I Will

I've been keeping fairly quiet of late...
...but I've been thinking a lot.

There have been so many surprise things come up for me so far this year,
like a new chapter of my life begins
every time I turn around
none of which I have really expected
but all of which I am trusting in.

Some of the things that are coming in to my life
at the moment
are things that I can see upon reflection
that I had been manifesting
but which appeared in a somewhat unexpected
but totally accurate way.

One thing that I was working with
is the phrase,
"speak little, listen much".

I placed a small ceramic owl plate
made by my aunty now passed
on my altar
to represent that phrase.

(you know the poem about the owl:
A wise old owl
Sat in an oak
The more he heard
The less he spoke
The less he spoke
The more he heard
Why aren't we all
Like that wise old bird?")

Time and again this year
I have been amazed by the wisdom this brings
And I find
that I
who likes words so much
is liking words less sometimes
and for all I hear
and all I don't say
I find that there is less that I want to say
and sometimes there is less that I want to hear.

But just because I may choose
not to speak at times
and just because I see
that the squeaky wheel
seems to get the oil on which it feeds
and seems to need
don't think
that I am not thinking at all
because
you know
I am always thinking
and sometimes I don't mind
or sometimes I do mind
but I have perspective
(thank you, wise old owl).

But things are good for me
and for that I am grateful
I am seeing much growth
and much potential
and am not ready to give up
when I so often feel like
doing just that
even though I still feel lost some days
and listless
and regretful
and lacking drive
regardless of my ideals
that enjoy masquerading as determination
because it will be midnight soon
and at the stroke of twelve
they all cry, "unmask, unmask"
and I will comply
and face my fears
of what I would never fail to be
if I chose never to try
because that is not the choice I will make
for I see the potential
and while I am brought to tears
at the year
that pass me by
I will still fulfil
that which I will.

I will.