Wednesday, August 19, 2009

The Land of Nod

Oh, my - what a very full day. I didn't stop from start to finish and my very long To Do list has lots of items crossed out as completed but there's no real sense of accomplishment.

My temp work went well last week and it was good to have the few extra dollars coming in. I ended up working three part days last week and got a lot done but it was far from rewarding work. I can only do two days this week. I went in on Monday and in the last hour there I finally got into some stuff that is closer to what I actually do in terms of "real" work.

Tuesday was a bit of a wipe out for me, I watched nine episodes of The United States of Tara - very strange show but loving it completely! Drank a bottle of wine, which I sometimes would prefer not to but have to concede it also helped me in a way. Nighty, night and more crazy dreams, seems to be the order of the day (/night) at the moment.

Today started with normal morning routine getting everyone ready for their various adventures: the smiley monster at family day care and Kman and the impossible princess to school. I do volunteer work at the school each Wednesday for about two hours. There's a few kids that I really feel like I am connecting with and that is a really special thing, I think. Up to the shops, chinese for lunch and a brief but pleasant encounter with a lovely guy by the name of Daniel who was out with his carer who was helping him with his lunch. It still makes me smile with such warmth at how happy and even perhaps a little nervous he was just for the simple pleasure of talking to a stranger in a food court. I so admire people who give their time to looking after others and helping them have some semblance of a normal life - if there even is such a thing as normal for anyone. I didn't get back home until 2pm, which gave me half an hour to unpack my purchases and put them all away, but I was so glad to only have one thing to have moved to my Thursday/Friday To Do list at the end of it all.

Once that was done I was back at the school to pick up Kman and the impossible princess. Home for 20 minutes then off to swimming lessons. Picked up the smiley monster on the way home from swimming, then 15 minutes later comes our musical guest to give Kman guitar lessons and the impossible princess keyboard lessons and her daughter mini curls to play with the smiley monster who was almost unfathomably naughty!

The next hour was finding the kitchen bench, organising Kman's birthday party, RSVP'ing to another birthday party, cooking a quick dinner for the smiley monster so he could be whisked off to bed as soon as our musical guest and mini curls had left and also making veal schnitzel for the rest of the family. Then there was organising showers, feeding animals, custard and icecream for desert and watching the last three episodes of The United States of Tara and blogging. I'll have to get Kman's birthday party invitations designed and printed and then, just maybe, I'll have earnt my pass into the land of nod.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Honour With My Actions

There are a few messages that I am getting at the moment, perhaps more reassurances than messages, but there are two main themes that keep recurring in many of the events and anecdotes that make up my life. The first theme is that sometimes we ask for things in our lives, then upon further reflection we come to the conclusion that we don't really need them only to find that they suddenly come into our lives shortly after. The second theme is that every moment of our existence contributes to the pool of resources that will be available for us to draw on in our futures.

I've had a few moments of self-doubt lately and in my heart I have been longing for people to come up to me and give me some positive feedback. At first I tried to tell myself that as long as I wasn't getting any negative feedback then I must be doing ok but my confidence continued to dwindle and I couldn't understand why there wasn't even one comment to let me know I was doing ok. I wasn't expecting rapturous praise, just a kind word or a quick phrase to let me know what I was doing was embarrassingly atrocious, but nothing was forthcoming.

I'm not the kind of person who will seek out praise and I believe that sometimes if you have to ask then the response you get is tainted and therefore less reliable and less rewarding so asking was not an avenue I felt comfortable pursuing. More so, if my confidence was already faltering, I really didn't want to put myself in a situation where I would over-analyse and twist any response I might get.

In the end I put it down to two choices: give up or keep going. Simple as that really. Could I deliberately deprive myself of things that I was enjoying for no solid, tangible or definable reason? Wasn't it enough to just do things to my own standards and not worry about what others thought?

Fortunately, I came to the conclusion that the only time you fail is when you give up and I wasn't ready to throw in the towel just yet. Gradually my concerns seemed to fade into the background and I guess if I started to think about them then there were words and descriptions for them but they were no longer vivid, they no longer had emotions attached to them and they didn't really feel part of me any more. And it was good to be in that place.

Then, today, without warning and in a chance conversation, I got some great feedback from someone I really wasn't expecting it from. It was spontaneous and heart-felt and the words chosen resonated so well against my previous doubts. For a moment, it was like the things that were worrying me jumped directly up to the surface again and I felt them with full force but they were quietened immediately and I was reminded again of this same theme that seems to keep coming up time and again. Once you learn to walk in faith and to hold belief in your heart, you will be delivered on your prayers only they will mean so much more to you as they become a reassurance of yourself rather than a false crutch from an external source that won't always be constantly available moving forward.

In another incident earlier this week, some of the questions that I have been mulling over about my life and my direction in terms of a career and making a living while balancing my home life took a great leap forward. I tend to have lots of epiphanies in the shower and this was the site of yet another. In one moment I felt like I was holding the pieces of a 3D puzzle in my hands almost subconsciously, turning them over, looking at them from different angles and trying to get them all to fit. Then two things happened. The first was that I received an idea and the second was that I realised that all of the pieces to the puzzle were snippets of memories of things I'd experienced, some of which were so trivial and some I didn't even realise I'd taken note of, but each one of them was part of the solution that made up the idea that had surfaced.

At that time, I felt a huge connection with all of the universe. I felt like my prayers had been answered once I'd decided to just keep on moving and not letting the things I didn't have become a road block to getting the things I wanted out of life and I felt that God was moving so actively in my life and my existence.

Now, don't think that I am presuming to assert that my idea is 100% positively, without a doubt, falling-into-my-lap style turn of fate going to change my life in an instant but I do believe that it is an item of potential that if I work at and be realistic about in terms of time frames then I will have something a little more real to work towards.

So, as I sit here tonight, I'm grateful for being able to recognise things sometimes. To have moments of clarity that are so real and so inspiring and that just well up within me and provide me the connection that so many of us are looking for each day. That I can hold onto the pieces of the puzzle and I can continue to work at them until they make sense to me and that I can appreciate the endless strings of events that I am part of and that I can make choices about in order to create my own future and my own reality. This is one of the great gifts of life and one that I hope to honour with my actions.