Absolute Turmoil

Feeling
In the full swing
Of life lessons.

Surely
All of this pain
All of this confusion
All of this struggle
Has a purpose
Has a reason
Has a blessing.

Why do I
Keep trusting people
Who let me down
Who betray me?

Is it my expectations?

Is it my view on life?

Is it my interpretation
Of my experiences
And how that relates
To what I observe?

Why do I evoke
Such an aggressive attitude
In others?

Why don't people
Understand
Trust
Respect
Accept
Acknowledge?

Why do I let people
Into my life
My experiences
But am not
Invited
Accepted
Into theirs?

Why do people
Shut me out?

Why are my intentions
Perceived so differently
By others?

Why do I not do
What I know in my heart
To be for
My greater good?

Why does the drive
For self sabotage
Dominate all else?

Why the struggle?

Where is the
Self-acceptance?

Life lessons.

Feeling confused
And guilty
That my life lessons
Seem so
Incongruent
With the real
Unchangeable
Uninfluencable
Struggles
Of others
Who share my timeline.

Am I living
In the future
Of our world
Or
Am I living
Too internally
Being too selfish
Too self-centered?

What I feel
I am giving
To others
To the world
Is not received
Is not accepted
Is not recognized
But more than that
It is shunned
It is rejected
It hurts
It causes conflict.

What are my gifts?

How can I give them?

I try
But I am misunderstood
In such a negative way.

Life lessons.

Lessons have a purpose.

They have a deliverable.

Why is what
I feel driven
Compelled
To give
Is so unappreciated?

Why are my gifts
My strengths
Not of benefit to others.

Every day
For as long as I can remember
I have felt out of step
And have felt the struggle
Of trying
And never succeeding
And of not knowing
If I should change
Or if I should try
To change the world.

Arrogant?

I don't know.

Somethings
Even the things
Within me
Don't make sense to me.

I try to live
Without the labels
But it is the labels
That help us make sense
Of our experiences.

I know I am difficult
For those around me.

I know
People feel insecure
Feel threatened
By things they don't understand.

But why do they
Judge me so harshly?

I believe in my heart
That I am good
That I am here for a reason
That I have something to give to others
But my experiences
My interpretation
Is so conflicting
To what is in my heart.

What I don't know
Amongt the multitude of things
That I don't know
Is how to exist
Day by day
With these unanswered questions
That fill me with
Such absolute turmoil.