It Seems

Something superficial
is required
it seems.

Something superficial
is something safe
and something safe
is required
it seems.

Moving slowly
carefully
but not carefully enough
it seems.

Trying not to feel
not to open the gates
because then
I will need
my own hands
to be the gates
and I will hold them close
against my face
and try to keep them closed
but once those gates are opened
it is just
too late
it seems.

Sitting on the precipice
where it is not safe
but it is also
not plummeting
completely
and utterly
out of control
all the way
to the bottom
so therefore
must be
some level of control
in an uncontrolled
sort of way
it seems.

Looking around
and seeing wonderful things
and knowing gratitude
but somehow
not really feeling it
like it sits on the surface
or maybe it sits in the depths
but somehow
it doesn't fill the space
in between the surface
and the depths
where I am
on the precipice
and so
I know things
like gratitude
but somehow
I don't really feel them
it seems.

Here there is no comfort
there is just survival
there is fear
but I am able
to block that out
as well
or maybe
I am not blocking it out at all
maybe
the fear
is also
not able to get
in between
the surface
and the depths
to where I am
and so
I am spared
the fear
as well
it seems.

But I know it's there.

And it knows I'm here.

And it waits.

And it watches.

While I rock
carefully
on the precipice
and I try to work out
what things
I need to throw
over the edge
to plummet their way
to the bottom
and I try to work out
which direction
I need to throw those things
when I finally work out
what those things are
because
if I throw the wrong things
or if I throw the right things
in the wrong direction
then I am sure
I will upset
whatever balance
there currently is
and then
I may not
be able to even see the precipice
on which I now sit
and feel unsafe
and uncomfortable
as much
that is
as I can feel these things
it seems.

But it is a precipice
because there are highs
and they are wonderful
and some of them lately
have shown more of me
the real me
than I have seen
in a very long time
and it was
wonderful
amazing
inspiring
to see me
the real me
but it was so short lived
although that glimpse
was so very worth it
if only
there wasn't the formidable
and unstoppable
swing of the pendulum
that never seems to find its level
and makes me doubt
that there even is a level at all
it seems.

So now you will find me
sitting on the precipice
my precipice
and I ask you
to forgive me
my self-indulgent
aloneness
and I ask you
just to think of me
now and then
and send me a blessing
over the air
that will reach me
where I sit
up so high
ready to fall
or to fly
it seems.