A Wonderful Thing

Six months ago
I wasn't ready
for this outcome.

The entire possibility
seemed so entirely impossible
but it became
very much a reality
very quickly
and for some
just too, too much.

But as heartbreaking a journey
this has been
for me
and for many whom I love dearly
my pragmatic side
is well and truly
in gear
and I am seeing
once again
the present
for what it is.

Necessary.

A strength to build upon.
The right time.

A new beginning.
Positive progress.
The reason and sense to all our yesterdays.

And as much as I
as well as many others I'm sure
wish it were different
the fact is
that it is not.

Could is have been different?
Absolutely!

But should it have been different?
No way.

When I look back
at the ages
and stages
and phases
of my life
and see the last few years
and the many
many
many
journeys I have been experiencing
and then I compare those
to the one I have been on
just in the last six month
when I have had to choose
to work towards
what so many times
seemed like an impossibility
and when my faith waned
my resolved strengthen
not because I thought
what I was doing
would effect the outcome
but because I was doing
what I believed in
and what I believe in still
regardless of the outcome
and even when questioning faith
I was still acting on my choices
and where there was little else
to have faith in
having faith in my own resolve.

And I can now say
that I have done all I could do
and so have you
and that is a wonderful thing
and should be rejoiced
not mourned
and we should be grateful
and I know you are
and I want you to know
that I am, too.

But truth be told
I am tired.

I am so tired
in so many aspects of my life
and there are some that I just have to
keep juggling
but this one
I now know
after the last few years
of training and study
that I can still juggle
but with much more
flexible boundaries
and I am still worried
that I will fail
but less worried
than I have been in the past
because these last few years
and particularly these last six months
have proven to me
what I had lost faith in
after years and years
of travelling
just a few feet off my true path
and that is
that I can choose.

So, today I choose
support
loyalty
friendship
to you
and to me
and while I may not be able to do that for you
exactly how you need me to
that means I can also recognise
that sometimes you may not be able to do that for me
exactly how I need you to
and through that
I see
that we are
truly
doing the best we can
and that is
truly
a wonderful thing.

The World Instead

So, after thinking I had things sorted out
I tried them on
and didn't like the way they felt either.

So am now even more confused.

And still in a constant state of overwhelm.

And now it's school holidays
and I have kids to entertain
and I have been taking on more and more
and all of the things I have been taking on
are things that I love
and things that I want to do
but I am feeling a little
well
you know
overwhelmed

and none of it is hard
it's just that one of the things
that I am struggling with
more than normal
at the minute
is motivation
just one of the side effects
that harmonises too well
with my natural tendencies

and I really feel like having a whinge
but I won't
because it would only really be seen as just that
a whinge
and wouldn't serve any constructive purpose

It's like I'm expecting people to read my mind
and thats not cool
and is really quite unfair
but that's how I feel
and I think it's better than whinging
so that's how I'm going to be

Other than confused and overwhelmed, that is.

So, it's time to put my head down
and my bum up
and just do what needs to be done.

I don't like Option A
and I don't like Option B
so I'll just have to change the world instead.