Deserve That

Little pockets of anger
have become
my newest companions.

Perhaps it is because
I have denied them for so long.

Perhaps I have been blind.

Perhaps I didn't feel
like I was worthy
of getting upset over.

But now
it is invading
my sleep
as well as my waking moments.

I think you will feel
like I have abandoned you
rejected you
but the real problem is
I feel
abandoned and rejected
by you.

Family is a strange beast.

A strange beast indeed.

For people we know
and who we know
know us
and who our rational mind
tell us
that when we are apart
we do not need
one another
our subconscious
tells us
a completely
different
story.

Family
is who we are connected to
despite the reality
of who we are
and sometimes
when we feel
we cannot heal
the wounds of family
we know
in our heart of hearts
that we cannot escape them either.

Tonight
I sit in silent contemplation
and wish you well
as much as
I wish you wished me well.

I really think we both deserve that.

The Case

Feeling like
I have admitted
and accepted
defeat.

Knowing that
the choice is no long mine
no longer in my power
and that
handing this over
have been my failing
and entirely my doing
because I couldn't do enough.

Fearful that
things will get better
at the same time as
being fearful that
things will get better
and that the only way
that this can ever happen
is totally beyond my ability.

Wishing that
all I am
would be enough
but feeling that
this will never be the case.