Sunday, April 28, 2013

One of Them

Snap.

Yes indeedy.

Big, mighty, and powerful.

Snap.

And the build up
was obvious
and the outcome
was inevitable
and the fallout
was terrible
and now
the air is clear.

The fear of
holding it all in
finally became greater
than the fear of
letting it all out.

And let it all out I did.
Yes indeedy.

Tumultuously so.
Tempestuously so.
Terrifyingly so.

With so much
physically
emotionally
and spiritually
to pick up afterwards.

Some things are
irreparibly broken,
but only the things
that don't really matter
and that perspective
is a true blessing.

Some things have been
thrown away
but only the things
that I should have thrown away
a long time ago
and that release
is also a true blessing.

Some things
still stand
bent but not broken
and their persistence
is a reminder
of the depth
of their love
and a recognition
of mine
and those are the things
that really matter
and are the truest blessing of all.

And I know
this is not the end
of this struggle.

And I know
life is full
of swings
and roundabouts.

But just for now
all of the pain
all of the anger
all of the confusion
has taken a step back
and provided me with
an opportunity
to take a step forward.

I can still see it
feel it
lurking
not even in the shadows
but even those two steps
between my now
and my yesterday
are enough.

Do I want it gone forever?

Yes.

And
no.

For as unbearable as it seems
and as close as I am
to the precipice  of the abyss
never knowing
if I will take my next step
forwards
or backwards
it is part of my journey
it is something I need
to experience
to learn from
it is part of who I am meant to be
it is me.

And acceptance
is the only thing
that negates the struggle.

Not always easy
when betrayal
and abandonment
always want to
tag along for the ride.

And acceptance
is more than tolerance.

Acceptance
needs
respect.

But does it have to be
a two way street?

Is it something
I can project
without receiving?

The me of today
answers in the affirmative
but knows there are some
where this is not the case
and wonders
with equal parts of
loathing and desire
if she will ever
be one of them.
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