My Passion

Knowing something
understanding it
is not the same
as being able to define it
and it is this skill
that I have been
increasingly lacking in
over the last
however many years.

Just very recently
however
I have noticed
this is something
that I have started to regain.

To not be able to say
what I think
or to express it
and also remember it
has plagued me
like a gaping hole
in my very consciousness
that I had an awareness of
as this was still knowledge
and understanding
but I just couldn't define it.

It is only now
that I am starting to
regain this paradise of words
that I can see
how much it has affected
my sense of self
because as human beings
we look for patterns and
dare I say it
labels
to find understanding
but this process must work
in both directions
and words are the tools
that separates us
from the beasts.

Some reading I am doing at the moment
with a 'how to' type book
has made me realise
just how many of these techniques
I had already known
and actually been apply
from a very early age
but that had become
lost in the ether of my existance
and this realisation
has been incredibly eye opening
but not regretfully so
for a very, very nice change.

There are so many things
that I am trying to sort out
about who I am
versus who I was
and who I never was
and never will be
and in this process
I am pleasantly surprised
to find that some things that I had longed for
yet given up hope on
are actually still part of me.

That rediscovery
is inspiring
and something
that I know I can build on
and is key
to finding
my passion.

In Life

There are so many things
that I don't understand
least of which
is why the things I think
and the things I want
are so far away
from the life I live.

Each day
starts with such promise
and there is so much
that I want to do
and I feel so busy
yet so tired
right through to my bones
so even though
I feel like I never stop
I'm still not doing
the things that I want to do
and plan to do
and seem to see
others doing.

Expectation has a lot to answer for
and that is something
that I understand
and accept
but am still so painfully aware
of the incongruence
between my mind
and my existence.

Yet somehow
through the fog and calamity
I still feel hope
and that is something
that I hadn't felt
for such a long time
so when I feel it now
I am grateful.

I am also grateful
for the lessons I learn
and I know that
even those that I forget
stay with my subconscious
like the messages of my dreams
and build on the creation
that I was born to be
and to continue to develop into
and to fulfil my purpose in life.