Saturday, October 10, 2009

Lack of Concentration

Nearly another 12 hour sleep last night. Reality seems very fluid at the moment. Seeing more and more of the alternate life that I first glimpsed a few days ago and I want it but I don't want it at the same time. Further hurtful communications from my younger sister; I'm the horrible one, apparently, and I'm sure that's true to a point but I'm having difficultly working out exactly where that point is. With everyone, really.

Lots of dreams last night. I remember more of them than I've remembered on other nights recently. Getting jobs writing documents for a child care centre; parking my car near the beach and leaving my bag in a florists; organising money; trying to find a lost message from a dead friend and re-living memories of that time.

Am still sorting through things. Day by day things become clearer and I feel more awakened but still powerless to change anything because most good change happens slowly and I am impatient and lack concentration.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

What Tomorrow Brings

Yesterday morning I got through to 7am when the smiley monster climbed into my bed and still couldn't remember any of my dreams but then I drifted off and in that short 10 mins or so I had a terrible, terrible dream and the horror of it stayed with me for hours.

School holidays is not my favourite time. I fear it shows me up as a terrible mum because I don't really like to spend hours on end giving my children all of my attention. Don't get me wrong, we do stuff, and I am grateful to be home for them and have their friends over and things, I just feel like they demand more of me than I have to give most of the time.

On top of all this, I have received a few upsetting messages from my younger sister. I've been in self-defence mode with her for a while because I opened up to her at at extremely delicate time and I feel that she just used me so rather than tell her how I felt, which I have done in the past and as I don't feel she takes responsibility for her actions, neither of us end up any better off. But this last time was a really serious issue, or rather, two very serious issues, and I don't want to be in that situation again so i've just taken a step back. But she has decided to "fix" the problem my sending me messages that have been pretty offensive. I refrained from saying exactly what I was thinking in the first one but her second message was worse so I have opted for a more direct approach. I know it won't make any difference though. She has no concept of responsibility and is completely happy that way so will never understand that I have commitments and responsibilities and I make choices for people other than myself sometimes. Yep, it's not always fair, but that's life, isn't it.

Last night I slept for almost 12 hours and still don't feel much better for it. Let's see what tomorrow brings, hey?

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Able To Receive

Slept like a log. Literally. Didn't move all night and when I woke up around 4am my arms and legs wouldn't work because they had been in the one place for so long. Slept very deeply for a few more hours and woke up like I was still physically exhausted although my mind is reasonably clear in comparison.

I've been feeling a little surreal, like I am sort of experiencing another reality while living in this one. It is the one I caught a glimpse of a few days ago and it is achingly sad but intensely alluring.

I know I had lots of dreams last night but I can't remember any of them. I believe that a lot of the stuff we experience in our dreams is important and can be helpful in our conscious lives so it's extremely frustrating to feel like I'm being told some really important stuff at the minute but I'm not able to receive the information.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Winging It

Things are speeding up and I'm feeling like I'd better tighten my grip or else I'll end up falling off the ride. I think it's ok, though. I think I'm ready but if I'm not then I think I'm up to the task of just winging it.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Lessons of Life

A change of pace this weekend, to the extreme, and feeling a lot better with a double helping of perspective. Have had a glimpse into the future, just not sure which dimension this future was from. Could be this one. Maybe. Starting to set the wheels in motion. Thinking very much about the threefold law of return - that all actions and thoughts are energy and all energy you send out to the universe will come back to you threefold. Have spent time with some interesting characters this weekend and was very conscious of the energy from the choices of each. All of it part of the lessons of life.
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