Vulnerability

Because we exist we are vulnerable, but how we express, or suppress, our vulnerability varies greatly.

This post had been building inside me for some time so I hope I give it justice on this lonely Tuesday night come Wednesday morning.

Studies of our hard-wiring and our human instincts reveal that there are some things that we, as human beings, just *like*. Doe-eyed, pouting and seemingly helpless females are undoubtedly annoying to some (like myself), yet powerfully magnetic and attractive to others. I would put it that those who find these stereo-typed beauties insulting and offensive are typically women who have worked hard to build up their own wall of self-protection and denial. I count myself as no exception to this rule.

While watching 'The Castle' for the umpteenth time on the weekend, I was again reminded of the first time I saw Sophie Lee on TV. She was hosting an afternoon kids cartoon show, Warner Brothers I think, and she was the absolute most nervous person I had ever seen on TV. I remember thinking to myself that she'd be gone and forgotten in a week. But, somehow she survived, and week by week she became less nervous, but she was, despite her ongoing presence, never what I would consider to be an entertaining host. Obviously, the Australian public saw something that I didn't and while she never achieved huge acclaim, her success does, in my opinion, support the principle I am exploring in this post - that of the irrepressible attractiveness of vulnerability.

Do you consider yourself to be a vulnerable person? Some do and use it to their advantage. Calista Flockhart is another one that I loathed at first sight that seemed to 'hit a nerve with the viewers' that warranted her extended invitation to our loungerooms over the last decade (although I do so love her in 'Brothers and Sisters'). She is vulnerable with her slight frame and he hollowed facial features, but flighty, and providing, in some instances, an admirable sense of self-assuredness to balance that vulnerability. Oh, to be able to pull of that slight of hand!

It seems to me that we choose the amount of vulnerability we display to the world. Isn't is most girl's fairy tail to be swept of our feet by a handsome prince on a white horse? How can we do this if we are standing up against our 'expected image' of being the damsel in distress?

But do we take it too far? Do some people not see our vulnerabilities and mistake us for hardened? Insensitive? Overly independent? What knight wants to rescue a princess who can fight her own battles and won't need her to stimulate his hero-complex throughout the rest of his days?

And here we come to the crux of the matter. We don't want to be vulnerable but we turn people away with our strength. We strive for equal opportunities and self empowerment but subconsciously, due to our genetic hard-wiring, we are no longer viable candidates for a give and take relationship as we don't need so others won't allows them into our circle of need.

It's a hard line and I don't know how to be any other way but I am not vulnerable. But, that doesn't mean I don't need. Because I can be strong it doesn't mean that I never need support. Because I can make hard decisions it doesn't mean that I don't agonise over them and wish there really was a path of least resistance. Because I can continue with life in the face of devastation does not mean that I am not torn apart by the harsh realities of this world.

And so, for me, I guess 'vulnerability' is not a word that springs immediately to mind when you see me but I am human, and vulnerability is a human quality. We are none of us immortal and we all feel the effects of the world in which we live, for better of for worse.

Therefore, forgive me for the image I project for that is who I feel safest to be today. For those who have seen me in moments of weakness, I am grateful, for you keep me real and are a reminder that I can be loved even when I don't feel worth in myself. And for those who feel the same way but never show it, know that you are understood by more people than you realise and that's ok because we each deal with things in our own way and when we are released of labels and can just be then we are truly free. Judgement of ourselves is the burden for others to bear. Let them classify as they need to for the world to make sense to them but let us just be who we are, vulnerable or not, and replace second-guessing of others with pride for who we are and all we survive each day.

Experience as a Resource

Forgot to mention that on Sunday one of our regulars at church did the sermon. He's very smart and funny, using some pictures from The Brick Testament as well as a few of his own gags so I was much happier that in previous weeks. Selfish? Maybe, but I was really starting to worry again about why I was going there so I am taking this as a sign that I am making the right choices.

There are actually a few other things that I can feel building around me that seem to be very much related with my previous feelings and with this confirmation. I am scared but quietly excited at the possibilities. I am also reminded of one of my previous posts:

"Every second of my past experiences are a resource for my present opportunities and the keys to my future successes."

Hmmm, yes, very much so.

Trying Something Different

Have given the old blog a bit of a facelift. Looking forward to continuing to make changes from time to time. Yes, I know I'm a comfort zone person, I like to work on things until they are exactly how I like them and from that point I figure, well, why would I change it if it is exactly how I like it? But, I change, as do we all, and sometimes we don't acknowledge it or we are working against that change and I'm pretty sure that's not how it's meant to be.

Yes, pretty deep words for 45 seconds worth of colour changes. Image what I'll waffle on about when I change the layout or something *huge* like that.

Speaking of huge, my three year old cracked me up this morning by saying "Mummy, now I have a big willy!' when doing his morning wee. At first I couldn't imagine what was going on in his mind and didn't know whether or not to be concerned about something inappropriate someone may have said to him. But, as it turns out, there is a very logical link (perhaps he has inherited some Wendy logic?). He has been out of nappies for a while by his own choice during the day and the night but recently he has not been doing so well during the night so we have been working on encouraging him to do really big wees before he goes to bed, which are, naturally, accompanied by much praise. So, in his mind, he has associated doing big wees with having a big willy. Tee hee, he's a funny little soul.