More Grateful

Spending time outside
really seems to help
even when I don't want to be there
if there is a breeze
then I feel blessed.

Spending time inside
preferably wasting time on the computer
even when I should be doing something else
is how I would live my life
if I was alone
and I know that my life is meant for
more than this.

Spending time writing
allowing the spark
that comes easily in terms of flow
but with great difficultly in terms of time
reminds me how long things can take
but how much I love and value them
and how much they make me love and value myself.

Spending time sleeping
doesn't usually make me feel less tired
but it does make me feel
like I have invested in myself
and my health
and I cherish the days
that I can do this.

Spending time smiling
and reflecting on the things I am grateful for
warms my heart
and fills my soul
more and more these days
and every time this happens
I notice it
and am even more grateful.

Those Days

Sometimes
it's hard
not to start a post
with the word 'sometimes'.

Today
is one
of those days.

Sometimes
I can feel
the energy
that is generated
by the turning of the world
flowing all around me.

Today
is one
of those days.

Sometimes
it seems
like nothing will ever change
at the same time
that I realise
how much has changed
in such a short space of time.

Today
is one
of those days.

Sometimes
I get so caught up
in trying to work out
whatever it is
that I'm meant to be
working out
rather than
just getting on
with my one true purpose
which is
to just be me.

Today
is one
of those days.

Sometimes
I feel
a million miles away
from the people
I am closest to.

Today
is one
of those days.

Sometimes
I am so damn tired
and I don't even seem
to have done anything at all.

Today
is one
of those days.

Sometimes
I just can't help
wasting time
on things
and making myself
late for where ever I'm meant to be.

Today
is one
of those days.

Sometimes
I feel the irrepressible drawing
of addictions
in many forms
and I am consumed
by a burning passion
to submerge myself
in those desires.

And I am forever grateful
that today
is NOT one
of those days.

The Meanings

It's almost too hot to move
but move I have.

If only I could
maintain this level of motivation
every day.

Trying to avoid going outside.

Passed on a social event
that I was really looking forward to
and was keen to take the kids along to as well
and while I would have really liked to go
the ridiculously hot weather was the reason not to go
not an excuse not to go
and that is progress.

A little something
of the many things
that came from a recent
serendipitous encounter
was that I will get more at the minute
from doing things in the sun
rather than doing things under the moon
because the moon is also a mirror to the sun.

Is this talking about balance?

Is this talking about re-emergence?

So many things to contemplate
but I'm actually looking forward
to piecing together
the meanings.

Change It Now

I can't work out
if my life is currently
too complicated
or not complicated enough.

It's true that
the story of my life so far
is pretty complicated
(we wouldn't want it to be boring now, would we?)
but my day to day
of actual living
is no where near
as complicated as it has been in the past
and yet
I still have many days
where I feel like
I have been running
for a million years
and I am weary to my very soul
so that the simplest of tasks
is a momentous victory
and therefore
makes my life
appear to be a pathetic waste.

I've really felt
that this forced simplification
was the universes way
of giving me
the opportunities I need
to follow my path
but it has been ever so long now
and I know I have made progress
but that progress seems
so intangible to me
that I find myself
thinking about making
some really huge changes
and really shaking my world up
and turning it all upside down
so I can start with a clean slate
and put the pieces back how I want them.

But the reality is
that I have dependents
and I need to consider
the implications
of all I do
and how it will
affect them.

This has also been my choice.

But as I approach my 36th birthday
and realise
this has been my pattern of limitations
for half of my life
as I have been doing this now
since I was 18
it really worries me
and I don't know what to do
to change it now.