No More

To stand so close
so far away
makes me stronger, sadder, bolder
and there's nothing that you say
in your silence
in your gloom
there's no action
justice not
for the absent part you play.

So take me in your arms
while you reject me in your heart
that doesn't even try to know
the soul
the spirit
never trie
from end to start.

An understanding
ever absent
ever longed for
never born
a youth unclaimed
a soul untamed
left to languish
peices torn.

Weeping nightfall
weeping dusk
weeping noon-time
weeping dawn.

Weeping heartbreak
weeping anger
weeping sorrow
weep no more.

Can do

When I bared my soul
you stood cold.

Did you smile?

Are you that
sadistic?

When I opened my heart
you willingly took
but with resentment
that has festered into blame
because your couldn't bear
to share.

You had to be the centre
you had to be the all
and rather than growing up
and learning about the world
you aimed for the closest target.

I was close
because I was there
but that is not even acknowledged.

You have cut off
those who don't worship you
because just liking you
is not enough.

They must bow down.

They must lift you above all else.

They must rebel
in vehemenent condemnation
without honest and fair representation
of the reality
so that you are seen as perfect
when perhaps you're just sick.

But I am not
the bad guy here.

I made mistakes
but they were honest ones
and the good
was far greater
so why don't you just
acknowledge that?

Giving of yourself
in practical ways
that have an underlying
yet undeniably narcissistic foundation
is not really
giving of yourself at all.

Giving of yourself
is opening up.

Is being vulnerable.

But that is a weakness to you
not a strength.

And you pride yourself
on hating those
who are able to do this.

And you are wrong.

But that doesn't mean
you don't have worth.

It is just a temporary state.

But it is one
that will remain
until you let it go.

You are holding on.

You are keeping it in the present.

I'm sure you hurt
but you have been offered
love
kindness
understanding
empathy
acceptance
yet you are do unwilling
to accept these gifts
and offer them in return.

We all have failings
and my youth
and struggles in the absence of support
have
no doubt
affected you
but can you just stop for a moment?

Can you just take a look around you?

Can you image the alternatives?

Can you see all that was done for you?

You are not asked to repay.

You are not asked to
make the same sacrificies.

You are not
held captive
to an unrepayable debt.

You are just asked
now that you are well beyond the age
and intelligence
and experience
and capabilities
to acknowledge
and to stop
the unfair
active
vehemenent hate
that drives your existence
and affects those
who love you.

But I am on the outer.

I am the stranger.

And there is little
I can do.

Absolute Turmoil

Feeling
In the full swing
Of life lessons.

Surely
All of this pain
All of this confusion
All of this struggle
Has a purpose
Has a reason
Has a blessing.

Why do I
Keep trusting people
Who let me down
Who betray me?

Is it my expectations?

Is it my view on life?

Is it my interpretation
Of my experiences
And how that relates
To what I observe?

Why do I evoke
Such an aggressive attitude
In others?

Why don't people
Understand
Trust
Respect
Accept
Acknowledge?

Why do I let people
Into my life
My experiences
But am not
Invited
Accepted
Into theirs?

Why do people
Shut me out?

Why are my intentions
Perceived so differently
By others?

Why do I not do
What I know in my heart
To be for
My greater good?

Why does the drive
For self sabotage
Dominate all else?

Why the struggle?

Where is the
Self-acceptance?

Life lessons.

Feeling confused
And guilty
That my life lessons
Seem so
Incongruent
With the real
Unchangeable
Uninfluencable
Struggles
Of others
Who share my timeline.

Am I living
In the future
Of our world
Or
Am I living
Too internally
Being too selfish
Too self-centered?

What I feel
I am giving
To others
To the world
Is not received
Is not accepted
Is not recognized
But more than that
It is shunned
It is rejected
It hurts
It causes conflict.

What are my gifts?

How can I give them?

I try
But I am misunderstood
In such a negative way.

Life lessons.

Lessons have a purpose.

They have a deliverable.

Why is what
I feel driven
Compelled
To give
Is so unappreciated?

Why are my gifts
My strengths
Not of benefit to others.

Every day
For as long as I can remember
I have felt out of step
And have felt the struggle
Of trying
And never succeeding
And of not knowing
If I should change
Or if I should try
To change the world.

Arrogant?

I don't know.

Somethings
Even the things
Within me
Don't make sense to me.

I try to live
Without the labels
But it is the labels
That help us make sense
Of our experiences.

I know I am difficult
For those around me.

I know
People feel insecure
Feel threatened
By things they don't understand.

But why do they
Judge me so harshly?

I believe in my heart
That I am good
That I am here for a reason
That I have something to give to others
But my experiences
My interpretation
Is so conflicting
To what is in my heart.

What I don't know
Amongt the multitude of things
That I don't know
Is how to exist
Day by day
With these unanswered questions
That fill me with
Such absolute turmoil.