Many Levels

A painful night
means not enough sleep
means grumpy me.

Having a whole list
of things to do
and adding to my normal
(whatever THAT means)
lack of motivation
is my grumpiness
and today has been
uber unproductive.

Apart from work
which I usually quite like
buy whick today I loathed.

One of the products
of being grumpy.

Pain set in again
with the setting sun.

No dancing around the issue -
straight to the pain relief.

Why do I have such a strong inclination
to typically resist
taking any pain relief?

It's like
before I take it
there is always another
possibility of relief
but there is the constant fear
that if I take it
and it doesn't work
then that is the end
of all posibilities of relief.

Irrational, I know.

But that is just me
on so many levels.

Know

Where is the relief?

A pause
a break
a respite
but without change
there is no relief
for the world continues to turn
and life goes on
and with it
the incessant thoughts
of my cluttered mind.

I've heard change
described as something
that occurs in an instant
but in truth
most change
takes time
but we still so often seek
the instant gratification
that we an imagine
without the boundaries of time.

And change is not always lasting
so it seems
that when some things change
and then revert
the change brings regret
and dashes the hopes
that were held
when the potential of change
was first dreamed of.

Where is the relief?

I do not know.

Not Fair

I hate ANZAC day.

It's not that I'm not patriotic.

It's not that I am not grateful.

It's not that I am selfish.

It's just that I can't see past
all of the atrocities
all of the lives destroyed
all of the lies
the pain
the loss
the waste
the fear
the blood
the cripling effects
that live on
and continue to scar
generation after generation.

I am a child
of a Vietnam Veteran
and I have grown up
with a father
who continued to serve
in the army reserve
while I grew my awareness
of the far reaching ripples
of the propaganda
and stupidity
that so many people suffered because of
except for those
who were really at fault.

One of my strongest values
is a great vehemence for war
and everything it entails.

I wish for a world
where war could not exist.

War epitomises
the dark side
of the human spirit.

That I have never had to
stare down the barrel of a gun
at another human being
and feel the need to kill
is the only thing I am grateful for
when it comes to ANZAC day.

I am not proud
of a country
who committed human lives
that were not thiers to give
and who destoyed so much
to so many people
and expected everyone to move on.

There are no positive feelings for me
when it comes to ANZAC day.

Just sadness.

And reminders
of the realisations
I grew up with
and knowing
that for so many, many more
my realisations
were their reality.

And that's not fair.