In place

Trying to remain hopeful
Tring to remain open
Trying to remain optimistic
And listen to the messages
From the universe.

But struggling.

Realising today
That I am once again
reliant on the mask.

The mask that
I worked so hard
To live without.

That I was able to
Discard
Through acceptance of
And kindness to
Myself.

The ine I once again
Need to wear
In order to
Find a way to live
Without offending
those around me.

I feel so misunderstood
And unappreciated
And unworthy
And judged.

In a world
Full of people
Who write me off
And put me down
Without even trying to understand
Me
Or my struggles.

Trying to listen
To the universe
But getting
Mixed messages.

The synchronicities are strong
And powerful
And they resonate
But they tell me one thing
In one moment
And the opposite
The next.

Knowing
That there are many things
To work on
And that many of my actions
Do not heed the good advice
That is in my heart and my head
But not knowing
How to stop
Self sabotaging.

Knowing
I am being told
That these things are important
That they need to change
But needing the distraction
They provide.

Knowing
That I am a challenge
And knowing
That most find it difficult
And deal with this
Based on their own
Experiences
Strengths
And weaknesses
But when I am deemed
To have no offsetting value
Is demoralising.

I don't deserve
To be treated like shit
And I have a right
To stand up for myself
But this only makes it harder
To get along.

The mask is safer.

It disrespects
My spirit
And my soul.

But it is the only way
To make it through.

I feel
And I speak
But these things
Are not valued.

Broken friendships.

Broken heart.

Trusting no one.

Safer to withdraw
And to only come out
When my mask
Is securely in place.

I do

Feeling
Like I am working harder
And being less appreciated
Than I have ever been before.

I struggle with ego.

Not so much mine
Or at least more than average.

But I struggle
With the ego
Of others.

I find it confronting
When someone says something
Only to be shot down
Or my advice'd
Or me, me, me'd by another.

Rather than simply
Being listened to
To being heard
To being able to express themselves
Without judgement.

There is no safe space.

We wish for it.

We imagine it.

But it does not exist.

Because no one else
Can ever be trusted
With our inner most thoughts.

These are the ones
That we need to process
Independently.

Without the influence
Of others
Who have a different perspective
A different focus
A different grasp on reality.

And that necessarily means
The world is
In all reality
Made up in some
Complete arseholes.

But that is the nature
Of The World.

And as much
As I hate it,
I see it for what it is...

I live that exists
Beyond the ideals
Of decency
Of common sense
Of all possible outcomes.

Time is cruel.

It teaches us things
That we learn alone
That we can only dream to share
With those who can do
Anything about them.

It takes so much
And delivers so little.

It deprives us
With little reward.

It promises the world
And delivers an atlas.

Life is full
Of swings
And round abouts.

We go up.

We go down.

As we constant go
Round and round
None the wiser
But certainly more
Dazed and confused.

None if it makes sense.

Most of it is confusing.

Much of it is abhorrent.

But what can we do.?

What can we change?

What could we effect
Even if we still had
The heart to do so?

Regretfully
Painfully
Aware.

Seeing the good
As well as the bad
But only seeing the bad
As having any longevity
And resonance.

Enough.

Is what I've had.

But I've this point and time
Just what can I do?