Not Quite

Am waking up
exhausted
and this morning
woke up
with a headache.

How does that happen?

Busy dreams
I can remember if I try
but not for long
and I don't even have the energy
to try most of the time
and I don't think that it is necessary
to remember them
which is very different
to what I usually think.

Transcending,
yes.

I don't believe
that astral travel
should make you tired.

I believe
that astral travel
should allow your physical body
an escape
and a chance
to thoroughly relax
but perhaps the intent
needs to be applied beforehand
and as I still don't even know
if that is where I have been
of a night lately
I therefore had no warning
that I was possibly going there
so could not prepare.

I may try it tonight anyway.

This is what I have been asking for
this is what I have been inviting in
and I am happy that I am progressing
and I don't feel fear
or anxiety
or even real curiosity
just a comfortably knowing
that I am where I am meant to be
in the ways that matter
for me
at the moment.

Am feeling
exceptionally unmotivated
on a physical level
making me think
that I am very lazy
but making me hope
that I need this
inactivity
on a physical level
so I can do the work
I need to do
on a spiritual level.

I have work to do today.

I look around me and see
just little things
that I know I can do
but somehow struggle to do
just little things
that seem like enormous things
and I just want to sleep some more
and go where I need to be in my dreams.

I have no appetite for the real world at the moment
and the more I struggle with this
the less interested I am
in the things I see around me
and I sleep soundly
though my mind is active
and I feel so drawn
to sleep
and so close
to greater understanding.

And even still
there is something
that keeps me from climbing
into bed
each night
although
I'm still getting
six or seven
hours sleep
each night
I know I could easily do
ten or twelve
and I'm not
particularly enjoying
wasting time
awake
and I am
particularly enjoying
sleep
even though it is busy
and tiring
at the moment
but still I don't want to let go
of the day that was.

Why would this be?

I almost accept
that I will never know
and never understand.

Almost
that is
but not quite.

To Believe In

The worst part about it
is knowing that it is normal
or
at least
believing it is normal
based on the deductions
that my experience
and reasoning
lead me to
because
that means
even if I wanted to
it cannot
be changed.

Although that is
of course
following Wendy Logic
so is not always
the basis on which
the rest of the world
operates.

The word
that felt right recently was
displaced.

This is something that perhaps many feel
from time to time
or
maybe more often
or
maybe constantly.

There are connections
but at these times
of displacement
I feel that the connections
with people
are a greater illusion
than any other thing
that I
have ever
believed in
despite the niggling feeling
in my core
beyond my conscious level of belief
that it really still could be
an illusion.

And I understand why.

And agree that it is a good thing
a wise move
in the wise guy's plan
so that we can always have
a glimmer of hope
that through the pain
of any loss
we remember that
we are
independent
individuals
and this is the spark
from which we realise
that we can chose
to go on.

Sometimes
we choose to sever the connection
sometimes
it is severed for us
suddenly
or
over time.

It doesn't matter how.

And all connections in between
are preparing for that time
are guarding us against co-dependence
and whispering to us
in the dark
and the quite
that the nature of the world is mutable
that it must change
as must we
and all of our connections
over time.

And we feel like living in fear
of that time
when we should be
revelling in
the beauty of the connection
while it is still
tangible to us.

But it is so hard
to unsee and unknow
what we have already
seen and known
and if we could
unsee
and
unknow
then it would be by some dastardly stroke
that would be worse than
the seeing and the knowing
ever were.

So
putting that outlet aside
we just have to
look at the connections
the relationships
the friendships
the networks
the support
the investments in people
as temporary
and it makes it really hard
to feel
anything
other than
displaced.

I'm not part of this
and
that that has always been the case.

That feeling of belonging
is very specific
custom made
for the differences
in each person
though
I'm sure
is entirely attainable
for some.

I even have a memory
but I don't think it is
really
my
memory
of belonging
of a beginning
that I was part of
that I was comfortable in
that existed
in some special form
only because
of my energy
and how it
connected
with other energy
in some way.

It has moved on now
of course
as I probably knew
it would
at the time
but that time
is a long
long
time from
this time
certainly not
in my lifetime
or even if
for the sake of the argument
I accepted
individuals as having had
previous lifetimes
then
its not from that time
either
but
it is part of this memory
that we all have access to
and that which creates
a longing in our hearts
and is the reason
that we reach out in the first place
and is the reason
that we try to fool ourselves
into believing
the connection is real
and unbreakable
and will not change
although
none of these things
are true.

So
I'm standing on the outside
looking in
and I can't work out
whether I even
want to be in there at all
but knowing that it is lonely out here
and suspecting
that it is probably also
lonely in there
and not understanding
the rejection
the lack of acceptance
why I am not included
why there is a barrier
that I can only think
is one that I put there
and that people see
without even realising
that they can see it
and it makes the connection
that is just an illusion
even harder
for me to believe in.

Through Life

Still silently observing
but with an enormous headache
that came on suddenly late yesterday afternoon
with dizziness
and nausea
but dissipated somewhat
so I could drive
and have my night out of the zoo
although it seems to have missed me greatly while I was away
so has returned again
today.

Pain is part of the transition process.
I believe this is what is happening now.
At least, that is what I am expected the universe to deliver.
Otherwise this is just pain by itself.

There are so many things about people that I don't understand.
And am losing the will to even maintain a slight curiosity for.
Is this part of moving into the age of Aquarius,
being more concerned with humanity as a whole
rather than the individuals within?

The messages I have been getting over the last few months
refer to Aquarius a lot, which
as an Aquarian and an ego-centric being
make me think of me coming into my own power
but perhaps it is broader than that
or perhaps it is both
broader
and
narrower.

Ego is on my mind a lot lately as well
more as a disturbance on the peripheral
but
as I notice it
it is clearly something that I need to reflect on
or reflect within
and assess.

I notice that some people have no hesitancy in
or sometimes even no consciousness of
making something about them
or including themselves
in a focus of attention way
rather than a supportive way
or an understanding way
or an empathetic way
just pure self-promotion.

Is this a bad thing?
Well, maybe, maybe not.
Who am I to judge the truth in that?

Sometimes it may hurt
or annoy
but isn't it all about
each person just trying to make their own way through life
and some people
need
more than others
sometimes
and other people
need
more than others
at other times.

We all need our ego
so that we can love ourselves
and therefore
accept love from others,
which is very important.

We shouldn't try to fight our egos
or repress them.
They are there for a reason.
And the reason is our own mental and emotional health.

But that is achieved only when we have balance.

Suppressing ourselves
does not create balance.

Being ourselves
with honour
and truth
and temperance
creates balance.

But all of these things
are created from within
and don't need
repeated and endless
pushing of ourselves
on others.

Be you
and let me be me
and feel free to take a step back
from me
if me being me
is not about you being you
because
when you step forward at those times
you may tread on the toes
of someone else
who
like you
is just trying to make their own way through life
but your journey
is not their journey
and never will
nor should it
be.

Look after your ego.
Let it do it's job
of looking after you
but
try
to be mindful
of the power of ego
and
the effect it can have
on other people's egos
and the path
we all weave
through life.