As I Am

My recent soul-shaking existence
has become
*somewhat*
more steady of late.

It has been a really tough few weeks
and that's not something
I say (read: admit to)
often.

But, as part of my current process
that involves reassessing strength
I am trying to be more open
when I am not feeling strong
and
rather than taking it all on myself
because I am never comfortable
be a burden on others
and
because there are so many
drama queens
out there already so I don't think
that the world needs me being another one
I am trying to present it
to those who need to know
and to those who can help
with balance
and with honesty.

Usually I don't like to blog
or make any kind of public display
about my inner turmoil
but this time
I let some of it out.

Part of the problem is that
I don't always realise
how bad things are
until I start to get better.


But this time was really intense
and I was scared
and was in the most extreme
state of overwhelm
(as opposed to the standard state of overwhelm
in which I usually exist)
that I was forcing myself
to count putting a washed and dried frying pan
away in the cupboard
as a victory
an achievement
so I would have even just one little thing
that I could count as something I had done that day.

And yet
through all this
I managed to function
and do so many things
that no matter how much
I resent the label at time
I must be strong
even when I no longer want to be
and even when I have so little belief in myself
to think that such a label could be in any way deserved
I am strong
if for no other reason
than because I am still here.

And I don't need reinforcement of that label.

And I don't need *hugs*.

And I don't need anything at this time
other than acceptance
without judgement
and without the transposing of other people's thoughts across my actions
as my actions are my own
and your thoughts are your own
and there is usually
so little understanding
or so much tainting from your beliefs and experiences
that rarely does the latter
have even the slightest resemblance to the former.

So, strong I am,
and strong I will be
for, now, even when
I don't feel strong
or I don't want to be strong
that is a strength in itself
and that is something that I accept
as part of me
that exists beyond ego
and rejects all energy
that looks upon that strength
in ignorance
and sees
anything other than something
to be proud of
and grateful for.

As I am.