I Have Achieved

Why is it that there is such a mismatch between what we know we should or shouldn't do and what we actually end up doing?

I am having a very down day today. We need to spend $3000 on a reconditioned gearbox for The Starchild's truck and he also wants to spend another $850 on a clutch (nothing wrong with the current one but apparently clutches and gearboxes have a similar lifespan and are in the same place so it's easy to do them both at the same time and reduces the risk of additional costs and down time if the clutch goes in a few weeks). We don't really have the money but we will be doing our typical beg, borrow and steal tricks to get through. I should be grateful that we have options but all I can think of is how we haven't bought any Christmas presents and I don't have a job and there doesn't seem to be any way we will be able to get any money to fix everything up. Where's that glass half full person hiding today?

I just don't understand that I felt in my heart that things would be ok and this seemed to be supported by a number of different signs and omens. I know it hasn't been very long and I'm not expecting some sort of miracle but I didn't think things would just keep getting worse and worse. I had felt so balanced and now I feel so out of alignment.

I've had some recent calls from friends in need emotionally and I really feel like I have helped them but there's a little part in side of me that considers these situations and keeps telling me that I would prefer it if I could just not be involved with anyone else's problems. Some days I am so ok no matter how bad things seem and others I am thinking the worst. I wish I understood what makes each and then I could try to control it better. I guess I really know that the only difference between a good day and a bad day is your attitude and I believe I have full control over what I think but, like I say, there is a big difference between what we know and what we do anyway.

I feel so unproductive and as I look around at all of the things that I want to do, all I can think of is curling up in a little ball. Well, that's not all I can think of but it's probably the most socially acceptable of them all.

So, I really want to eat and I would really like to drink. Am thinking of a red bull but would dearly love to add a nip of vodka. So, I have neither. I feel like this is a test but I'm not convinced that passing it will make things better in any way. I feel fat and that makes me feel like a weak-willed failure. I have no job and that makes me feel like an unworthy failure. I have a messy house and that makes me feel like a lazy failure. I had cranky words with Craig and that makes me feel like a lonely failure. I have no money and that makes me feel like a futureless failure.

I really hope this post is going to be what I need to change things around. I hope that I can pour
out all of my negativity into cyberspace and then get my day onto a more positive track. And I know that I can do that if I want to. And I know that I am stubborn, which is a dark side trait but one that can be used for great good, like in my current situation. I can stubbornly refuse to succumb.

So, do to that I will use an affirmation that I can chant in my head over the next few hours, which will a) bring positive energy and b) drown out the mind chatter. Starting now: "I am surrounded by positive light; positive energy flows through me".

Next, I will make a To Do list for today. It's not too late. Here are the things that I will do as soon as I finish this post:

1. Hang out clothes
2. Exercise
3. Lunch
   
4. Shower
5. Fold clothes
6. Pack for weekend away

I know there are a gazillion other things that I want to do and that I will probably end up doing as well but if I do these six things then I will feel like I have achieved, and that's a good thing.

Tomorrow's a Brand New Day

Movies last night with the tea lady - I love her company. McCafe afterward - no Chai tea powder - what is going on in the world? I currently do not have a job and she currently hates her job. Therefore we will go into business for ourselves. Sounds like a wonderful plan - now we just need a business to go into.

Somehow or another the night ended with us having dreamed up a logistics company. I was scared and she was excited - so excited she didn't get to sleep until 3am. Today, things are starting to turn. I was extremely disappointed by the lack of support and and what I would call vehement poo-poo'ing of the idea by The Starchild before he had even heard it. Today he was more open with acknowledgment of the affect of lack of sleep coupled with antihistamines but still relatively closed, no apology and support still a promised conversation away. And the tea lady thinks I'm a glass half full person - phfithoui to that!

But I am increasingly excited about exploring the feasibility of the idea and have made an appointment at the Business Enterprise Centre for Monday week. I will have to ramp up the efforts to land some temp work in the short term so that will be tomorrow's task. Had Naykes home with a sore throat today and I took an antihistime that knocked me about a bit as well. The Starchild has a broked gear-box and the tea lady's husband is looking at it for him. Some strange things are happening to people at the moment, me thinks. My job and the gear box for us; the tea lady's husband just punctured his hand on a nail while working on their house; Binn's eldest broke half of his front tooth off by tripping over his own feet; the subdueance of the third triple trouble chicky (who I got a call from at home today, which was absolutely lovely and I really enjoyed and appreciated); the whole Stroud thing, which I still don't understand. I'm sure there are others as there is some really strange energy around at the moment.

I am so over the US election, yes Barack Obama won - and it would have to take some strange energy to have made that happen - but I am so over it anyway! Like anyone can tell whether this will be good or will be bad. I'd like to believe it is good but in all truth, I just don't know.

Planted my Beltane seeds in a pot outside today but will need to buy some more potting mix and do it properly. One of the giant goldfish in the pond died two days ago, which was also strange. I put a water lily clipping from the tea lady in the pond today so hopefully that will grow and flower. I will still buy some more floating fake flowers as well if i see them again as they do look so nice.

Going to Diamond Beach for two nights tomorrow - yay! I am so looking forward to it. I need to reclaim my will-power and I really hope this will be the start of it.

The house is a mess but I at least got the dishwasher run tonight. I need to find my motivation so I can get everything done I want to so we don't come back to a mess on Sunday. But now I'm really sure it is time for bed. Tomorrow's a brand new day, full of hopes and possibilities and sleep is something I really need to make a commitment to in order to look after my overall well being.

Introducing....

My gnome:




















I'm not in love with him (mayhaps that will come with time) as I suffer no illusions about my artistic abilities and the perspective in particular on this little guy is a reminder of their mediocrity but I love the fact that he is done - yippie for me and yippie for my gnome!

Dreams and Tarot with the Tarot of Dreams

I just remembered a dream I had last night and by the fact that it was so vivid and is still then I'm sure there is significance in it.

I was in the police force and was on some training base for new recruits. There were all sorts of initiations and behind the scenes peer tests and power plays and I seemed to stand up for myself when required and just ignore parts if I couldn't be bothered with. It all resulted in me being accepted as smart enough to work it out, tough enough to give it back, good humored enough to keep it running or laugh it off and focused and professional enough on the task at hand to put it in the back of the closet if I had other things I needed to get done.

I had a thought before about doing a tarot spread for myself and the urge just reoccurred to me. We did some card work at class last night and that was good.

Tonight I asked for three cards to tell me what I need to know and I drew:

VI of Wands
VIII STRENGTH
V of Cups

So, we have a five, six and a seven indicating that I am in the middle of something. It is a fairly life changing even with the major arcana card having been drawn in the middle and it is regarding action and resulting emotions.

The six of wands is a victory card but it is of public victory while the five of cups is about inner despair and heartbreak. It is my quiet, inner strength that is required to bring me to this victory but is also needed to hold me together through the inner turmoil I will feel because of this.

In all honesty I have absolutely no idea what issue this is about but it seems fairly solid as far a mini-story goes. I will think about this some more and see if anything starts to fit into place.

Tonight might be a good night to...

Melbourne Cup Day - the race that stops the nation in Australia. Although I abhor the whole whipping the horses to push them to their limits thing, they are such beautiful beasts and I am mesmerised by the way they move so this race always gives me a flutter in my chest. I remember when I first went to The Cottage having a series of vivid dreams with one of them something about a white horse rearing up on the road out the front (but in front of the school field, I think) on a horrendously windy night and a branch falling off the tree. There is an affinity there that touches my heart but which my head just does not understand.

US Presidential Election day has begun over there. Praying for safety coz there's some crazy fucks out there. I don't really have an opinion on who *should* win and what it will mean either way but America and the whole world are on the eve of another momentous moment in history potentially marking the start of a new era.

Had a moment of doubt at class last night over Assignment Part Two - Who are YOU? I didn't even read over the whole thing before I handed it in and having written the bulk of it while drunk I may not have applied all of the normal social filters - but I guess that is what the assignment is about. The issue is that I know it is good for me to explore these things but I don't know if they should be read by others, particularly ones who I am so confused about in terms of trust and friendship. I think that is also part of the confusion I have about letting ppl know about this blog. So, for a moment I was sitting there thinking to myself, "I'll just ask for it back. I know that if they can see I've done it but if I explain that I don't feel comfortable with anyone reading it then that will be ok." But I couldn't work out where that sat on the honesty scale - was I being honest enough or was I being too honest. Either way I decided creating a kerfuffle about it would be worse so I just left it handed in.

Then I read another YAAD'er blog where they had two issues - one was that they weren't in a fit state to be delving into those questions at this moment in their lives, but the other was that acknowledged that it could be helpful to answer the questions but they didn't know if they were comfortable with it being read. Apparently we should just be looking at this as a 'how far i've come since starting YAAD' reflection, and I'm cool with that.

Worked on my collages for my YAAD scrapbook. Just need to get a few more air pictures and then paste that one in and then I'm up to date. Didn't get notes for this lesson last night so am not yet further being in BOS and assignments are up to date - gotta count the wins as they come to me, baby.

Thinking tonight might be a good night to draw a gnome. Might see how I go with that now...

Assignment Part Two

Landscaper who was due on Friday is now going to come out tomorrow. Will be lovely to get some ideas happening but need the money to do it. Hopefully the quote will be reasonable and I will get a job so we can go ahead with it. Would really loooooovvve to get the back yard all sorted. Have trampoline already and have agreed on what we want to do where, now just need to make it happen. Surely it can't be that hard.

Went to Park Lea Markets today and bought some fake water lilies for the pond. They only had three white ones and I really want to keep the white and purple flower thing happening in the faerie garden so only bought the three but they look lovely. I hope they last! Will pick up some more if I see them.

One of my moss green tiger barbs did not look the best today. Sent it some energy but have to be careful with fish coz they're so little. I did like the guppies as am a fan of live bearers but at the same time I do like the other more aggressive fish - but not the angel fish as they trick you with their name and then eat the other fish, which is bad. Am glad to have taken the tank to the next stage.

Saturday saw a transformation in the lair as well. An alter seems to be taking shape quite by accident, but more of a decorative spiritual expression than entirely functional at this stage. Yes, "decorative spiritual expression" - that sounds about right.

My current status update on fb is "Wendy would like to know what I should program in as your custom ring tone on my phone...?" I wish I had a cool answer to that one myself. Will have to work on that.

Things are quiet in cyberspace. Would like to pontificate more but am limiting myself to writing about only those that I can come up with fitting psydonymns for. It's like a cosmic confirmation that I am ready to explore my thoughts in those areas. Suffice to say that I have been confused but now I am at the point where I am just happy to keep being me. I've invested a lot of time over the last few years and finding out who me is and I'm cool with that. I realise that some days I like me and some days I don't so it's entirely normal that other ppl will most likely be the same about how they feel about me. My focus is on being me, not being someone else's right or wrong perception of me based on their experiences and present issues. I'd also much rather put energy into how I can help, rather than how I can sulk. If I've misunderstood friendship (and I'm increasingly of the opinion that this is something everyone in the world does on a daily basis due to mixed messages and incorrect understandings of the complexities of human resilience) then I'm happy being the friend I want to be rather than the friend I'm perceived as not being. It's my opinion that the withdrawal from friendship is just another wall built as part of a self-defense mechanism. But that's just my opinion and it is as ill-informed as the wall builder would have it be.

But, because of all this, I have been thinking more about my guides and while I am not in a state of longing I would still really like to connect with them more. I know I will when the time is right and I worry that many ppl see their guides and angels in times of peril, which I don't want to invite into my life. Something that struck true (which I understand is the feeling of how guide sometimes communicate with us) is that my guides are all standing in a close outward facing circle around me. It's funny that my musical guest described her knowledge of mini curlz as clear communication from God. And she is not a freak or a weirdo and is entirely credible and balanced and one who I respect and love dearly, although has had some pretty serious issues when I come to think of it and has needed medical help to deal with them. I find that I am very much intriged by what these messages, regardless of who ppl think they are from, actually sound like.

A line on The Mentalist (not a very good show and one that I have only seen twice and not in it's entirity) was something along the lines that all psychics are either deluded or are liars. Isn't that interesting? I don't believe it's true but it's a very convincing line of thought, don't you think?

I'm sure there are many other thoughts and feelings that I'd like to explore but for now I just need to record that I have extended the hand of friendship to someone who may or may not consider me friend and there is a parallel family issue that I have been avoiding for more than two years now that I feel I am being forced to act on now. So act I will. And then I will start on part two of my assignment due tomorrow.