Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Don't

Standing on the outside
not even bothering
to look very far in
because I don't like what I see.

That is me today.

It's hard to look in
because looking in
reinforces the fact
that I am on the outside
and I have no idea
why I'm here
and not in there
although there is a level of belief
that tells me
this is partly my own doing
and partly my own destiny
so on that logic
it is not you
who does not let me in
it is not you
who makes me feel like I do not belong
it is not you
who excludes
it is just who I am
and who I am meant to be
on the path I am meant to walk.

Do I like it?
Am I happy about it?
Would this be what I chose for myself
if I felt I actually had a choice?

No, not at all.

But what else can I do?
Do I want to struggle?
Do I want to feel
like I am constantly battling against myself
and the universe?

When I barely have the strength
or the fortitude
or resilience
to fight the daily fight of existence
how could I possibly believe
I have the energy
to fight such other enormous forces?

And to that
the answer is simple:
I don't.

4 comments:

Lisa said...

oh, I know that feeling; it is a lonely place to be.

Once again your words touch my heart

love to you always
Lisa

Rob-bear said...

Whatever you are experiencing, it seems to parallel much of my life with chronic depression.

When I barely have the strength
of the fortitude
or resilience
to fight the daily fight of existence
how could I possibly believe
I have the energy
to fight such other enormous forces?


That I feel so keenly as well.

Bear hugs.

Jen said...

do you need to talk my friend??? I am at touch footbal until probably 9pm this evening, and not going to bed until 10.30ish, so if you want to talk give me a call, or message me and i will call you. ok???? love you lots and lots and lots. And anywhere that I am 'in', you are 'in' too, and if you are not 'in' too, then I am not 'in' either.. ok ??? xoxoxoxooxoxox

Wendy said...

Thank you, friends, really - thank you ♥

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