Monday, May 2, 2011

Like This

Today has been
a day of unexplained overwhelm.

I could feel it coming.

The first thing
I usually notice
is that I lose my words.

It's like I am talking
and my brain is used to the words
just flowing
and I suddenly stop talking
and have to strain
and search
and forrow my brow
(which seems to help with the straining and searching)
and try on different words
to realise they don't fit.

This has been happening
for a few weeks now
coming and going
ebbing and flowing
in intensity
and while I had noticed it happening
I didn't realise
how much this was affecting me
until this morning
when out of the blue
I found a word
that I had lost
weeks ago
maybe longer.

The other thing that happens
is that my confusion increases
with the noise level
particularly
if there are several noises
going on at once
which there usually is
in my life.

Then in the last few days
I've felt
like someone on heavy sedatives
(although I am not)
standing on the edge of a cliff.

It's like I know about the impending danger
and I'm sure it is close
but I don't really feel fear
or anything at all for that matter
and when I do start to feel
the first thing I feel is overwhelmed
like every task is insurmountable
and I go very quiet
and make slightly unusual decisions
about normal routine things
just to try and get through each minute
because I know
that each minute I survive
is one less minute I will have to feel like this.
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