Friday, March 20, 2009

Pssst...I've Got A Secret

Wanna know what it is?

Ok, I'll tell you.

When I was growing up, I wanted to be a rock star.

Yeah, so, who didn't, right? And absolutely right you are to say as much. The secret is that I have never admitted that to myself until today. Sure, I thought about being a rock star and just tell me - who didn't dance around the their bedroom or lounge room with a make-shift mic rocking the house to their favourite bands at one point or another. But, I thought I was just mucking around and there was no chance in the world that I would ever become a rock star. This, I thought, was for the most part due to having no talent and a wholly unremarkable singing voice, even though so many others make it in spite or perhaps because of these traits. So, I didn't even think it was ok to dream of being a rock star as I had no idea what it took and no support or drive to get me to where it is that teen-aged rock stars are meant to be and the logical side of me constantly whispered failure confirming affirmation throughout every one of my performances.

Something I did know growing up was that I actually had no idea what I wanted to be or do with my life. I felt really lost and became quite resentful of a society that placed such unfair expectations on youths without giving them sufficient guidance to enable them to make the decision. Oh, if only I knew then what I know now.

With all of the realisations that I have been, well, realising as I get older, one thing is that nothing is impossible and it's ok to have multiple and even conflicting dreams. So, now that I'm all grown up, I've decided to claim the dream of wanting to be a rock star when I grow up. I don't care if it is silly or impossible or that it will never come to be to the level of the really famous rock stars, but I do care that it is something that I have always wanted and something that I would enjoy.

So, with the need for a YAAD dedication task at hand, this is what I am going to do. I'm going to perform. Yes, sing. And in front of real people, too. Nothing big time, mind you, but enough to tackle the fear of failing to ever become a rock star head on.

Now, I find myself looking back and thinking about the times I was picked to sing solo in primary school (ok, twice, and it was a very small school, but I'm still counting them) and how I loved being in the choir in primary and high school and how I really enjoy music with very basic keyboard skills and my sudden decision last year to learn guitar and I'm actually doing something about it.

Something else of note in this realisation is that this was something that I had to do myself. I really love the music at the church I go to so I thought I'd go down that route. I am quite good friends with the main singer and I have been tempted on several occasions to broach the subject with her as I felt I would also have her support as a friend, but had a strong sense that I really should talk to the leader of the worship team. Anyway, I ended up talking to the leader and she was very happy to have me on board. Then, when the word had gotten back to my singer friend, she told me how happy she was to have me joining them and how she was also going to ask me several times if I was interested. So, hats off to the universe for reinforcing the 'grab the bull by the horns and don't just sit back and wait for things to fall in your lap' message. You just gotta know what you want and make it happen yourself. Rally your resources by all means but don't wait for someone else to allay your fears and part the red sea to give you easy passage on the path of your dreams – that’s just not the way of the world, sorry folks!

So, last night was the monthly worship team meeting and off I went with my $35 purple ebay guitar and a keen heart. We talked mostly but we did a couple of songs and it was really great. It’s church camp this weekend (we aren’t going this year) so there won’t be a normal service but I’ll start to go to the rehearsals before service as of the following week and, before the 18th of April, I will sing. On the microphone. In front of real people. Woot!

Happy Mabon

Each morning when I wake up, I start with roughly the same routine. Firstly, I get out of bed. A good start indeed and one that I count as my first of many victories for the day, as it is not the easiest thing in the world to do sometimes.

Next, I open the blinds. I am so lucky not to have any across the road neighbours. In fact, I love where I live so much and think about so many of the things that I love about it daily. I think that's called stopping to smell the flowers. Speaking of which, I wonder how my Heidi-hi is going?

The day pretty much goes on from there as one would expect, so why the need to blog, I hear you sigh, I mean ask? Well, when I opened the blinds this morning, I saw fog. I love the fog and it is another reminder that again the wheel is a-turning and we are really in Autumn.

Not that Autumn is my favourite season (sorry, YAAD sisters). I actually have two favourite seasons, first is Spring and next is whatever season we are in at the time. It's kind of like the old football saying: I follow two teams - Souths and whoever is playing Manly.

Anyway, as the morning progressed, the fog lifted, but about an hour later when taking the widdies to school, a five minute drive took us back into the fog. I took a quick couple of snaps with my phone (therefore apologies in advance for the quality) and thought I might share these with y'all:

Brightest of Mabon blessings to everyone. Have a wonderful day!

Thursday, March 19, 2009

R-E-S-P-E-C-T, Find Out What It Means To Me

Detox day seven and am doing well. Have snuck in an milk arrowroot biccie (never sure how to spell bicky, bici, bicy, biccy - oh, you know what I mean) and two small pieces of beef from a yummy casserole I made tonight but I'm just such a good cook it was too hard to resist. Well, either that or I just needed a small but effective iron kick. Yeah, I think I'll go with that story.

Am thinking about respect today. This is another of those wonderfully subjective concepts that can cause havoc when misaligned. Why is it that sometimes we can get over slights on our respect scale but other days we feel the need to enforce the boundaries? Why is it also that the line in the sand that is drawn by us but also by those around us seems to be more pronounced at some times as opposed to others? And if we can get over things one day, why should we let them bother us so much on other days?

The key to it all, of course, is communication. That diabolical foe that lurks surreptitiously behind every cold shoulder yet pounces from the razors edge with fangs bared and talons drawn only to purr and sing and ponder and preach and question and query and quibble as it's whims may please?

Yeah, nah (that's one of my very most favourite phrases, by the way - so versatile!), sometimes communication is the key but it doesn't always fit the lock, or maybe there are so many doors that you never know which one it will open or what you will find behind each of them.

It's still a good place to start and I live in utmost hope that one of these days, just maybe, I will start taking my own advice.

Until then, I'm gonna keep doing the independent me thing and continue chasing the things that I believe I need in my life at the moment. The rest will sort itself out in time, I'm sure.

Here's to Awesome People

This award is from Jacqui over at Listening to Life. Most of you will know Jac already, but if you are yet to have the pleasure, do stop by and check out her very touching, insightful and real outpourings on life. She's one talented person and I really appreciate her making and passing on the 'Born to Blog' award.

Now, coz I'm not really a stickler for rules, unless, of course, they are my rules, in which case they are unwaveringly important and must be followed, to the letter, in every instance, and because Jacqui said it was ok, I'm gonna break with the normal blog award rules pretty much ala Natalie style and put this award up for grabs for anyone who feels they deserve it coz it's just too hard to nominate people.

Thanks again, Jac, and thank you to all of the other wonderful bloggers out there who are also Born to Blog.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Gear Shifting Bunnies

Day Five of detox; all going well. Bit headachey on the weekend but much gooderer now and even back on the exercise bike today.

Still talking to myself...

...and still stumbling over the keyboard...

...but have also started dropping things.


I hate being a slow learner - I wish I could just figure out whatever all this is meant to mean and get back to being me who can type with an acceptable balance of speed and accuracy and who can hold onto any chosen object without casting it to the ground, rather roughly (or 'wather woughly, centurion' for all of the Monty Python fans out there).

Oh, light bulb moment - getting back to being me has been in my thoughts a lot but only in the idle kind, not in the decisive kind that one acts on. Mayhaps that is what I need to be focusing on directly rather than sitting here like a rabbit staring down a headlight - y'know the lights gonna win unless you get your butt into gear.

Monday, March 16, 2009

...But Am I Actually Listening...?

My typing has been atrocious today. Having to re-type just about every second word.

I've also been talking to myself, which is not all that unusual, but today I have been doing it out loud.