Leave Behind

Caught a glimpse
of me in the past
so many years ago
in a photo
that I had never seen before
and didn't even know existed.

Oh, what a difference
between what I thought I was
and what I really was.

Things that seemed so hard then
are nothing
to the hard things today
and so I wonder
will the hard things of today
be easy
compared to the hard things of tomorrow?

How much harder
can life get?

It was surreal
so see the picture
and find it hard
to even recognise myself
but to have a distant memory
of the place
the day
the feeling
the friendships
the things that were important then.

I had to actually look hard
at the clothes and shoes and socks
I was wearing
and remember them
as being part of my daily mundane life
to convince myself
that it was actually me in the picture.

Dreams about coffee machines
even though I don't drink coffee
and getting the right sized light bulbs
and packing up to move house
and deciding there were so many things
that we could leave behind.

Myself

A roller coaster ride
is life
for sure
or
as the Starchild
likes to say:
swings and roundabouts.

But it still feels like
one step forward
and two steps backwards
some days.

Today has been
a bit like that.

It's interesting
to observe
how the dynamics
of a relationship
change over time
especially when that time
reaches the point
of being half of your own lifetime.

Things are so wonderful
in so many ways
and which are the ways
that really matter
and it seems to me
that all of the work
over the last 18 years
has been working towards
this wonderful state
and even in my depths
I am so aware
of this deliverance
into my life
and am grateful
for everything that has fallen
into the exact
right
place.

But then I take a step back
and am able to see the wider picture
and it terrifies me
to think that this
is where and how I exist.

To see the crisis
upon crisis
on which my life
has been built
and I wonder
how I could have ever
had made it this far.

And then I take
another step back
and I see the people around me
and I get only glimpses
of the after shocks
of the terrible suffering
and in many cases the trauma
that has been
inflicted upon them
and I wonder
how they could be so strong
and yet feel so weak
and to continue
each and every day
with their own struggles.

And then I take another step back
and I see our country
and the degeneration
of what seems like
every aspect
and I fear the loss of hope
that so many already live with
and all feel powerless
to stop the cumbersome
forward motion
into societal oblivion.

And then I take another step back
and I see the whole world

and the horrors
and atrocities
that are everyday living
if you can call it living
for more people
than are fathomable
and it astounds me
that this could ever be possible
let alone possible
in this day and age.

And through the
momentous sadness
of this view
I have so much awe
for the strength of these people
and there is a part of me
that believes there is a
chamber of fortitude
that hides dormant
somewhere within me
and I wish
that I could call on
that resilience
that drive
that determination
that passion
that courage
that will to live
just by wanting it to be so
but I continue to live
if you can call it that
in passive
slothful
fear
that I will find the key to that door one day
but the universe will be forcing my hand
because I have taken too long
to open it myself.