Go Away

Many challenges
have I faced;
each seemingly
more challenging
than the last.

A breakdown today.

Foreseeable, yes;
but only from the outside.

The world is not about
what is fair.

The big fish
will always try
to intimidate
the little fish.

But this is
just about
too much to bear.

Logical
does not always
prevail.

Personal vendettas
regardless of justification
have momentum.

With all that I am trying to work through
and all that my wonderful husband
is also dealing with
this is really
the straw
that may break
the camels back.

Strangers
writing non-truths.

Strangers
rebuilding
their own tainted and damaged selves
by focusing their hate and negativity
on the undeserving
because we are small
and have little to lose
which may also be everything
that we have.

Spending time
researching an alternate life.

Perhaps
this is what
was meant to be anyway.

Alcohol doesn't help.

Reaching out
and making plans
to help get me through
each day
that I may
have any chance of being
who I need to be
if he won't
ask for the help
that he needs as well
so that it will all be
just up to me
to support us both
through this travesty.

Something
that I am realising
again and again
is how much I downplay
major incidents
in my life
in an effort
to just get through them
and by denying the incidents
I also deny
my own right
to experience them fully
so they end up
accumulating
and developing into
the crucible
that I live each day.

How I wish
it would all
just go away.

At All

Control
is an illusion
but there is no reality harsher
than a reality
where there is no control at all.