Afraid Of

Finally
finally
finally
a day filled with
the feelings of
real possibilities.

Such mid-summer energy
has suddenly
collided with my consciousness
and pushed out
overwhelm
lethargy
apathy.

Cautious though still
fearing burnout
but so wanting
to harness this energy
and also truly needing to
this close to Christmas
with family responsibilies
all resting on my shoulders
while my husband works
17 hour days.

But even that seems
manageable today.

Taking things
one step at a time
and being realistic
about only being
a tentative few steps
in front of a time
of not even being able to crawl
let along being able to
put one foot in front of the other.

Filled with gratitude today
for my family
and my friends
for those who have had me
in their thoughts
as their prayers
have today reached my heart
and I feel connected
as I should be.

Now there is a "should"
that I am not afraid of.

No Interest

No interest.

No Energy

No energy.

I Should Be

It's not like
it's any surprise
that life
is constantly changing
but
more and more
I am realising
that I can do change
but can't do change as well.

It's not that I mind
that things change
it's just that I never seem
to be in the now
of any given change
so when the next change comes
I really hardly notice it
because I am still
focusing on
the previous state
in a feeble attempt
to be
wherever the Hell
it is that I should be.

Be Seen

So many things
going through my head
at the moment
but no productive actions
because I am either
existing in the past
or in the future
but never in the present
and therefore
never find myself doing
the things that are right
for my time.

Yes, I can acknowledge
that this is the thought pattern
of some individuals
who do extraordinary things
and while I sometimes feel
this is in my potential
it more usually feels
like it is so far removed
from my true existance
as I had never even been able
to dream it may have been.

Everything
seems just
out of my reach
and there is nothing
that I feel
is within
my actual capabilities
at the minute.

Still,
with my resent thoughts
on failure
I know more
to be true
that failure
only really occurs
when you give up
and
thankfully
I am not
giving up
and therefore
I am not failing.

How that evolves
remains to be seen.