Company

Today is
bright and shiny
for me
and for that
I am so very, very grateful.

There are
of course
things going wrong
in my life
in the lives of my friends
and in the world in general
such as there is everyday
but today
I seem somehow better equipped
to live amongst these things.

What has made today different?

Or, more accurately,
what has made today the same
but me different?

To be honest
I just don't know.

Does it matter what is different?

Well, in a way, it really does,
because without knowing what is different
I won't know what I need to change
next time I am feeling down.

There are certainly
tricks
I can use
to try to ward off
the darkness
but do any of these really work?

Clearly I'm not of the kind of disposition
to just stop questioning and accept
so in the absence of answers
I will continue with all of my many questions
to keep me company.

To Stand

It occurs to me
today and many other days past
that in the last few years of my life
I have been in a kind of recession
in that bit by bit
the universe has worked
to change my life
and I have felt that involvement
so strongly
and even at terrible times
I have felt a contentment and trust
that what was happening
was happening for a reason
and even during the times
when I no longer cared
what that reason was
what I was doing
was actually rejecting
what I knew was true
not changing my beliefs
so that even though
I truly believed
there was a purpose
and a reason
I had chosen
in those dark times
to refuse to take part.

It's amazing to realise
that even after years and years
of things not actually getting better
and of separating from my beliefs
that they still existed
and are still here waiting for me
as I start to emerge.

But over these last few years
it seems that as a direct result
of the pressures and
my great strength that became my great weakness
things have changed in my life
and I have always known
that I was where I was meant to be
and have had peaks and troughs
in many different things
there has been a massive downward trend
in a lot of the pressures
and I have developed the habit
of working to further reduce and protect
my existence.

Now, with a book
that is not particularly famous
interesting
or relevant
but is one that I know
I would usually chose
to protect myself from
I have instead found myself
listening to and acting on the synchronicities
and have decided to seek out
and read this book
even though it contains
some of the most horrendously true attrocities
and I don't really need to read it
somehow I actually do need to read it
and there is a fear within me
that I am not ready
and that I never really was ready
or ever really will be ready
and that everything is just easier
when I bury my head in the sand
and pretend bad things don't exist
when the truth is
I know they do
and I feel unable to accept
that living in this world
is an acceptable option
but never the less
I am reading this book
and I know what happens
and how it ends
and none of it is good
yet still I read
bit by bit
and
it occurs to me
that reading this
may help rebuild the wall
of who I am
in the place
where the wall
of who I need to hide away
used to stand.

But Me

Today I have noticed
that there has been a change in tone
in some of the memories
that I have been
holding in my hand
and against my heart
as I have been taking
my usual trips down memory lane.

As usual
I have been revisiting
many different
trials and tribulations
and I remember being angry at the time
or resentful
or disappointed
and looking back
sometimes in regret
sometimes in remorse
sometimes still in anger
but always with at least one eye
focused squarely
intensely
and critically
on myself.

This
of course
has resulted over the course of many years
in a weakening of the walls
only now I am realising
that I had every right to build those walls
and that many of them
made me who I was
and that tearing them down
brick by brick
at a time in my life
when I hadn't even had the chance
to build them fully
was a huge disrespect
to myself as a person
and has had a huge impact
on the state I now find myself in.

It is good to be looking at these challenges
with the benefit of hindsight and maturity
and seeing them for what they were
and that is totally fucked up
and more to the point
totally not my fault.

I haven't always believed
that I did the best I could
because even though
I knew with all honesty
how hard I was trying
and how much I cared
I was still somehow
demanding and expecting
more of myself
and that wasn't right.

Now I can see
and I can truly feel
and I can also accept
that I did do my best
and my best is actually
quite fucking awesome
and even if it wasn't properly understood
or appreciated
or just simply all I could do in a terrible situation
those short-falls were not my short-falls
and I should have still been able to
wear my thoughts and actions
with pride and honour
because it was who I was
and more importantly
it was who I was meant to be
and who I was meant to continue to grow into.

In all my many, many hours
of wallowing in what never was
rarely am I
so forgiving of myself
as I have found myself being today.

It has always bothered me
when I see people
who have been horrendously treated
returning to those who have hurt them
on the basis that
for them
true forgiveness
is only possible
when the person who has caused the pain
is part of your life in a loving way
and I'm not sure
if it bothered me
because I felt it lacked self-respect
or because I felt some things should not be forgiven
or for any other number of reasons
and I was told recently
that it was perfectly okay
for me to be bothered by this
because this solution did not have to "fit" me.

Knowing this was a huge relief
and now I find that I am taking the next step
and rather than trying to work out
how I can forgive some things of others
I have actually been able to
turn the concept of forgiveness
back onto myself
and I am starting by forgiving me
which is a huge and surprising step forward
and I know that I still have such a long way to go
but it feels kind of like hope
to consider a future
where I don't have to carry
all of the blame that I had taken on
and to be able to consider a future
where I don't need
to rebel against judgement and condemnation
and to strive for
acceptance and validation
from anyone else but me.