Saturday, September 11, 2010

To Be Again

A thousand years ago today
or was it a thousand and two?
I closed the lid
on a box I keep
and hid it from sight
until its memory slipped
beyond my consciousness
through my dreams
and wallowed in the pool
of never to be thought of.

As the days passed
and the moons waxed and waned
a hundred new lifetimes were born
and in each one
there was a need for the box
but the lid remained closed
for reasons as unknown
as the memories of the contents became.

Now I find
I am not only ready
but I am actively choosing
to explore those reasons
and through the steps I am taking
I am finding my strength
to face my demons
and without ever planning
or realising
or hoping to dream
about this forgotten box
the lid has suddenly and silently
been lifted
and there is has gifted me
with a beautiful and completely serendipitous experience
of remembering a little of the contents of that box
and while it is very much in need of a spring clean
it contains exactly what I need right now
and while it was with me all along
I was not ready
to open it
for I was
building my experiences
that will serve me in the next phase
but first
it really is time
to face those demons
and get the rest of the lid of that box
opened
and aired out
and dusted off
and cleaned up
for in that box
is who I really am
and who I am ready
to be again.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

See It

A blue day
happens once in a while
and everything forms a question
that serves to create insecurities
but I am floating through this day
in the knowledge
that today is just
that kind of day
and that's ok
because tomorrow
will be a different kind of day
and I am ready
to at least try
to prepare to greet tomorrow
with a fresh eye
and a beating heart
and not to lament
the loss of today
for in each moment
there is success
if we only choose to see it.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

So Much More

Slowly but surely
things are starting to work
including my brain
which has to be a good thing, right?

I always believed
that I had the pieces to the puzzle
although I didn't always feel that to be true
but now I am feeling it a little more
and it is now that I realise
how lost I had been
and how foolish I had been
and how grateful I now am
to be in this situation
rather than that one
which is not where anyone should be.

And while we may know
that we are who we are
and we have what we have
and don't have what we don't have
because of our own choices
that sometimes does nothing
to affect our sense of power
in being about to change any of it
but I am on the path
to reclaiming that
and it feels so much better
even it if still feels somewhat fragile
and I just grateful
that is all
and that is enough
for today
because tomorrow
I will be
so much more!

Sunday, September 5, 2010

So Long Now

The lightest mood
in a long, long time
has found me today
in my hiding place
and I have found myself
rising to greet it
gratefully
and with antiscipation
rather than with the disdain
and rejection
that has settled in as my welcoming party
for so long now.

There were "moments"
yes
and I acknowledge
that my energy
has the energy of others
with which it must interact
for I have chosen them
and they have chosen me
to experience in this life
and setting up protection
is shutting down that energy
when it was meant to be
so what is really called for
is inner strength
and resilience
and perspective
and tolerance
and a multitude of other things

that have been sadly lacking
for so long now.

But I am nothing
if not stubborn
and I am feeling the strength
in that stubbornness
and I am feeling the determination
and inspiration
and energy
and passion
in that stubbornness
and am embracing it
even though the awareness
of it's potential fleetingness
lurks
never far from the surface
it is something I can accept today
and maybe again tomorrow
and then maybe the day after that
I will find that the lurking
starts to begin to commence
fading further and further
below the surface
and then
in any moment
it will all start to feel
much more normal
having that strength
and fortitude
which I should have had
for so long now.
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