bucket load of tears last night to The Starchild and we managed to avoid a fight. He's no good with emotional displays but it's been a while since I let everything out and I clearly needed to do it. I feel a bit stupid because my feelings are so disproportionate to my current situation, so I guess there are other things going on with me that I need to figure out and worth with. I also guess that makes all this just a case of growing pains. What a crock of shit.

Odin is meant to stop by tomorrow. It is conditional, of course, and for a purpose other than to see me, but I am experiencing child-like excitement over the thought. I would love nothing more at this point to spend the many hours of tomorrow evening partaking in red wine and silly yet deep conversations and I know that is not actually going to be any part of what will happen but that is still what is in my heart. In reality, I'm sure it will be much like the last visit with 30 minutes of lip service with cats bum face perched on the edge of the chair nearest the door. I know it's not acceptable and Odin knows it's not acceptable and you would think with all of the power of the father of the Gods he would be capable of so much more, wouldn't you? But we created the Gods as immortals and then forgot about them so we can't really blame them for forgetting how to be relevant in our lives. Ha, I'm tickled by how well that little analogy fits in this story. That Douglas Adams is such a genius.

There are issues to force that I focused on for such a long time and decided to give up on. I'm older now and probably more apathetic about life as a whole but I am none the less at a cross roads. I need to ask myself "WWWD?" - and am scared that the fact that I don't know the answer to that reminds me that I started to lose myself before I even found myself. The task at hand is therefore all the more difficult but still not impossible. What were the words to the Simon Townsend's Wonder World TV Show theme song?

"If you believe
that anything can happen.
If you believe
that anything is possible, then
you belong with me
so let your mind run free.
If you believe
we're all a little crazy
(a little crazy).
If you believe
in giving everything your best, then
you belong with me
so let your mind run free."

I have to keep reminding myself of that because I am having issues where my reality seems so far removed from my beliefs and I'm sure that's not how it's meant to be.

Enough Automatic Writing.

OK, trying my hands at automatic writing.
This is me, with my eyes closed, just typing.
I don't know if I am a believer in this but I'll willing to give it a go and see what happens.
So, I am connecting.
I have peace.
There is air around me and I am comfortable.
I am alert but relaxed.
I like where I am,
I am ready for a message.
There is nothing in my mind right now.
If I had a mindfulness chant, I would be chanting it now.
Is that sparkles I can see?
Like confetti?
What is the difference between confetti and life?
If I could look at the world with indifference in my eyes, would more my job be appreciated?
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
Jack or Sawyer?
Both!
The door is lying flat.
This feels like a typing test.
I don't know that there's much point in doing typing tests at this point in time,
I'd really like some help and help is what I shall have.
I am important.
I am worthy,.'
I am loved.
There is nothing in the universe more important to me than me.
There are no excuses.
There are no excuses.
Even if you can't spell.
Or mayhaps I can't type.
Its exciting to see that changes in the world.
We care indeed, fortunately,
I don't know how the whole prayer things works in terms of reality.
Can I really be all that I want to be and still be walking around Big W?
This is the most embarrassing thing that had ever happened to me.
I wonder what they did with Ellen,
I know they covered up.
I remember where the past was really the future and we had to work out how the story ended, which was where it started.
Much like Ghost Busters,
Enough.

Friday, December 12, 2008

100% Full Moon


Way cool.
Sending all positive full moon energy out to everyone!

You're Awesome!


You know who you are - and you're awesome!

Yeah, Well, Whatever

I didn't get the job.

P.S. I Love You - Movie Review


So, I'm premenstrual and feeling like I should want to eat chocolate and watch a bit of a chick-flick. I settle on a movie called "P.S. I Love You", which has been hailed as a howler of a tear jerker with a brilliant cast and all things soppy and wonderful. I buy microwave popcorn and fun size chocolate bars, make a big cup of tea with honey, close the blinds and settle in for a good cry.

But somethings wrong. Even with the smell of popcorn wafting gently from the microwave, the steam rising gentle from my tea cup and the chocolate nicely chilled, I'm just not feeling into it. But a plan is a plan and as they are few and far between these days it is more important that ever to pursue them relentlessly once they are made. So, "Dognabbit," I say to myself (perhaps a little too harshly than is appropriate to be received by one in such an unstable state as I am obviously in to not want to complete this perfectly wonderful and one would think absolutely appropriate plan), "I will be scoffing popcorn and chocolate, drinking tea and crying my stupid fucking eyes out!"

Scene one - two couples fighting. He (Gerard Butler - never heard of him but apparently quite well acclaimed by others who have) has an extremely unconvincing Irish accent that is meant to be charming and irresistible and she (Hilary Swank) is just bloody annoying. The premise of the fight is that he has said to her mother that she isn't ready to have children yet, which apparently something she has said but is still worthy of a tumultuous argument including storming out and make up sex at the end of it. All it all, I found this all too unbelievable, lacking humour where it seemed to be attempting to be funny in a quirky, love-irony kind of a way and with quite poor dialogue and character insights. For what should have be providing the foundations of the dynamics of this couple, it just went on too long and didn't seem to ever reach the points it was trying to aspire to.

Scene two - he's dead and they are holding a traditional Irish wake at her mother's (Kathy Bates - yes, I do like her and she works as per her usual, excellent and convincing standards and I did quite enjoy her scenes) traditional Irish pub (although she is actually American - go figure). Yes, this is outrageously sad and I was a blubbering mess. This scene also introduces Lisa Kudrow as one of two best friends, who is fairly tolerable throughout the movie despite the restrictiveness of the role she has been given to work with. This is also the introduction of Harry Connick Jnr. His character is stupid and poorly developed throughout the movie that you can never quite identify with - perhaps due to the ill-conceived personality that is based on being a person who is medicated for "rudeness" that is poorly explained other than not applying social filters during conversations but translates to nothing more than a few lines that are also meant to be funny but that just fall flat.

And so it goes on. The movie deals with Hilary Swanks' characters dealings with grief over the loss of her husband and is so inexpressibly sad in so many places but is very much ruined by the unbelievability of much of it. Even at the wake - he has been cremated and his ashes are there. And later that night she goes home and calls him mobile repeatedly until she cries herself to sleep just so she can hear his voice for a few brief seconds on his voice mail message but surely his phone would have been disconnected as he died of a brain tumour and new he dying. And how she can lock herself in her apartment for weeks on end and how he organised all sorts of things to happen after he died (singing telegrams, cakes, dry-cleaning, shopping sprees, holidays) when part of the fight in the opening scene was how they didn't have any money.

All in all it was a admittedly a very sad movie but the saddest part of all was in the poor writing. At the end of it I felt very flat and depressed that I had wasted so much time watching and crying over this stupid movie. It was poorly written and required too much release of every day reality to be anything approaching believable. The acting was ok and there were some very nice parts but for me this is a one and a half star movie.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

I Am A Paper Toler

I think the kitchen cleaning helped - either that or the bottle of champers as I was in a much better state of mind today.

Dropped the smiley monster at Binn's then went to the shops to pick up some more supplies for the morning's planned activities. The Kman, the impossible princess and I then made Christmas cards. It was so much fun and I had so many cool things to use. The Kman was quite taken with the embossing kit and went crazy on that for about five cards. I paper toled for the first time and loved it! And the impossible princess did same amazingly well layed out ones as well. All in all it was loads of fun but my kitchen and dining room were no longer anything that resembled tidy once more. But I'd much rather have a real house than a no touch, no fun type house any day.

I then got ready for my second interview, dropped Kman and impossible princess to Binn's (very appreciative to be able to do that) then sank a red bull and pumped out Green Day to get me psyched. Was happy with absolutely everything and should find out by this time next week at the latest as to how I went. I don't know if I will get the job but I do know I did my absolute best and I know that whatever happens from here is meant to be.

While all the craft stuff was out I did a big cleanout of the bottom of the utility cupboard in the kitchen and now have it all back in and even more OCD than before. Might take in a DVD and then troddle off to bed. Think of me and keep your fingers, toes and all of the bits in between crossed for good news soon.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Controlling One's Destiny Through a Clean Kitchen

At 6.15pm tonight, I decided I had had enough. This is how my kitchen looked at that time:

OMG! Yes, you said it, sister. Oh...My...God!



How did this happen? How have I been seating children amongst this mess?

And the dining room:
Messy, hey?

But, just four short hours later (which include cooking, feeding, showering, dressing, playing, toy-room tidying, reading and tucking into bedding, of course), this is what my kitchen looks like:

How shiny is my bench?


The only things still there are The Starchild's stuff and the phone. Pretty good effort, me thinks.


And check out that fridge! I wish I had a before shot so you could see just how dirt resistant those allegedly dirt resistant handles really are!


Cream cleanser is the best cleaner for many household surfaces, particularly stainless steel. Look at what is does to one's sink:



And then there's the dining room:


So now order is born from chaos and I'm sure to have a much more controlled day tomorrow, for tomorrow is quite a big day in my trifling little life. Wish me luck, folks.

Answers, Answers, Answers.

This is due to a pebcak error (problem exists between chair and keyboard). Ahhh, an oldie but a goodie. I still don't know what the problem is but I can deal with this answer.

This is because I am strengthening and breaking physical addictions while the echoes of memory still remain and attempt to undermine my progress. But, in the immortal words of Gloria Gaynor "I will survive".

This is because I am human.

This is also because I am human.

This is because I have kids. Further details on this particular aspect of my life to follow.

I drank it but, yes, I will buy some more. I wish I understood the term "off license".

This is doubt. Doubt has a place in my existence but only as a self-assessment tool. It does not rule, control or drive me. I am fantastic and would be an asset to any company. Assessed, confirmed, end of story.

Yes.

My life is what it is and regardless of my circumstances it is my choice whether I am motivated, an achiever, tidy and whether I make my bed each day. Funnily enough, out of all of this, I am surest of the last. I know that it is part of who I am to make my bed every day, because a made bed is a half tidy room.

An impostor.

Yes.

Awesome.

Questions, Questions, Questions.

Why does blogspot keep signing me out when I have checked the remember me box, aren't deleting my cookies and am not signing out manually?

Why could I just not get into the chocolate, popcorn and chick flick that I had planned to enjoy today?

How did I go from traveling reasonably well to almost complete and utter lack of energy in the space of a day?

Why do I cry at the drop of a hat?

How did my kitchen bench get so messy so quickly? Will I ever be able to get it tidy again and if I do, how long will it stay tidy for?

Where did all of the alcohol in the house go? Surely I can't be down to my last bottle. Better stock up on Christmas spirit so I can really get into the Christmas spirit this Christmas (and for the lead-up, of course).

Why do I feel like losing confidence in myself when I truly believe I am fantastic and would be an asset to any company?

Do I really have the energy to keep going each and every day for the rest of my life?

What would my life be like if I didn't have a husband and/or children? Would I be more motivated or less motivated? Would I have achieved twice as much as I have so far or would I have achieved nothing? Would my house be tidy? Would I make my bed each day?

If I wasn't me, who would I be?

Can I really stick to anything?

How will I feel once I have finished this last bottle of alcohol in the house?

And Now For My Next Trick

So, did the whole getting out of bed first go thing ok. I ended up staying up later than planned as just as I climbed in "Dirty, Sexy Money" started so I watched that.

Also, I was in a bit of a quandary when I woke up at 5.25am to go to the bathroom and kept saying to myself "this doesn't count, I don't have to stay up now" until I climbed back into bed and zoned out again.

I'm looking forward to interview tomorrow. I just want things to be determined one way or another. I'm not a particularly patient person at the best of times but getting a job has so much of an influence on a lot of the choices I need to make, such as childcare. If I don't get this one, I will likely have to take Riley out of care and commit to being a home mum.

But, I'll cross that bridge if and when I come to it. For now, I am so enthusiastic about getting this job and as long as it is a possibility I am thinking about it as a fact. I know that sets me up for disappointment but I'm pretty resilient with that stuff so, Ops Mgr at EofE - that's me!

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Tomorrow I Commit To ...

... getting out of bed as soon as I wake up. The alarm is set for 6.43am - more than reasonable, one would have to agree, and potentially even going so far as to say rather generous, me thinks. I may wake up earlier for various reasons, but, when I wake, I will rise.

If I can do that tomorrow, I can do anything!

Early to bed, early to rise, makes a person healthy, wealthy and wise

Explains why I'm such a sick ...

















poor...








dumb ass, then!

There Is No Charge For Awesomeness

3 x medicare cheques deposited in the bank this morning. Getting about 50% of consultation fees back, so better than a kick in the teeth but would still prefer no-gap bulk billing.

Xmas shopping as well - I love Toy World at Maitland. They have such excellent specials and the staff are just lovely and so helpful - they still live that almost extinct notion of good old fashioned service. Their range is terrific, too - lots of sciency things for the Kman, would have liked to get a few more things for the smiley monster as it is also his birthday on Saturday. Would just about have spend all of the outlaws pressie money so still need to get stuff from The Starchild and I.

Lunch today with Bilbo, another Gourmet Goose success.

Looking forward to second interview on Thursday - ever positive for a great outcome! Blessings for Binn who will also look after the Kman and the impossible princess for a few hours as they finish up at school tomorrow. Remember when that used to be a good thing?

I've lost my kitchen bench somewhere. The last time I tidied it up it was messy again within 2 hours. Its the time of year when the widdies are bringing home all of their stuff from throughout the school year and, of course, I can't throw any of it away. I do have all of the storage boxes sorted so it is so much easier to put everything where it goes rather than have it take up space in the lair.

I watched Meet Dave yesterday. That movie sucks. On the other hand, I watched Kung Fu Panda on the weekend and that movie rocks. My favourite quote at the minute is "There is no charge for awesomeness."

Monday, December 8, 2008

The Electric Monk

From Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency by Douglas Adams

High on a rocky promontory sat an Electric Monk on a bored horse. From under its rough woven cowl the Monk gazed unblinkingly down into another valley, with which it was having a problem.

The day was hot, the sun stood in an empty hazy sky and beat down upon the gray rocks and the scrubby, parched grass. Nothing moved, not even the Monk. The horse's tail moved a little, swishing slightly to try and move a little air, but that was all. Otherwise, nothing moved.

The Electric Monk was a labour-saving device, like a dishwasher or a video recorder. Dishwashers washed tedious dishes for you, thus saving you the bother of washing them yourself, video recorders watched tedious television for you, thus saving you the bother of looking at it yourself; Electric Monks believed things for you, thus saving you what was becoming an increasingly onerous task, that of believing all the things the world expected you to believe.

Unfortunately this Electric Monk had developed a fault, and had started to believe all kinds of things, more or less at random. It was even beginning to believe things they'd have difficulty believing in Salt Lake City. It had never heard of Salt Lake City, of course. Nor had it ever heard of a quingigillion, which was roughly the number of miles between this valley and the Great Salt Lake of Utah.

The problem with the valley was this. The Monk currently believed that the valley and everything in the valley and around it, including the Monk itself and the Monk's horse, was a uniform shade of pale pink. This made for a certain difficulty in distinguishing any one thing from any other thing, and therefore made doing anything or going anywhere impossible, or at least difficult and dangerous. Hence the immobility of the Monk and the boredom of the horse, which had had to put up with a lot of silly things in its time but was secretly of the opinion that this was one of the silliest.

How long did the Monk believe these things?

Well, as far as the Monk was concerned, forever. The faith which moves mountains, or at least believes them against all the available evidence to be pink, was a solid and abiding faith, a great rock against which the world could hurl whatever it would, yet it would not be shaken. In practice, the horse knew, twenty-four hours was usually about its lot.

So what of this horse, then, that actually held opinions, and was sceptical about things? Unusual behaviour for a horse, wasn't it? An unusual horse perhaps?

No. Although it was certainly a handsome and well-built example of its species, it was none the less a perfectly ordinary horse, such as convergent evolution has produced in many of the places that life is to be found. They have always understood a great deal more than they let on. It is difficult to be sat on all day, every day, by some other creature, without forming an opinion on them.

On the other hand, it is perfectly possible to sit all day, every day, on top of another creature and not have the slightest thought about them whatsoever.

When the early models of these Monks were built, it was felt to be important that they be instantly recognisable as artificial objects. There must be no danger of their looking at all like real people. You wouldn't want your video recorder lounging around on the sofa all day while it was watching TV. You wouldn't want it picking its nose, drinking beer and sending out for pizzas.

So the Monks were built with an eye for originality of design and also for practical horse-riding ability. This was important. People, and indeed things, looked more sincere on a horse. So two legs were held to be both more suitable and cheaper than the more normal primes of seventeen, nineteen or twenty-three; the skin the Monks were given was pinkish-looking instead of purple, soft and smooth instead of crenellated. They were also restricted to just one mouth and nose, but were given instead an additional eye, making for a grand total of two. A strange looking creature indeed. But truly excellent at believing the most preposterous things.

This Monk had first gone wrong when it was simply given too much to believe in one day. It was, by mistake, cross-connected to a video recorder that was watching eleven TV channels simultaneously, and this caused it to blow a bank of illogic circuits. The video recorder only had to watch them, of course. It didn't have to believe them as well. This is why instruction manuals are so important.

So after a hectic week of believing that war was peace, that good was bad, that the moon was made of blue cheese, and that God needed a lot of money sent to a certain box number, the Monk started to believe that thirty-five percent of all tables were hermaphrodites, and then broke down. The man from the Monk shop said that it needed a whole new motherboard, but then pointed out that the new improved Monk Plus models were twice as powerful, had an entirely new multi-tasking Negative Capability feature that allowed them to hold up to sixteen entirely different and contradictory ideas in memory simultaneously without generating any irritating system errors, were twice as fast and at least three times as glib, and you could have a whole new one for less than the cost of replacing the motherboard of the old model.

That was it. Done.

The faulty Monk was turned out into the desert where it could believe what it liked, including the idea that it had been hard done by. It was allowed to keep its horse, since horses were so cheap to make.

For a number of days and nights, which it variously believed to be three, forty-three, and five hundred and ninety-eight thousand seven hundred and three, it roamed the desert, putting its simple Electric trust in rocks, birds, clouds, and a form of non-existent elephant-asparagus, until at last it fetched up here, on this high rock, overlooking a valley that was not, despite the deep fervour of the Monk's belief, pink. Not even a little bit.

Time passed.

502

"The stars above guide me, the moonlight is free.
A feeling inside me, and the whole world to see.
Driving fast makes me feel good.
The speed of light trapped under my hood.
Breaking laws, 'cause there's nothing to do.
Driving the interstate, stopped for a 502"

Yeah, ok - i love driving fast, but I do it too much these days and it's not really the fun kind of driving fast. It's usually the disorganised, harried kind of driving fast. So, i am making a commitment to either be organised or be late, no more driving fast. That's just not what life's about!


Transformation


Seriously contemplating transformation here. May be ready to take the next step. Have an urge to purge beforehand though!

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Did Do List - Tuesday 2 December


Well, it's no surprise that I didn't get everything done on my To Do List for today but I gave it a fair shake of the lambs tail.

Here's some of the things that I can count as having achieved:

* Ironed 2 of the Kman's shirts and the impossible princess's uniform
* Tidied up the kitchen bench
* Dropped the widdies off at school, came home and then realised at 9.10am that the spelling bee was at 9.15am so high-tailed it back to school to watch both of my gorgeous school children up on stage spelling their little hearts out amongst their peers
* Worked out for a whole hour
* Bought and rehomed six new fish, some algea stuff for the pond and a new water dispenser for Hocus
* Put tax stuff out for Mrs P, which it seems she has collected
* Installed new version of FrostWire as well as codecs, the absense of which were causing me all sorts of grief with several movies and have also commenced downloading some more stuff (lucky I have recently freed up more than 20Gb harddrive space - gotta clear stuff outta your life if you want more new stuff to come in)
* Sorted out wrongful suggestion that we would be slugged $5 for the record of care sheet not having been handed in on time because we didn't sign it when the smiley monster was actually absent - and it only took three phone calls to get it all sorted
* Showered and shaved
* Emptied the bins
* Cooked (and ate) vegies for lunch
* Put up the last of the inside Christmas decorations and put ribbons and other bits and pieces away
* Put upstairs Christmas tree up and put box away
* Folded clothes
* Took the widdies out for the impossible princesses drama rehersal and then to Maccas
* Put on a load of washing

There must has been other stuff as I didn't stop until 8.45-ish when I realised that there were shows on telly that I wanted to watch.

Had a crazy dream last night - store manager from when I was an office chicky at Coles at Merrylands was the boss from my last work and was loosing the plot and asking me to attend meetings after he had already closed down the office. It was kind of a compliment but was very confusing.

Well, the day is almost done. There are still a few things that I didn't get to mark off my To Do List so I will see how I go with them tomorrow. It's a never ending cycle as the more things I get done the more things I seem to have on my list of things to do but I feel better about things mentally, which is great.

~ Text deleted. Reason: insanity.

Monday, December 1, 2008

To Do List - Tuesday 2 December


FOCUS for tomorrow:
* Meditate
* Work Out
* Empty bins
* Create budget
* Put up Xmas tree upstairs
* Finish internal decorations and put away ribbons etc
* Put tax stuff out for Mrs P
* Make vegie lunch
* Put away tax documents
* Star reorganisation of the filing cabinet
* Fold clothes

Duality in Blogging

Blogging creates such a quandary in my mind. I'd like to use my blog to share my life with my family and friends but 1) I don't think it's very interesting; 2) I tend to waffle on a lot and 3) I don't know that public blogs are very honest, and that is what I'm looking for in my blog - a safe space to express my thoughts without censure. Perhaps I need two blogs - one for me and one for the rest of the world. There are a few problems with that in that I don't really have enough time to maintain two blogs and I have this blog so much how I want it that I don't want to have to think up new things again.

I'll see if I can think of an amicable solution before deciding whether or not to create a blog that I actually tell people about so I can exist in a state of duality.


Friday, November 28, 2008

Mental Frolicking

Got some things sorted in my mind relatively unexpectedly in both theory and practice so feeling somewhat better today - although still unsure about my future in terms of work.

Bought a new sea snail today - behold, a new Earl! He lay on his back dormant in the tank for about 12 hours until I finally got time to do a water change but when I noticed he was moving I decided to sit there are watch him for about 15 minutes. By then he had righted himself and was starting to explore the tank so I thought I'd put off the water change until tomorrow in case it was too stressful for him. He's already had enough excitement for one day.

I bought groceries this morning and it was raining but I really, really, really enjoyed walking to and from the car in the rain. I turned my face to the clouds and resisted the urge to physically frolic but I was definitely frolicking in my mind.


Prayers for our musical guest and her hubby for their loss. Such sad news but they seem to be holding up well. Gives perspective but I wish they didn't have to experience such sadness. My love of the universe to them for healing and a new chance at a better time.

Focus

Still a little all over the place as far as direction but need to take control over my life and make it into just what I want it to be.

Had a good talk with the tea lady this morning. I would really like to pursue the ML thing but I just can't see how to get it off the ground. Will have a talk with The Starchild and see if we can't work something out and then I will pursue it with vigor as I would really like to have my own business - or at least 50% share one.

Getting focused starts right now.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Spam, Visualising and Dots in the Air

Somethings I keep forgetting to mention:

1) Dramatic reduction in the amount of spam lately. This is a good thing on many levels as I was starting to think that the spammers loved me more than my family and friends do.

2) Since the Stroud weekend, my ability visualise has improved. Some of the pictures are becoming quite clear but they are not very big. The improvement seems to be ongoing, which is quite encouraging.

3) I saw the clear dots two weekends ago. I used to see them all the time when I was little. I particularly remember seeing them when I would have day time naps, so that would have been before I started school. I would see a whole blanket of them then and I could control the directions they moved in if I tried, otherwise they would just float in unison, usually upwards. the are clear and small and they look flat although I think they are really spherical. The Starchild mentioned something similar a few years ago, since we have been up here. I tried to see them again then and I think that I brought them back when I tried but they used to come unbidden. The other weekend we were in the car and I saw them clearly, but there were only five or so of them and they weren't all joined. They floated upwards like they used to and when they floated out of sight I could bring them back again where they had been before. This happened several times and they were in the same formation each time. It made me smile and feel like a child again.

Purging



Sometimes I feel judged and that gets my back up but then I think I got it all wrong.

Sometimes I feel really, really lazy. I can't seem to get motivated. I know I am in control but I don't actually *do* anything. Is this who I am? Is this all I am meant to be?

I like lists but at the minute all I see are obstacles as to why the things on my list wont get done.

Am also circling around cynicism - that wasn't real help that was offered, and it wasn't real concern. Not even self-concern - what's that all about? It's hard to pour your heart out to someone when you are in your deepest depths and to know that all you were was a potential lift. Whatever. I guess this is too long after the fact to be dwelling so I hope this post will also serve as a purging. It's not like it's a surprise. No wonder I keep concluding that relationships on all levels are just illusions.


Feeling the need to clear out stuff. Have been going through old documents - why on earth do I need a four drawer filing cabinet as well as several archive boxes full of stuff? Getting that organised is a good thing. Freeing up space on my harddrive as well - yippie. Considering deleting emails *gasp* and unsubscribing from some of the groups and newsletters. We'll see how that one goes.

Have a few things on tomorrow that I just don't want to do. Nothing awful, in fact, mostly quite pleasant. I just don't want to fulfill my commitments. I'm sure that statement could entertain a psychologist for an hour or two.

Looks like there willl be a bit of a lightning show on tonight - way cool!

Blogging - So True!

Good one, Rylah - so true!

Chasing a Catch 22

Another crazy week.

Checked out a warehouse for ML with the tea lady on Monday. Want to look at a few more.

Slept all day Tuesday - literally! Did some more work on the ML presentation on Tuesday night and a job interview this morning.

Pretty happy though. Like being at home even if still loads of pressure and can't afford the cost of childcare but don't want to lose our place - bit of a catch 22. Now that's a book I'd like to read. Might see if I can track down a copy.

I remember thinking a few months ago that I wanted to simplify my life and that that crazy-busy stress was all of my own doing but I just didn't know how to un-do it. Well, even though it is hard, and bad timing and creating a huge struggle, I am truly grateful for this time and can see that I have been given what I asked for, and even more than that, I have been given what I needed.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Things Are Certainly Looking Uncertain

Fantastic weekend. Drinks and BBQ at the tea ladies house on Friday night and also got stuck into marketing powerpoint for ML. Much fun and good progress.

Housework on Saturday am. Then grandma bunny came over and took the widdies out and The Starchild and I made our escape for the night. Stayed at The Boathouse at Tea Gardens and it was wonderful. The room was just lovely - full kitchen, large balcony overlooking the lakes with boats and all, dining table, two lounges, pay TV, bedroom with second telly (with Pay TV as well), marble two basin vanity, walk in wardrobe/change room - and of course the spa, which had a big window that you could either roll the TV from the bedroom in front of and watch telly in the spa or look out the bedroom window over the water.

Dinner at the local on Saturday night. Afterwards, The Starchild watched the footy while I played guitar. Lots and lots and lots and lots of lovin. Good sleep. Early rise to watch the sun come up. Spa bath then a work out then breakfast then another spa bath and time to go. Had a bit of a drive round, checked out Ocean Beach, had a cuppa at a cafe/art gallery and then headed home. It was just so nice and it was such a shame that it was only one night. Missed the widdies but it was was wonderful to get time away all the same.

House was all good when we came home and grandma bunny and the widdies were out again so got to unpack and have a quick relax before they got back. Then a cuppa and a chat before bidding farewell to granma bunny. Played with the widdies, snoozed on the lounge, had dinner, watched season final of Idol (yay, Wes!) and stayed up till 1am watching telly, folding clothes and sipping wine.

Had an interview with another recruitment agency today, went much better than the last one but no promising jobs. Got a call from a different place again later in the day. The tea lady has put in her resignation.

Tarot spread on available choices talks about Faith, the Queen of Cups, the Two of Swords and The Fool for the ML option. Karmic spread gave me three of The Fool and three of The Devil.



It will be ok but it is still very uncertain, me thinks. I do feel very positive about life in general today and am very enthusiastic about everything I am doing so that has to be a good thing.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Que Sera Sera

The strange energy of last week seemed to come back again today. I had about 7 hours sleep before the alarm went off but I still snoozed it because I felt so tired. The smiley monster came in five minutes later, with books, and jumped on me until I dragged myself out of bed some half hour later.

Once the widdies were all at their respective locations, I came home and watched the Wedding Crashers and tried to sleep but even though I was really tired I couldn't sleep.

After the movie finished I dozed for about half an hour. I had an appointment with a recruitment agency at 2pm so I set an alarm for 12.30pm to give me plenty of time but I woke at 12pm and couldn't sleep again. I actually felt like exercising so I put my sneakers on and came upstairs to get a hair tie but got distracted by the computer doing typing tests in preparation for the recruitment agency and before I knew it it was 12.30pm and time for a shower.

I had a bit of trouble deciding what to wear and I guess I didn't feel really confident. The smiley monster had to come home due to a rash so The Starchild took him to the chemist who said it just looked like a heat rash. I ended up rushing for the interview but I did manifest a parking spot just outside :-)

The ppl were very nice but I didn't come across as I wanted to. I felt pretty bad by the end even though I hadn't said anything bad and one of the directors was brought in to meet me. There was a huge storm on the way home and I wonder if I'm not just too linked to the weather or something. I do want to get in touch with other recruitment agencies though, so that is a good thing, and I know I will learn from the experience. I was just so in my element running everything in my last job and it is really deflating to be where I am now so I will just need to take myself back to how I felt at my peak of confidence and wear that feeling in future situations. I still believe that what ever will be will be - I've even been singing que sera sera!

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

The Adventures of Hippolina

Doing well with the manifesting. Started Xmas shopping yesterday (some money given by the outlaws to buy things on their behalf - I love spending money and I don't really mind too much whose it is) and made a good start. Manifested a great parking spots at all three places. Bought some more fish: four glass blood fin tetras and two rainbow sharks.

Call from Blister in the San last night.

The impossible princess left Hippolina at dancing last night so I had to drive out to Raymond Terrace to get her. I was extremely happy that I only had to wait a short time before someone arrived and that Hippolina was there, a little scared but otherwise ok. Muriel and Spinderella are much relieved.

Lunch with the soulful one today. Was going to give blood afterward however The Starchild got an extra job on for the arvo so I will need to reschedule so I can be back to pick the widdies up from school and take them to swimming lessons.

Interview with a recruitment agency tomorrow.

Dinner and gardening with the tea lady on Friday.

Have gathered stuff for tax and sent email to arrange - yippie!

I love The Starchild so much and enjoy it when we can work out together so I can have a super-fit, trim and healthy body :-)

Monday, November 17, 2008

Happiness Is Prevalent In My Life

I watched The Secret again today - or, that is to say that I watched the first part again and the last part for the first time. I am accepting that with my thoughts I create my reality and I am consciously acknowledging examples of this as often as possible. I am also actively manifesting things into my reality. I am a happy person and I love my life. I enjoy earning a six-figure income and having shit-loads of cash in my bank account. I have a loving, healthy, happy, adoring family and my income greatly exceeds my expenses.

Back on Track

It's just another manic Monday and I've got Friday on my mind.

Since starting blogging I haven't spent so much time on Facebook. Lucky lil green patch is just virtual otherwise all of my lovely plants would be dead.

The mama bear is in Bangkok. Have just had second email from here since she arrived :-)

The Blister in the San is going to ring me.

Have been playing my guitar for about an hour this morning. I'm still crap at it and now have sore fingers. Was very enjoyable though.

Had a great weekend. Truck is now fixed (touch wood) and The Starchild has a new tough sticker. Lovely dinner out with the tea lady and her family on Saturday night. The kids had a ball and the tea lady and I had lots of drinkies. The menfolk were tired but supportive, which was good. I felt so much better after having some fun. Planning on going back so The Starchild can help with some more yard work on Friday with a BBQ also on the cards.

The Starchild and I are going away for a kid-free night on Saturday, which I am sooooooo looking forward to.

The weird energy that had messed me up so badly last week seems to have dissipated. It was very strange and I'm glad it has gone. I wish I understood it more so I can handle it better next time (as there is sure to be) but for now I will just get on with life and keep being the happy little soul i am.

Started the day with a workout, which was fantastic and inspiring. Only did three sessions last week, not the planned four, and didn't have even one perfect day as far as diet. Sometimes i guess i just *need* chocolate. Not much else planned today but will aim to at least have dinner on the table and the widdy kinks all sorted before class. I don't want to feel like i have to earn my pass out but I know how buggered The Starchild is already so would like to make it as easy as possible for him.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Stubbornness - The Trait For All Occassions!

Well, wasn't yesterday another roller coaster ride, and I'm lucky to have made it through at all - literally. But we won't go there.

Have some very mundane tasks penciled in for today and, of course, have not gotten any of them done. Got a text from the free spirit needing to catch up. Wish she wasn't hurting but so glad so contacted me. Met up at Newcastle beach and cried together in the carpark. Felt better afterwards and have committed to call her if I have another day like yesterday.

Have been *accused* ;o) of being stubborn but maintain that being stubborn is good as this will probably be the most effective trait to get me out of this situation.

Going off to practice being stubborn now - gotta be good at something!

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Greenless Green Days

Not a good morning. Had in my head what I needed to do today. Woke up at 6.11am - snoozed the alarm once and then got up even though I was still so tired. Started to work on applications for some of the jobs I had saved and decided that I didn't want to apply for the two Centrelink positions. Worked on another application that wouldn't be too bad but all of a sudden it was time to get the kids up and I hadn't even finished it.

The smiley monster is very argumentative these days and the impossible princess is just downright difficult just about all of the time. She complained about waking up, then she sooked and cried about making her bed, then she took ages to come down to breakfast, then her weet-bix were too soggy, then she took ages to eat. All this time the smiley monster is also refusing to eat and is being cheeky and then they start on one another. I need to go to the bathroom so I go and while I'm there the smiley monster pinches the impossible princess and she squeals and then she cries and then she goes shrieking 'Mum' all over the house. I call out where I am but she keeps screeching 'Mum' and I come out and she isn't even crying she is just sooking and my head hurts and I am crazy from being yelled at and I yell "WHAT??!!??" at her and then yell about how I can't even go to the bathroom in peace and that if she hadn't taken so long eating her breakfast and spent her time annoying her brother then he wouldn't have pinched her and then I yelled at the smiley monster for pinching her and asked them to just bloody-well do what they are meant to do each morning and eat their breakfast and finish getting ready. I feel so bad I want to vomit and my heart is broken because I yelled at them. I'm at the point where I am trying to relish my 45 seconds while I drink my crazy shake breakfast and thinking that my chest feels weird and in a way hoping for a heart attack just so it will all be over. And, yes, I know that's bad and that is why I know I should be taking something for my anxiety.

The Kman is good though, and tries to be happy and helpful. He helps with the smiley monster and doesn't stir up the impossible princess and asks me if there are any jobs I would like him to do. Bless his little heart; I love him so much. And then I hate myself for being angry. It's not their fault that they do naughty and frustrating things - they're kids, that's just what kids do. I'm just not cut out for it some days.

But once that's all done I get them all off to where they are meant to go and get home and think that the first thing I'll do is put the clothes on the line as that will mean that job is started and I will feel better for being outside, particularly before it gets too hot as today is sure to be. After that I'll finish my job applications, then I'll work out and then vacuum and mop and spray surface spray and then I'll decide if I'm going to see if I can do anything with the front garden or if I will work on my BOS (I can actually get that completely up to date as there was no new BOS work in this weeks lesson).

Then I get a text from the tea lady saying the target client for our potential new business is there to be told her existing provider will not be able to continue to provide the service. I start to reply about fear and doubt but then she rings and I am so grateful she did. I know I am suffering from anxiety from so many sources but the thought of telling her about my doubts was making it worse. I'm not facing any of my issues enough to even understand them properly let alone to actually deal with them so her ringing has made me do both and she was wonderful. I even told her about my tarot reading and she said that it was as good a way as any to make a decision and didn't make me feel foolish or like I had let her down. I knew she was busy at work and she just let me talk and gave me support and I cried and then felt better. My head hurts but I feel real and intense gratitude.

So, now I'm at the computer again and not doing anything productive - other than practicing my typing skills ;0) but I will get back on track and get on with stuff so I don't feel like today was another green day without any green. Oh, God help me if I had any of that as I would surely be doomed to complete ineffectiveness then.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Chocolate is Such a Fickle Friend

Very tired and lethargic - slept most of yesterday, even after a decent nights sleep and then with a good nights sleep after that.

Feel like I'm struggling mentally but not with anything in particular. Having some seriously concerning thoughts about the futility of it all in regards to the world in general, pretty intense and have tried to ignore but I constantly feel like they are not far from the surface.

Feel like a totally different person to who I was a few days ago, and different again to who I was a few days before that.

Intense cravings for chocolate - probably just premenstrual - but no thoughts for alcohol, which is good. Cheated on the diet already. Was soooo hungry yesterday and ate and ate and ate but only allowable things in between naps on the lounge but succumbed in the night :-(

Not sure what is going on in my head.

Big doubts about potential new business. Did a tarot reading about that as follows:

1. Short term positive: VIII Swords - mental anguish, separation
2. Mid-long term positive: X Wands - heavy burden
3. Short term negative: II Coins - juggling money
4. Mid-long term positive: XI Justice - legal issues
5. Go/No go - should I proceed: XVIII Moon - things are not what they seem (I also dropped the moon card when shuffling)

So, this seems to be pretty clear to me that this is not a good idea. I then did a spread regarding my employment prospects as follows:

1. Short term: Queen of Swords - strong, intellectual woman
2. Mid term: XIV Temperance - balance
3. Long term: Knight of Wands - action, travel, movement
4. Overall: XV Devil - slave to the grind

Not a particularly wonderful reading but a safer one and one that is much more me.

Took myself off to the movies today, which was great. Saw 'Burn after reading' with George Clooney and Brad Pitt. Most unusual and I'm still not sure if I liked it or not. The reviews were really mixed and I can understand why, patience and tolerance were needed but it was a quirky yet simple plot and the acting was good. There were a few surprises but a partially good outcome and it moved quite nicely throughout. Only cost me $8 as well, which was a bonus. Picked up some fruit and vege at Harris Farm Markets so we are very well stocked in that department here now.
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