Know How

Did I mention already
that the day time wears me down?

Today has been no exception
and it is a tough night indeed.

There is just so much
that I would change
but I just
don't
know
how.

Will Too

By the end of the day
I am usually worn out
physically
emotionally
and spiritually
but
something that has surprised me
is that I seem to be
starting each day
in a much better
frame of mind.

For this I am
both relieved and grateful.

Around me I am seeing

many friends
who are unhappy.

Throughout my most recent bout
of soul-deep unhappiness
the only constant source
of tolerability in this existence
has been a reflection on the natural world
and my belief in
the beauty and benefit
of the turning of the wheel of the year.

This is just something that I understand
something that I accept
even when I am in the midst
of rejecting all else
every aspect
of myself
of other people
the turning of the wheel
retained it's resonance
with my soul.

As each day passes
and I am feeling "better"
my love of the wheel of the year
has deepened
and broadened
and I have accepted
more and more
of what it includes.

For this I am also
both relieved and grateful.

But when I am seeing
my friends
unhappy about
what I am now seeing
to be intrinsically linked
to the turning of the wheel
it saddens my heart
that they are not seeing
the beauty
that is there
or that they are seeing the beauty
but are allowing their vision
to be tainted
and manifest itself
in negative comments
and compaints.

It makes me sad
because they are missing out
on an opportunity
for happiness
but also
they are taking a negative view
on the only thing
that got me through
the absolutely darkest period of my life.

Each day we are given
opportunities to learn and grow
and I am relieved and grateful
that I am again moving
in a positive direction
and am accepting
that I am still
and perhaps always will
be walking over rough, uneven ground
as I travel my path.

My focus at this time
is to work on mindfulness
of living in the moment
and of appreciating everything.

My prayer at this time
is that you will, too.

To Live

Even in my darkest moments
I always knew that
my life
was a direct result
of my choice
and that my current situation
was also a choice.

The problem was
I felt that I had made
so many terrible choices
in the past
and that I was a thte point where
even though I knew I had a choice
in that very moment
I had no interest
in positive change
and I just could not see
how
to actually choose
and make choices
anymore.

I didn't feel capable
of being in control
and all I saw
about the times
when perhaps I had been in control
was mistake after mistake.

In short,
I wasn't honouring myself
and my life lessons.

Even knowing that
didn't change the way I felt about it.

Sometimes I still feel that way
but less and less often
and for shorter and shorter periods
and to shallower and shallower depths.

And for that I am so grateful.

There is no reason
in these feelings
and as a logical being
this intensified the feelings
of overwhelm
and being out of control
and powerlessness to change anything.

Now I can see the choices a little clearer
and once I made the choice
to change
and once I accepted
that it had taken a very, very long time
to get to the point that I was at
so therefore it was also going to take
a very, very long time
to move in a stable and controlled way
to the place that I wanted to be
this was the only choice that mattered
and I made it the founding choice
for everything else
and that has helped.

It is still a long road
and even on the days
when I feel
what could possibly resemble
some sort of normality
and that I don't need the same things
that I needed when I made the choice to get better
I know that I do actually need to continue them
and that it is okay to need that support
for a little while longer
and that there is no need
to feel like I am only strong
when I am going it alone
because true strength
is in utilising all of your resources
and alchemising them
into the future I want to live.

Meant To Be

We are holistic beings
meaning
everything we do
has affects and consequenses
on other aspects of us
and our lives.

What works for some
does not always work for others
in terms of paths and attitudes
but there are undeniable basics
that work for all.

These are the natural laws
under which we all live
and which I believe
are the ongoing work of God
and when chronology is seen as a concept
rather than another natural law
the real natural laws
can be seen as creation
and the science of God
where the two work hand in hand
and are one
as are we all.

So many times
I think about getting back to these basics
of existence
but so many times
I fail to make it through even one day
where all of my choices
support what I
with all my heart and all my soul
believe will help.

This is where it is obvious
that I am an individual
and like all individuals
I have my own path
and my own attitude
and need to find my own way
with who and what I am
to get to the point
where I am holistically honouring
who I am
and who I am meant to be.