Full Of

Keeping my moments
of weakness
close to me
is a self-defence mechanism
that I think
I need to start
to let go of.

I've never been comfortable
being a squeaky wheel
and I know
that no one is able
to click their fingers
or wave a magic wand
and solve my problems.

I don't want to be a burden
and I don't want to
give more power
to the weaknesses I feel
so I hold it close
and carry it with me
where ever I go
and somehow
end up feeding it
through the act of
denying it.

So, in an effort
to banish this particular demon
today I open up
and make myself vulnerable
and allow myself to be judged
and say
I am struggling.

Although I know
I have come so far
in the last few month
and that the progress
that I had seen as intangible
for more years than I ever realised
has actually begun to feel real
when I am tested
I can see
that I still have a long
long
long
way to go.

In this
I can still see
the progress
of actually wanting to keep going
where this was not
a safety net
that I have ever
known in my heart
ever since I can remember
so the fact that it is here now
is a real blessing
for myself
and for my family.

But it is a close call today.

I need help.

All I want to do
is to close down
to run away and hide.

I have no interest
in anything.

I am starting
the things that I need to do
to get myself and my kids
through the mundane demands of the day
and I am walking away from them
because even simple things
seem so hard.

And I remember
when I lived like this
every moment
of every day
and I know
that my current "moment"
is far from that
state of existence
when I lived without living
and I know
ever though I can't really feel it
that I have gratitude for that.

Everything is starting to seem
permanent again.

There is no answer
and I feel like failing
and like I would welcome failure
but I hold on to the belief
that failure only truly comes
when we give up
and that is not an option
for the moment anyway.

So here I am.

I am better
yet worse
but I am prepared.

I have a plan
which includes
another option
to get help
and I am ready
and willing
and wanting
to put it into action.

Bad news
is bad news
and even bad news
that is out of my control
that could have
massive repercussions
or mild ones
or none at all
is something
that I need to again reclaim
the resilience
that I am at this stage only able to assume
I once possessed
as that is what life
is full of.