Saturday, June 26, 2010

And Support

Looking at some of my past posts
I am even more grateful
for what they gave me at the time
in helping me to work through things
and also for what they are giving me now
which is clarity and affirmation.

Something that I have felt
in a much greater sense than normal
is how every experience you go through
becomes a resource that is available
in your present and your future.

Now I am seeing
why I have been given that message
so strongly
as now
I have worked through some
seemingly impossible lows
and I know there will be more to come
but those lows
have been preparation
for today
so that I can make the decision
that I have been avoiding
for far too long
but which I felt at the beginning of this year
I would make soon.

Well, now is soon enough.

So, the time has come, the Walrus said
to speak of other things.

And while I think that speaking of other things
seems like further avoidance
and also seems like
ignoring my own advice to seek support when I need it
I believe at the moment that it is necessary
and the best option
and I know that I will still seek support when I need it
but in this moment
the things I need to do
are things that only I can do
and I know that I am not alone
and I am grateful and content in that knowledge
because being independant
is not living in a tower alone
it is building the tower
that you choose to live in
and inviting those you love
and whose energy is good and healthy to be near
and who live in their own towers nearby
to come and visit you in your tower
and to build a sense of community
where we can all stand alone
yet at the same time stand as one
in a city of individual towers.

So, I'm building my tower now
have been, in fact, for some time now.

And it is not the best tower
but it is my tower
and I will honour it
as it will honour me
in strength
and silence
and solitude
and support.

Friday, June 25, 2010

As I Am

My recent soul-shaking existence
has become
more steady of late.

It has been a really tough few weeks
and that's not something
I say (read: admit to)

But, as part of my current process
that involves reassessing strength
I am trying to be more open
when I am not feeling strong
rather than taking it all on myself
because I am never comfortable
be a burden on others
because there are so many
drama queens
out there already so I don't think
that the world needs me being another one
I am trying to present it
to those who need to know
and to those who can help
with balance
and with honesty.

Usually I don't like to blog
or make any kind of public display
about my inner turmoil
but this time
I let some of it out.

Part of the problem is that
I don't always realise
how bad things are
until I start to get better.

But this time was really intense
and I was scared
and was in the most extreme
state of overwhelm
(as opposed to the standard state of overwhelm
in which I usually exist)
that I was forcing myself
to count putting a washed and dried frying pan
away in the cupboard
as a victory
an achievement
so I would have even just one little thing
that I could count as something I had done that day.

And yet
through all this
I managed to function
and do so many things
that no matter how much
I resent the label at time
I must be strong
even when I no longer want to be
and even when I have so little belief in myself
to think that such a label could be in any way deserved
I am strong
if for no other reason
than because I am still here.

And I don't need reinforcement of that label.

And I don't need *hugs*.

And I don't need anything at this time
other than acceptance
without judgement
and without the transposing of other people's thoughts across my actions
as my actions are my own
and your thoughts are your own
and there is usually
so little understanding
or so much tainting from your beliefs and experiences
that rarely does the latter
have even the slightest resemblance to the former.

So, strong I am,
and strong I will be
for, now, even when
I don't feel strong
or I don't want to be strong
that is a strength in itself
and that is something that I accept
as part of me
that exists beyond ego
and rejects all energy
that looks upon that strength
in ignorance
and sees
anything other than something
to be proud of
and grateful for.

As I am.