Wednesday, May 12, 2010

At The Moment

Am in a
very strange place
at the moment.

Not a bad place.
Not a good place.
Not even an indifferent place.

Just strange.

I'm sure
I will know more about it
once I have moved on
but for now
I will just be here
and see what there is to see.

There are very small things
that are playing over in my mind.

Daily things.
Mundane things.

That don't seem to be of any consequence
but which stay with me
until I say them out loud
and sometimes
even after that as well.

A neighbour who I've never met before
whose son is often here
who came here looking for him yesterday.

One of my cat's being deaf
and me worrying about
the practical side
of that transition
but also worrying about
what she makes of it
and particularly worrying about
whether she thinks
that I have stopped talking to her.

An unanswered text message
to my sister.

A dream of a member of my family
from whom I am estranged
who appeared behind me
and who I snapped and swore at
and who then laughed
and said he missed me
and everything was okay
and then meeting someone
in real life
the next day
with the same name
but with no other connection
to me
or my family
other than to serve to keep the dream
fresh in my mind.

Other ideas
that I do nothing with.

Twenty-fours hours in a day
the same for everything
the only thing
that is truly equal
in the lives of
every creature
on this planet.

But where do they go?

And why do my
thoughts and feelings
on each of those
twenty-four hours
change so rapidly
and through so many degrees.

Simple pleasures
that turn into addictions
and create sloth
and seem to sap the pleasure
out of so many other pleasures
so that when even the smallest accomplishment
is finally and actually accomplished
there is such pleasure
in this
and sometimes even insane
that the sense of accomplishment
so far
and so greatly
and so rapidly
that it would have been better
had it never existed
at all.

Did I mention
that I was in
a very strange place
at the moment?


Natalie said...

Moderation is the key. The simple pleasures will remain 'something to look forward to', and they won't cause sloth and apathy.
When one is tired, it is hard to be motivated about anything. Little worries become insistent, and anxiety sets in.
The answer is balance and moderation in all things. Even thought processes...... Especially thought processes!
The small acheivement that ends up annoying you, is because you know you are capable of more, and it irks you and keeps you stuck in the 'Wendy bashing'.

Write it all off and start again. Give yourself a break, have a rest for half an hour or more if you need it, and start again.

Tell me to F**k off if I am being a cow. ♥

Lisa said...

yes and yes.....
i can say i understand where you are coming from and from where i stand, i can also see where you are going
be kind to you Wendy and know when to say no

Wendy said...

Yes, Natalie. That is exactly right. But then I start to thinking that perhaps aiming for balance and harmony is in itself an extreme.

Perhaps we are meant to be pendulums, dynamic in our response to and movement around this little thing we call life.

I do believe I have given myself enough of a break now though and that it really is time to light a bit of a fire under my arse instead. Please feel free to remind me of this as I have a feeling there will be many times coming up that I will need to be set back on track.

Wendy said...

Thanks, Lisa. Yes, knowing when to say no is paramount. In regards to understanding though - can you please explain it all back to me sometime...I get so confused by what goes on in my head ;o)

Natalie said...

Yep. Also true. Rolling with the waves, whilst being AWARE of moderation is key. Staying in the moment, expressing (safely)in the moment is also very healthy.
Acknowledging that you may need some extra practical support that you may not be receiving, is also worth looking at.
What i have been saying to myself lately is this: Remain Calm, Carry On.
Making myself a detached observer of my own situation, has been my saving grace at times. Still, I fall down (as you know) but I am getting up quicker each time.
Blessings to you. ♥

Rob-bear said...

Yes; strange place all right.

Seems like a lot of things are bothering you — not huge things, but irritating things, like burs under a horse's saddle.

Maybe it's time you unsaddled yourself of some things, and just enjoyed what's left (as much as you can).

But what do Bears really know?