I Want To Believe

Good days.

Bad days.

They are all merging into one.

One elastic existance
stretched so tight
that it has lost all elasticity.

Flux.

Change.

Yet somehow completely stagnant.

I am just one of a million
billion
trillion
gazillion
points
in the eternal question of life.

Yet
amongst all this
I have a feeling
that these are truly
the best days of my life.

My children are happy, healthy and adore me as much as they know I adore them.

My marriage is overflowing with love, support and connectedness.

My home is comfortable and is being paid off.

My friends are true blessings.

I have work.

I have food.

I have heat.

I have clothes.

I have many luxuries and many reasons to live.

It's hard to work out where my head is at
when I know these things
and I feel them
and I really do experience profound love and happiness
but sometimes I am just sad beyond sad.

I don't need a reason.

I don't need an explanation.

I just need some sort of consistency.

Some sort of logic.

Some motivation to keep going
that I feel in my heart
to support what I already know in my head.

I still believe this will come.

And I want to believe.