Thursday, November 19, 2009

That Is A Good Thing

Have had a very stable last few days, which is great. Have also been exceptionally busy - for some reason I have managed to end up with back to back things from the start of each day until bed time and for the most part I'm really loving it. I still don't think I'm particularly motivated and there are so many things that I am still not getting done but I feel like I am living and am getting a really great balance between my responsibilities to others as well as my responsibilities to myself. Two of my biggest downfalls are my lack of will power and my inconsistency but as these haven't always been part of my personality then I don't see why they really need to be any more and it's time to redress the balance, me thinks.

Something that I am exceptionally happy with at the moment is that I am going horse riding. This is something that I have always loved but as I have gotten older it has become harder and harder to find the time and money. I have a friend who has two horses, one is hers and the other she bought for her son but he has lost interest so they aren't getting ridden as often as she would like. I went out for a ride with her on Saturday and again by myself today and just loved it. Some people are really protective about other people riding their horses but my friend is just so casual about it and is happy for me to take either of her horses out any time using all her gear and everything, even if she is not there. I've been riding a three year old filly who needs a fair bit of regular work but we've gone well together so far, even though I'm not a terribly well experienced rider and she is the youngest and most feisty horse I've ever ridden, but I'm keen on working with her more to get her to be a more settled and obedient ride.

I've also been very acutely aware lately about God working in my life but now my thoughts are starting to turn to what it is I can be doing to return the favour, as it were. There are ways that I want to serve God and I have been incorporating them into my life over the last few years particularly but I'm really starting to doubt that they are the things that God really wants me to be doing any more. I'm positive I am building important skills and experiences that I will need in the future but I am increasingly of the opinion that I need consider doing some things differently. I'm spending a lot of my prayer time of late trying to work towards whatever it is I need to be doing but I think I am still a ways off knowing. For now, I'm good with just acknowledging the amazing power of the divine, living in gratitude as much as possible and being open to my destiny. This is a big thing I guess because I've always had the jury out on whether everyone actually has an important destiny to fulfil. Definitely a time for learning lessons and I have to believe that that is a good thing.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

So Be It

I had a huge attack of self-doubt today and I found myself reflecting on how many of us go through those times when we just want someone wise and insightful to pick us up and tell us what we need to do from here. Sometimes I don't even know what I need to make a decision about let alone be able to get to the point where I can actually chose the right path and I think it's pretty natural in those times to wish for some kind of guidance or instruction so we can take a step back from the responsibility of stuffing up our own - and sometimes even other people's - lives. It's then, somewhere in that moment, that I remember that I ain't so good at following orders and even if there was someone to do that then I'd probably still march to the beat of my own drum.

I got to that stage today relatively quickly for me, which was good, but draining to go through so many emotions in such a short space of time - and it probably wasn't too much of a picnic for the rest of the zoo-dwellers here either! From there I stepped into action and got a few of those nagging projects that had been sitting around and glaring at me from little piles of mess about the place completed and also got a start on tidying the lair - a project that seems to grow by the day as I move 'To Do' items out of the general traffic areas of the home and out of sight though not quite out of mind into that room.

I am a bit like a pendulum at the minute, swinging on one side from feeling overwhelmed just trying to get through the mundane chores that fill my life these days while the brilliant and imaginative minds of certain people around me keep coming up with brilliant and imaginative ideas which, due to their brilliant and imaginative brain process, they are completely powerless to take any practical action on and which, therefore, invariably result in more work for me and then swinging to the other side where I am convinced that I am inherently and hopelessly lazy and am wasting my life and the opportunities that I am being offered right now with my current circumstances through lack of action and motivation. And, if you think that sentence was a difficult to read, just think how it feels for me to have a barrage of that and other similarly complication thoughts occupying the void between my ears through ever waking moment and seemly quite a few while I'm asleep as well it seems.

I'm finding it difficult to type tonight to the point where I am seriously contemplating sending in a "thank you, God, for spell-check" comment to the 'Jesus, All About Life' campaign - well, maybe I wouldn't go that far but I'm sure you get my point. It's not just the typing, there are really common words that are just coming out jumbled because that is the way my brain is thinking them down to my fingertips and directing them onto the keys - like before, I tried to spell picnic as picknick. I think that's called: crazy-arsed, tired and stressed out Wendy-logic. Whatever it's called, I do believe it is more of a calling - and that is for me to stop typing now and go to bed. So be it.
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