Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Any of you



Trying to learn to live
without them
when they are still here
is impossible.

how it will feel
when they are no longer here.


Yes, surely.


But what can I change?

There are only so many times
I can reach out
and try
and try
and try
in the face of your condemnation.

None of you need me.

None of you want me in your lives.

These things are
all too painfully obvious.

Why do you defend
the attacker
and not the one attacked?

Because I am strong
does that mean it's ok
to tear my family apart
and then move on
leaving me

If I am the one
who always valued family
more than anyone else
(your words)
how did I end up
being the one
left out in the cold?

Is is because I dared to speak up
as I do?

I'm not here
to win friends and influence people.

I'm not interested in games
and power plays
and manipulation
and competition
and controlling others.

I'm just interested
in my family
my parents
my siblings
my nieces and nephews.

But  I'm the one
still crying
still hurt
who has tried to forgive
but finds that so hard
when there is no acceptance
no responsibility
no apology.

When every time I reach out
I am ignored
and then lectured.

And again I ask
what you would have me do
to try to fix this rupture
that I didn't create?

You suggest this.
I remind you of each time
I have tried exactly that.

You suggest that.
But I have examples of that too
which I have tried so many times
and you know
and you agree
and you see that I have don't just that.

But somehow
I am the one
who is the problem
because I don't think
it's acceptable to lie about me
in my mothers house
to refuse to acknowledge me
within the walls
of the home I grew up in
to ignor my greeting
after driving my family
2 hours
to be there
to abuse me
because I don't roll over
any just take it
while all of my family
sits around the table
passing the salt
and raising their glasses
in silent affirmation
that it's ok
to treat me this way.

I want to say that it is ok
to not be part of each other's lives
but it's not ok to me.

I wish I could
just get over it
and move on
but every day
that my family aren't in my life
is another day
of betrayal and abandonment.

Another year
Even just the daily grind.

Another year
or ten
or twenty.

Another lifetime.
Where did the time go?
Who are you now?
Who are your children?
What have you told them?

I bet you haven't told them
about the physical
and emotional abuse.

I bet you haven't told them
about who I really am.

I know that
the reality is
you have all moved on
very happily without me
and the fact that is fine with you
keeps my wounds open.

I have tried to move on
from each of you
for different reasons
in the same way
you have moved on from me
but after all these years
I admit defeat.

I am the common denominator.
Everyone else is fine. Obviously.

I can't do it.

I can't know myself
without my family.

You are my blood.

I did not choose you
you were chosen for me.

And whatever I am
and whatever I am not
the bottom line is
I'm just not as important to you
as you are to me.

And I don't have the energy anymore
I don't have the resilience of spirit
I don't have whatever is needed from me
to get you all back in my life
even if you did want me there
but didn't know how to make it happen either.

Some of you have known me
all of my life
and yet my words
my actions
my reasons
are what you say they are
not what I say they are.
How can that be right?

You know who I am.
You know I am honest.

You know I am sincere.
You know I am loyal
and supportive
and loving
and caring.

And you know I am hurting.

But none of that matters
as much as your pride
and your path of least resistance.

I can't be
whatever it is you want me to be.

But I guess
you can't be
whatever it is I want you to be either.

And that's just how it is.

But it doesn't mean
that I am not filled with longing
every day for my family.

It doesn't mean
that when I see other families
bent, broken
normal or otherwise
still trying
and being in each other's lives
that I don't covet that too.

To share each other's joys.

To support each other.

To watch our children grow.

I wish I could just write it off
as your loss
but it is my loss as well
and my children's loss.

How does that not matter to
any of you?


Lisa said...

I am home any time over the next four days if you want to talk.
Always here xxxx

Rowan said...

My heart breaks to read this.
Feel so helpless, all I can do is send love.