Thursday, April 14, 2011

Be Seen

I've been dazed and confused
for so long it's not true.

Once passionate
my whole being
seems to have slowly but surely
faded into a faceless stream of placidity.

Yet I have noticed
some things
have really pushed my buttons recently.

Not that I am outwardly angry.

It's like I am having these feelings
but it has been so long since I felt them
that I no longer remember
what to do with them
so they whirl around inside me
and bounce off the walls
trying to get me to react.

But I don't.

Then
through this tumultuous calm
I see the point.

A realisation
opened to me
by the emotions
that are felt
without the clouding
of the physical
and I see
that it is a clue.

Something to point me
to drive me
to tell me
what I can
and should
be doing.

But do I have the energy?

Do I have the motivation?

Do I have the time?

In all honesty
I truly believe
that I do have all of these
if I only choose to find them
but whether or not I will do this
remains to be seen.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

My Existence

Masks.

Something we all wear.

They make us feel safe.

But they also
make us feel
other than ourselves.

We take them up
and don them
willfully
instinctually
and yet
we long to take them off
to expose ourselves
for who we really are
to the rest of the world
and perhaps also to ourselves.

But are the masks necessary?

Do we wear them
for a good
and positive
reason?

Is this yet another case
of being careful
what we wish for
when we wish
for a world
where we can live
without masks?

For the last few years
I have been pealing away
layer after layer
of the masks I wear
most of which
I didn't even know existed.

And I didn't really like
what I was left with.

With my mask
went my motivation
to maintain
self esteem
self respect
standards.

It has only been recently
that I have come
to appreciate
the masks
as a means
to smile
and to brighten the days of others
and to work hard
when I would otherwise
have no reason
and would aim
merely for the lowest standard
which is some kind of instinct
and is on some level who I must be
but it just feels so wrong
so bad
so depressing
that I need
to break it's hold
and to put my mask back on
and respect my mask
not as something that I hide behind
but as something
that is formed from my own face
my own heart
my own mind
my own soul
and which reflects me
and which maintains me
and which stops me
from sinking
deeper and deeper
into the doldrums
of the non-existence
of my existence.
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