Never Be

It's not good enough
and I can't make you
want to want
and nothing can repay
the debt that you owe
but whose keeping score
forever more
because it can only work
if neither of us keep count
but somehow
somethings
don't seem to add up
and there are little things that matter
and big things that matter more
and even though we're not keeping score
i still feel kinda ripped off
and i want to be able to tell you
how i feel
but i need to see
what decisions you make
over and over
that never place me first
or second
or even third
and even though i've never done this before
I'm pretty sure
that' I'm meant to be
in at least the top three
so why can't it be
that when you chose
you could possibly chose me
and when I look at things that way
it's just not good enough
and there is nothing that i can do
to change me
or to change you
and what is will ever be
and to me you will never be

In My Mind

I think I got it all wrong somewhere along the line.

Things that I thought were truths
turned out to be blind
ideals and now I find
that being kind
is not always being wise
and being wise
is sometimes folly
for although I have tried
to be open and honest
I now feel admonished
for opening myself
and calling you sister
when now that all is said and done
things that I thought were truths
missed the
point and missed the
time
which always moves on
from the time
when we made our promises
and I thought that you made your promises
because you believed in them
but your truths
changed
as your life
changed
and you moved on
because you needed to
but now you find
that those truths
were real
and those truths
expressed what you feel
behind the bravado and the pride
but I am so glad
to be welcoming you back
even though you are still not on track
but that you accepting
and you are seeking
what you lack
because it is part of all of us
and you are ready to turn back
to those truths
from that time
when you made your promises
and I made mine
for you are still my sister
and I am yours
and there is nothing
that will ever change that
in my mind.

Now or Ever

How can I
possibly tell you
how offended I am
how belittled I feel

betrayed
disrespected
and humiliated

when
if I did tell you
then the best case would be
that you really understood

which would only serve

to make you feel the same
as I feel now

and the worst case would be
that you didn't understand
or didn't care
or didn't accept
how your words
and attitude
and actions
and inactions
affect others

which would only serve
to make you angry at me
which is where the spiral of the end begins
and that is the last thing anyone wants
of that I am sure

On one hand
I know
that your words
and your thoughts
and your attitudes
are yours
and not mine
and the only power
they have over me
is the power
that I grant them

but you are my friend
and my sister
and when I open my heart to you
as a friend and a sister
I am opening myself
to the affects of your words
and your thoughts
and your attitudes

and I don't think
that you even realise
that you have caused me any pain
or upset
or insult
or injury

but you have


And because I do love you
and I don't want to hurt you
and I don't want to close off to you
then all I can do now
is continue to love you
as a friend and a sister
unconditionally
for who you are
and to know that
you have also been hurt

so whether you mean it or not
when you hurt me
you are only protecting yourself
and it is a result
of your own insecurities
which are things we all have

and I am sure
that my insecurities
have also played part
in how I feel
and have also played part
in things that I have said
and done

So for now
we can just both continue to grow
together
as friends and as sisters
and I wont need to work out
how I can possibly tell you
how offended I am
how belittled I feel
betrayed
disrespected
and humiliated

because I can love myself
unconditionally
for who I am

and when anyone else
whether they are a friend or sister
or whether they are a stranger
offends
belittles me
betrays me
disrespects me
and even humiliates me

it does not diminish that love
and that is the only thing
that I need to feed
or to give power to
now or ever

Not There

i close my eyes
at night
in the darkness
so there's no chance
that i could possibly see
what is not there