Myself Again

My sister

my roomie
my defender
my guide
my protector
my trend-setter
my benchmark
my first best friend.

What happened?

Why has it been so long
since last we spoke
or made any sort of contact.

There really is no reason.

I have to wonder
if I am feeling so betrayed
by each member of my family
(which I do)
behaps I
as the common denominator
am really the cause
of the problems
and therefore
am really the cause
of my own pain.

How did we get here?

Well, I needed you
and I couldn't ask
because I could barely
do the most basic of things
to make it through each day
let alone put myself out there
so vulnerably
when any time I have done that before
you still just see me as strong
and like I should be doing better
and like the pragmatic warrior within me
would take over
so you didn't need to worry.

But that pragmatic warrior
put down her sword
and began to cower behind her shield
a long, long time ago
and you never even noticed.

So at my lowest
I offended you
by not being able to venture out of the house
and I understand why you might be hurt by this
but you haven't even tried
so push aside my mask when it was at it's thinnest
and see what I was at that time
what I was going through.

And now
as I am getting better
all of the hurts that I am trying to heal
keep being torn open again
because we don't know each other anymore.

And while I know that the images and scenarios I see around me
of connected families
are either misrepresented
or come with their own burdens
I still miss you.

And I can't explain to my kids
why we don't see you
and your kids - my neice and nephew
and while it weighs so heavily on my heart
I know you don't process things the way I do
and where I have pain
you have dismissal
and there is no way
I can ever trust any reconciliation
should one ever be forthcoming
(even though this is not something
I can even envisage at this time)
so I won't
extend my hand to you
because doing so
would again extend my heart to you
and
like a sprained ankle needs strapping for protection
and rest to allow it to heal
so to does my heart
and you are now
harmful to my recovery
and I cannot do that to myself again.