Whose finger has squeezed the trigger of my feelings of self-doubt this time? In reality, it can only be my own, but surely I wouldn't do this to myself, would I?
We typically don't let just anyone into our inner circle of trust and expose ourselves fully. I am generally a fairly open person and tend to speak my mind, although I mostly chose my words very carefully. There are, however, very few people that I feel fully comfortable with and I am still shaken by the collapse of the illusion of friendship with one that I had previously felt was someone who was a true friend, who cared about me, who respected me, who judged me honestly and fairly and with love, who was being truthful in their communications, who I was comfortable with and who I thought felt the same in return.
It's been many, many months since I lost this friendship. I actually cried for days with the grief and was so hurt and confused as until this one time I had no idea at how shallow this friendship was, how many negative feelings were being masked and how I was merely being tolerated as best as this person could manage until they could take it no more.
When it happened, they ran rather than confront their feelings. They didn't have the courage or self-belief to express their feelings directly, perhaps to simply avoid confrontation, perhaps through fear of being further unmasked, I guess that there is possibly not one true answer and no matter what I will never really know for sure.
It's hard for me to acknowledge the inner weaknesses of some people, particularly those who I respect and see their great strength and potential - it's easy to forget that these people, too, are human and that they suffer from the same doubts that trouble us all. It's also hard for me to witness communications being severed with those who purport to speak their minds. This makes me conclude that there is more that they would prefer to remain under the surface rather than face in themselves.
And that is how it has been since. I was weary at first, afraid that my tears would betray my stupidity in believing in a friendship that was so false. I was so uncomfortable for so long and still so in the dark about how this person was really feeling. My choices were fairly straight forward, run away myself, confront the situation or find my own peace and keep on being the person who I was all along.
To run away would be to lose absolutely everything the friendship had blessed me with so I did not see this as a good option. My pragmatic side kicked in regarding confrontation as I knew that the person would not respond when they had worked so hard to shut me out so it could only make things worse and would result in the same final termination as with option one. I knew where I stood so I just had to accept that.
So, that left just continuing on. It was sort of like pretending that nothing happened, but I was painfully aware of the loss of trust. I was never really sure if the problem was me, because it was never actually said to me that it was, and on one hand I wanted desperately to believe that it wasn't. But even so, there was a friend that I cared for so very deeply who was obviously in great inner pain and was describing what seemed to fit recent events of the time. Paranoia? Maybe, but the clincher was that I reached out and was rejected. Either I was the cause of the problem or I was not seen as the friend that I thought I was because I was shut out.
I came to peace in that I alone knew my own personal situation at the time, the impact of the many hugely tumultuous things in my life that I was struggling through and that it would take me some time to comes to terms with in themselves. So, that, coupled with my previous sense of security lulled me into a place where I thought I was safe and where I could vent and start to try to express some of the feelings I was going through. On top of that, I went through a great learning experience, one that would possibly have addressed my friends cause for concern had the choice been to stay and see rather than to run and accuse. Also, once I realised the depth of the problem, I reached out, even if my offer wasn't accepted, I still honoured my standards as a friend. I focused on being me and letting other's judgement and intolerance work themselves out.
It has never really been the same for me and I am on edge so often worrying about how I am being received rather than enjoying the sisterhood that I had previously believed in. Sometimes I am petty and I let small things upset me, so I need to be aware of this in myself as well as to acknowledge that this may be the case with others. I do like to think that I am honest enough and have sufficient humility that I would admit to my errors and misjudgements and also would want to talk things through so that I can look for reasons why I was wrong and therefore the pain and hurt can be reduced on both sides.
I am not sure why I am writing this now, other than because it has been on my mind today due to an interpretation as a result of being on edge. At my end, it has sparked huge feelings of inadequacy and is provoking my fears of never really belonging and I know that's my issue to deal with, not to deflect on anyone else. I have been longing for such a long time for my guides to talk to me, or at least, for me to be able to hear them when they do. I am finally realising within myself something that I have known for some time, they are talking and I can hear. I can cite several very specific times when they have spoken to me or have sent me messages and I guess I was expecting it to always be like that. But just now, I realise that most communications for me at this time are more subtle. There is much chatter and movement around me at the moment and I am actually scared a lot and don't know how much is my guides and how much is, well, not, but today I had a strong urge to change direction. To not go back. To deny myself in order to fulfil myself. And I don't want to, and I'm not even sure who is giving me this advice, but it is what I am hearing anyway. My saving grace in this decision is that there is actually a different dynamic and I think that perhaps this is very much meant to be and something that I have openly supported since I knew about it, so perhaps the distance that I am being advised to create will just happen naturally anyway.
Wow, this has turned out to be a really long post and I feel sorry for anyone who has followed the crazy notion to read all of my waffle as there is no one who reads my blog that it will actually make sense to. I'm sure even the bravest readers will have tuned out by now and I am tempted not to even post it but I remind myself that my blog is for me and that I started it for my own record of how I am feeling and what I am thinking and that's what this post is and who it is for.
Enough irrelevant irreverence now. I really should be in bed, getting ready to commit tomorrow as a day where I will achieve what I plan on achieving so I can, once again, fail dismally as is my current practice.