Saturday, May 2, 2009

A Good Feeling

Morning tea with friends yesterday went for three hours and was just so nice. There were six adults and seven widdies and a good time was had by all. A few hours to tidy and re-gather then two more for a few more hours. Ended up chatting with their mum for over an hour when she came to pick them up and felt all socialised out by the end of the day.

In other news, I did my first structured ritual as a solitaire celebrating Samhain and I was surprised by how smoothly it went. I wasn't actually prepared in advance as I was just planning on having a very basic circle casting and quiet meditation. Then I started thinking about an alter cloth. Black. OK, probably a black candle would be good as well. And incense. I had an inclination towards clove with a hint of cinnamon. Nice. And, why not throw in some element representations, feathers for air, sea salt earth, water for water and a small candle for fire. Easy. Add my pentacle dish with a few small charms that spoke to me of Samhain, and I was starting to feel like it was almost all organised without even trying. So, I grabbed a God and Goddess candle, Death and Moon tarot cards, a short Samhain reading, something for cakes and ale and I was all ready.

I started with an I Am Witch recitation and a few words about being my first magical works under my new magical name, Kora. I then cast circle but I hadn't written any invocations so just improvised. Added some impromptu words in honour of two of my relatives that have passed, my ancestors in general and also the wisdom of the crone. After some quiet reflection and meditation on my alter items, I read out the info on Samhain and had cakes and ale. Next was a simple thanks and release followed by opening the circle.

It's one thing to attend ritual but another to construct one by yourself and see it through. I'm really looking forward to putting one together for a full moon ritual at the cottage and am glad that this Samhain has blessed me with further confirmation that this is something that is within me to do (wisdom of the crone), even though I know I will freak out when it's my turn for the group. It still is a good feeling though. I guess that's because I am witch.

Friday, May 1, 2009

Piano Dreams

There are a few recurring themes in my dreams from time to time, often just feelings rather than places, events or actions, but rarely are they the same thing repeatedly, usually just variations of the same theme in various situations.

One of the things that I dream of from time to time is that I can play the piano. I can actually play some very basic keyboard and can read music very slowly but I only ever went to about half a dozen music lessons when I was in year 4 or 5 at school. But, sometimes parts of my dreams include me sitting down at a piano and playing the most beautiful, elaborate and intense music. My fingers positively dance over the keys and I feel so connected, not even needing to think about what I am playing, just having it pour out of me from my soul directly through the piano.

I had a dream like that again last night.

Thursday, April 30, 2009

Good, Good

More car salesmen today. One was very lovely and the other was very unlovely. I have now dealt with two dealers for each of the two different types of cars I am considering. The problem is that the car that I have decided I much prefer has both of the salesmen with which I have had very negative experiences whereas I would just love to by a car off either of the other two but I now know that I don't want the cars they sell. Well, perhaps I wont get the finance anyway and then I won't have to decide between the two. Actually, the plan now is to find a salesmen that I like that sells the car I want. How do you think a car yard would react if I walked in and requested to speak with someone who wasn't a complete idiot?

In other news, I have created an absolutely bloody beautiful invoice template for the business and have sent the first invoice off today. I am so fricken talented it's not funny! Hey, I've gotta celebrate what I can in my small and insignificant existence these days. Surely you can't blame a girl for doing that.

Decided to host an impromptu morning tea with some friends from church tomorrow. I usually invite more people than I think will turn up just to make sure it doesn't end up being an embarrassingly small gathering. The problem, which is actually quite a pleasant problem to have if one must have problems at all, is that everyone has said yes so I will have a house full of some very lovely people and their offspring for a few hours tomorrow. I've also agreed for Kman and the impossible princess to have friends over after school. The zoo is a mess and needs a good raking out BUT I'm not feeling stressed at all and am really looking forward to it all. This is the side of being a home mum that I actually like. Of course, it does have to be on my terms, but I'm feeling very empowered about that at the minute so it's all good, good.

Meme Catch Up

Have been tagged in two memes, or rather I have been tagged by two people for the same meme, and I haven't had a chance to reply. I have to admit that I am actually a meme virgin *blushes* so please be gentle with me on this, my first time.

1. What is your current obsession?
Food. It's always been a hobby bordering on being a favourite past time, but at the minute it is an actual obsession. Yes, I am seeking help, but I've turned to the fridge and I think it might have a secret agenda.

2. Which item of clothing do you wear often?
Jeans, or at least I would, if I had more of them that fit me. In winter I wear stripped socks a lot. I'll have to get back to you about summer. Perhaps next summer I will be able to answer bikinis once I have kicked my food obsession.

3. What's for dinner?
Given my answers to the previous two questions, I have to say that asking about dinner at this time is just cruel. For me, tonight is likely to be a crazy shake. Yep, I'm doing the meal replacement shakes again, as I had success with them before and do find them very convenient and dare I say that I actually like the flavours.

4. What are you listening to?
Chris Tomlin from my blog play list. He is a Christian artist and has a really lovely voice and songs full of passion. His song, Blessed Be, was one of the first actual songs that I learnt on the guitar and the songs of his that we sing at church are my absolute favourites. I have rather diverse tastes in music as I will be likely to hear from Cher, Bon Jovi, Metallica and probably all the way through to Lilly Allen from my play list before I finish writing this post.

5. Say something to the one that tagged you.
Jac is an intense, talented and awesome person and I love the beauty, intelligence and candour with which she shares her struggles and triumphs, both of which are greater than those around her could every truly understand or fully appreciate. Jac, I'd love to spend more time with you again in the real world, as opposed to just in Blogland. Drop me an email sometime so we can arrange to catch up, yeah? And Jen, who I first met in passing a few times at the cottage and who I got to know better at the Stroud retreat and who I have since come to know more and more through her moving blog posts. I see Jen as the quintessence of many of us in that she doesn't always see that she is the amazing, strong and talented person that those around her see her as. Her blog has helped me accept the same side of myself and therefore work towards being a stronger and more self-assured person. Jen, I'm really looking forward to continuing to get to know you and hope that will happen more at Stroud this year.

6. Favourite vacation spot?
Anywhere, I'm actually quite easily pleased and grateful whenever I get a chance to get away. We do a lot of weekends away as a family coz The Starchild is self employed so time off during the week is costly on two fronts but we are planning on having our first real actual vacation for almost two weeks very soon. I like going to different places but am also really looking forward to going back to Stroud in July.

7. What I'm reading right now?
A book called "I never metaphor I didn't like". The other book I borrowed from the library which I will be reading after this one is the Fred Nile autobiography and I have Scott Cunningham's 'Wicca: A Guide for the Solitary Practitioner' on my bedside table. Did I mention having diverse tastes before?

8. Four words to describe myself.
Passionate
Loyal
Honest
Jocular

9.Guilty pleasure.
Food. I think we've already covered that.

10. What do you think you will feel about your life when all is said and done?
Something wise and profound for sure. I'll tell you all when I get there but for now I'll just analyse everything that's going on as that is just what I do.

11. What do you look forward to?
The changing seasons. Right now I am looking forward to the delicious feeling of stepping into a steaming hot shower, of sliding into a freshly made bed that is all warm and toasty from the electric blanket, of snuggling up on the lounge with a dooner and a hot cuppa and of being in the front passenger seat of car as it is speeding through the night with the heater on full on my feet and a thick jacket tucked up under my chin while I am leaning out the window so the crisp cold air blows through my hair, numbs my face and makes my eyes water. Hmmm, I think I was definitely a dog in a previous life.

Ok, I've now officially completed my first meme - was it as good for you as it was for me? Thanks for that Jac and Jen, I really enjoyed it. And now to tag some others:

Helen at Witchsymbol Take2 - I haven't seen you do any meme's so I didn't know if it was your thing but I'd love to hear your answers and I thought it would be something fun, positive and potentially non-baby related for you to think about for a little while.

Bianca at It Takes All Sorts To Make A World - I didn't want you to focus too much on your studies so thought this would be a fun way to distract you ☺

Deb at SunflowerBee - I've tagged Deb because I would really like to see her answers but I mostly want to see if I can make her swear about all of these stupid meme's.

Renata at Web of Wyrd - I think Renata would be one of the least likely people to post a meme and therefore one of the people that most of the people who know her would like to see the answers to. The challenge has thus been layed down!

Heidi at Into the Unknown - I love your posts and I miss you, Heidi's so am looking for any excuse to get you to post some more ☺

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

LOST

Lost is about to start - whoo hoo!

This is why I stay up so long after my bed time ☺

Me Thinks, Perhaps

I didn't get to the Samhain ritual tonight and am very disappointed but am owning this as my choice even though it was not actually my preference. I understand there is a difference.

We all make sacrifices and balancing the demands and responsibilities of our daily lives often pulls us in more than one direction and we aren't always completely happy with the outcome.

I did stay calm though and refused to let it deteriorate into an argument, which was good. And, I did make all the points that I felt needed to be made, which was also good. In fact, I think the term is actually "good, good", as I am fond of saying.

There is, however, clearly no time that it is ever ok for me to escape from the zoo for non-widdie-related pursuits or for tasks that have not been allocated, suggested or pre-approved outside of a indeterminable notification period. There is also clearly nothing that I can ever do, accept, give up or go through that will ever offer me the level of respect that I feel I deserve.

Don't get me wrong, there is great respect, and enormous love; they're just usually conditional. Usually? Well, I'm not sure if it's exactly "usually" that way, but I do find myself thinking it a lot. But I expect that happens when one is being a 'glass half empty' person, as I think that I just may be being about this right now because I am, at heart, still a petulant child who is having the adult equivalent of a tanty because she didn't get her own way. My words there. And I guess it's not really a tanty but the point is that I know that on the points of love and respect I will feel fervently and passionately in the positive in a day or so. Perhaps.

Something that I am really struggling with as far as perspective though is that I know that there is no scoreboard and that the only way to have effective give and take on any level and in any type of relationship, whether on a personal level, professional lever or otherwise, is if no one keeps count. But, man, I've been through a lot for this guy because I believe in my heart that he is wonderful and that he is one of the good guys and that this is where I am meant to be in the universe.

The thing is I have been through too many years of denying myself and all of the aspects of myself that I have always rejoiced in just because they don't fit his picture.

It's a long road and it has changed a lot through my persistence and the boundaries I have set and strengthened as we have gone along but it's sure not how I pictured things, let me tell you.

I don't actually think it usually is how most people pictured it and am not actually speaking with regret here either. If anything, there are more wonderful things in my life than I ever dreamed of and when I think about the things that I have to bemoan and the things that I don't have to bemoan, and tally them against my priorities and personal values, I am just so fortunate to have the life I do, including all of the people in it.

But that doesn't mean I am not allowed to wail and moan when I don't get to do the things that I want to do and it doesn't mean that I will accept being made to feel guilty for not wanting to spend my life as a brainless, boring, downtrodden housemaid. I'm sorry, folks, but that just aint me.

For most things where there is are differences of opinion regarding attendance, I usually just go anyway, and have a great time and accept that the pre-show entertainment is just par for the course, but for ritual, particularly Samhain, it's a different kettle of fish. Even in an open circle and even with the post-release joy I would bring, I would still be bringing the wrong energy. This was a big factor in why I ultimately made the choice I did to not go.

So, I'll make sure I celebrate Samhain as a solitary this year. I will honour those who I have been thinking about tonight in two days time, when it is truly our southern hemisphere's All Hallows Eve and I will still enjoy the beauty and solemn reflection of this time with dignity and love in my heart.

I can still make my choices, even though they aren't always my preferred option, and continue on the path that I have chosen. Although I hate the imagery in this analogy, it's a bit like losing the battle to win the war. I am still working towards being the me I want to be; I said what I wanted to say and the final outcome will still support my ideals, even if it wasn't the path that I thought was the most direct one to where I was heading.

Me thinks, perhaps, I learnt far more than I was expecting - and that I possibly wasn't the only one.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

A Good Time Was Had By All

A friend from school came up from Sydney to visit today. We spent a few hours chatting, then picked up some lunch and saw "The Boat That Rocked" at the movies, which I really quite enjoyed. Nice change of pace for the day as well and a good time was had by all.

Monday, April 27, 2009

All Before Lunch Time!

Have had to deal with a car salesmen today, not my favourite breed of beast at the best of times, but the one today was just a chip off the old block. I've never met a more incompetent salesperson in all my life. I can handle inexperience, lack of knowledge, bland personalities, absence of guidance and a variety of other aspects that are frustrating to the customer when trying to spend huge amounts of cash on what in a fairly important purchase to most people, but when there is contradiction after contradiction and no acceptance of this reality, well, I do tend to get a bit antsy. I know that I don't suffer fools well but if the guy didn't know about the product, he should have been honest enough to acknowledge that and find out the answers to my questions rather than just make up bullshit and waste a whole lot of time. It took five minutes for him to tell me the exact model of the car he was quoting me. Phhhh. Grrrr. Whatever.

I was still polite in my own blunt, direct sort of way but I did tell him that what he was saying was very confusing and had to repeat several of his contradictions and ask him directly how could that possibly be. I don't think he wanted to shake my hand when I left, but I extended it anyway, thanked him in all sincerity for his time and wished him a lovely day.

Before I even got back to my car, my frustrations were dripping away and a smile of bemusement had won the battle over the grimace that wanted to appear.

And the lesson here, folk? Not everyone you encounter can help you, even if they are doing their best and you think they should be able to help. Either way, it's not something that should ruin anyone's day and you should always have a plan B so you can continue working towards your ends. I am now at least clearer on which questions I need answered, have driven one of the two cars I am considering and have come home to reviewe and refine my previous research and am now waiting for another dealer that I have just called to ring me back.

It does make me think about how much personalities can sway our purchasing decisions. I guess it's all part of the "sales experience" that we are seeking.

But now, it's lunch time. YAY!

Sunday, April 26, 2009

I am Kora, I am Witch

Dedicated, I am; in every aspect of the word.

A beautiful, wonderful, *magical* night. The greatest of blessings and my heartfelt thanks to all involved. Everything was just perfect with the cottages special mix of solemnity and humour in all the right places. The individual vows, the names, both the new ones and those that were retained, and the gifts were so lovely; they spoke volumes about each person. If there was a Geigor counter for joy then I think I would have been off the scale last night as I couldn't help but smile with absolute glowing love while watching and sharing with the wonderful group with which I have found myself. Thank you to you all. You are all so special and it is an honour knowing - and witching - with you.

A calm contentment has settled in today. I had to get up early to get to church for music practice. We had a dedication for a gorgeous little baby boy and the place was packed. We are usually quite a small congregation but it was standing room only once everyone arrived. We were into our second song when I discovered another example of how far I've come as I looked over so many faces, usually meeting the eyes of friends and strangers alike and I realised I wasn't even nervous. It helps that I am only back up singer and I have no illusions about my vocal limitations so I don't have such huge expectations on myself that so it is still a pleasure not a burden, but from someone who would get the shakey, red type of nervous even talking one on one to someone, to be standing in front of a group and singing and still enjoying it and not feeling nervous at all, well, it was just wonderful.

I am a little sad as one of my budgies died today, but The Starchild and Kman bought me another one and he is really pretty. I think I'll call him Ciel as he is a gorgeous bright blue. I'll ask him if he likes the name tomorrow. My other budgie is fine. He is a yellow green and his name is Chi. Chi liked my last budgie better - they hit it off straight away but Chi had been by himself for a while then. I'm sure Chi and Ciel be great friends as well in no time.

Other than that, I'm feeling on top of things. I like being organised and I am actually feeling more organised than I have in a long time; it's a subtle shift but it's a powerful one. I have loads of things to do tomorrow and I am really looking forward to it. It's a brand new day and it's mine for the taking.

Blessed be,
Kora
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