Sunday, November 15, 2009

So Be It

I had a huge attack of self-doubt today and I found myself reflecting on how many of us go through those times when we just want someone wise and insightful to pick us up and tell us what we need to do from here. Sometimes I don't even know what I need to make a decision about let alone be able to get to the point where I can actually chose the right path and I think it's pretty natural in those times to wish for some kind of guidance or instruction so we can take a step back from the responsibility of stuffing up our own - and sometimes even other people's - lives. It's then, somewhere in that moment, that I remember that I ain't so good at following orders and even if there was someone to do that then I'd probably still march to the beat of my own drum.

I got to that stage today relatively quickly for me, which was good, but draining to go through so many emotions in such a short space of time - and it probably wasn't too much of a picnic for the rest of the zoo-dwellers here either! From there I stepped into action and got a few of those nagging projects that had been sitting around and glaring at me from little piles of mess about the place completed and also got a start on tidying the lair - a project that seems to grow by the day as I move 'To Do' items out of the general traffic areas of the home and out of sight though not quite out of mind into that room.

I am a bit like a pendulum at the minute, swinging on one side from feeling overwhelmed just trying to get through the mundane chores that fill my life these days while the brilliant and imaginative minds of certain people around me keep coming up with brilliant and imaginative ideas which, due to their brilliant and imaginative brain process, they are completely powerless to take any practical action on and which, therefore, invariably result in more work for me and then swinging to the other side where I am convinced that I am inherently and hopelessly lazy and am wasting my life and the opportunities that I am being offered right now with my current circumstances through lack of action and motivation. And, if you think that sentence was a difficult to read, just think how it feels for me to have a barrage of that and other similarly complication thoughts occupying the void between my ears through ever waking moment and seemly quite a few while I'm asleep as well it seems.

I'm finding it difficult to type tonight to the point where I am seriously contemplating sending in a "thank you, God, for spell-check" comment to the 'Jesus, All About Life' campaign - well, maybe I wouldn't go that far but I'm sure you get my point. It's not just the typing, there are really common words that are just coming out jumbled because that is the way my brain is thinking them down to my fingertips and directing them onto the keys - like before, I tried to spell picnic as picknick. I think that's called: crazy-arsed, tired and stressed out Wendy-logic. Whatever it's called, I do believe it is more of a calling - and that is for me to stop typing now and go to bed. So be it.


greekwitch said...

Sending thoughts of serenity towards you!

wykdwytch said...

we all have incredible moments of self doubt believe me aint alone on that awful boat...your strength lies in getting past that and moving on. You sound tired and frustrated and becuae you are a :do- er: and you are, this time in your life has been a major change. It will all change again in a blink of an eye, cause that;s life, nothing remains the same for too do the thinking you need to do ...I dont think you could really know how to be lazy Wendy...I really dont...w.w.

Rob-bear said...

From self-doubt to calling in four paragraphs. That's very good.

I understand the feeling of writing when you're tired and stressed out, in your complicated life. We're all complex beings; some more complex than others.

Try to relax and enjoy the ride. Start with some deep breathing and/or meditating. If that doesn't work, wine or Scotch might. (Just joking.)