To Live

Even in my darkest moments
I always knew that
my life
was a direct result
of my choice
and that my current situation
was also a choice.

The problem was
I felt that I had made
so many terrible choices
in the past
and that I was a thte point where
even though I knew I had a choice
in that very moment
I had no interest
in positive change
and I just could not see
how
to actually choose
and make choices
anymore.

I didn't feel capable
of being in control
and all I saw
about the times
when perhaps I had been in control
was mistake after mistake.

In short,
I wasn't honouring myself
and my life lessons.

Even knowing that
didn't change the way I felt about it.

Sometimes I still feel that way
but less and less often
and for shorter and shorter periods
and to shallower and shallower depths.

And for that I am so grateful.

There is no reason
in these feelings
and as a logical being
this intensified the feelings
of overwhelm
and being out of control
and powerlessness to change anything.

Now I can see the choices a little clearer
and once I made the choice
to change
and once I accepted
that it had taken a very, very long time
to get to the point that I was at
so therefore it was also going to take
a very, very long time
to move in a stable and controlled way
to the place that I wanted to be
this was the only choice that mattered
and I made it the founding choice
for everything else
and that has helped.

It is still a long road
and even on the days
when I feel
what could possibly resemble
some sort of normality
and that I don't need the same things
that I needed when I made the choice to get better
I know that I do actually need to continue them
and that it is okay to need that support
for a little while longer
and that there is no need
to feel like I am only strong
when I am going it alone
because true strength
is in utilising all of your resources
and alchemising them
into the future I want to live.